I remember when, in a pretty dark time in my life, I struggled DAILY to muster enough emotional energy to even get out of bed in the mornings. As soon as my eyelids fluttered open there was already a cacophony of shame, feelings of unworthiness, and the incessant chatter in my head every waking moment which screamed “See, you’re NOT enough. Told ya. You’ll never succeed an anything. You don’t have what it takes. You’re not welcome. You’re a bother, a nuisance, you’re just a place-holder in this life, taking up oxygen and biding time until you die.”
The echo-chamber of my thoughts was a dismal place to hang out.
And it was a choice to keep thinking this.
It was MY choice.
I didn’t think so at the time, I thought I was simply destined to “have low self-esteem,” and further, I believed God disapproved of any efforts or attempts to “improve my self-esteem”, that somehow it was wrong to “think more highly of myself than I ought”.
I wasn’t emotionally available for my family or for myself. I look back at those years that I wasted in a cycle of self-depreciation and self-defeat, and I don’t regret them. On the contrary, I’m grateful for them.
What I didn’t comprehend back then, and what I’ve been learning these last few years, is that people (including myself) can put labels on the growth process and I think we do that to try to define it in some concrete terms so we can “poo-poo” it as “not for us” so as not to feel even WORSE about ourselves, rather than stepping into taking 100% responsibility for where we are in life TODAY. Taking responsibility means that we look at our current mindset, our current health, our current habits of thinking and our current emotional management and take an ACCURATE assessment of the choices we’ve made and the consequences of them, with an attitude of gentle loving kindness and grace, and become fully aware of WHO WE ARE TODAY, in this moment, and understand that WE CHOSE IT.
I didn’t THINK at the time that I WAS that person because I chose to BE that person. None of us who have been through times like that THINK “It’s my fault”, and yet deep down we DO really think “It’s my fault” which adds to the confused thinking.
But you know, it’s NOT our FAULT. It’s our CHOICE.
Once I decided I wanted to change my thinking and began to step into that process of designing my life (including my thought life) around what mattered most to me, the people, mentors, and the tools showed up in my life! In fact they were there all along, had I been looking for them I would have recognized that, and when I did recognize that, I saw they were there.
One of the books that a dear friend and someone I consider a mentor recommended to me was “Switch on That Brain” by Dr. Caroline Leaf, a neuroscientist. She speaks of taking control of our thoughts, taking control of what we focus on and pay attention to, and becoming a master at it!
We CAN change our unhealthy habits of thinking, but only WE can develop those new healthy-thinking habits.
It’s a skill, and it felt awkward beginning that process, but so does any new skill!
Now I surround myself with relationships, people, and things that bring me joy, to reinforce and prompt me with visual cues to exercise healthy thoughts! I feed my brain good things, read books to learn more about the growth process and apply it practically in my life. I listen to podcasts that stretch and grow me, and I stay curious!
And when those echoes of old unhealthy thought patterns show up on my radar, I know I don't have to sit with them, entertain them, ruminate on them, or water them. Because WHATEVER we water, WHATEVER we FEED, WHATEVER we focus on, GROWS.
“So keep your thoughts continually fixed on all that is authentic and real, honorable and admirable, beautiful and respectful, pure and holy, merciful and kind. And fasten your thoughts on every glorious work of God, praising Him always.”
-Philippians 4:8 (TPT)
