Thursday, May 31, 2007

Net Loss For the Month -3 lbs

Well, the trip to Phoenix that I blogged about a few weeks ago really put a kink in my weight loss. That is when I was off program for 8 days and gained 17 lbs. It took two weeks to get the weight back off, and then I lost an additional 3 over the last 10 days or so. So my net loss for the month was 3 lbs.

Even though my body is becoming more "normal" looking, my body will NEVER be "normal" in how it handles and processes foods. I think that is one of the traps people who lose a significant amount of weight fall into. If I look of "normal weight" shouldn't I be able to enjoy the foods that I like? Maybe some people can. I sure don't want to discourage all of you out there that you may never be able to indulge in your favorite foods again. But for me? I have to reconcile myself to the fact that my body will not allow me to do that. EVER. I will be one of those people that you read about in "People who lost half their size" PEOPLE magazine edition who have to do atleast an hour of exercise per day to maintain their loss, AND keep a super-tight reign on what they put in their mouths.

If this is not a sacrifice I am willing to make, I may as well stop now. But I am willing. Eating can never be a recreational sport for me. Never again. Part of what scares me about getting to goal weight (at this rate I'm 10 months away from that, but realistically I'm probably about 6 months away....) is how hard I am going to have to work to maintain it. But that is ok. It is worth it, I am worth it, my husband is worth it, and my son is worth it. All the reasons I gave for losing the weight in the first place will be my reasons for maintaining the weight.

Part of what we tell ourselves to get through the hour/day/week is "this is temporary" and "I'll be able to have 'X' when I'm 'done' with MF". But will we? Are we just kidding ourselves. Do we need to re-invent our reward system? Do we need to just finally grieve the fact that we aren't normal and that this is our lifetime struggle and we will always be dealing with the bodies we have been "blessed" with? For me, I think so. So I will grieve, and it will be part of the process of relinquishing the hold that food has spent a lifetime gaining on me. I have to peel back it's talons and get it out of my head. Freedom. That is what I seek. Freedom from the intruige of food. Freedom to live my life with food not being what I look forward to, what I hold as the "goal".

A healthy body, a healthy mind and a healthy spirit. That is my goal. Food doesn't even factor into the equation. That is what I need to hold on to. Otherwise I will sabatoge myself and stay in the 150's and 160's forever, never fully dealing with my food issues.

I look forward to the day I can report that I am in the 140's. I feel I will lose a lot more than 10 pounds by the time I've gotten there. Hopefully I'll lose the desire to sabatoge myself.

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