Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Day 1 of my Re-re-re-start.......

Yes, I must say I am back to Day 1 of my re-re-re-re-fill-in-the-blanks-commit. The day I give up is the day I balloon back up to 266, or higher. I will not allow it.

I have this pair of jeans, size 4, that I keep as a barometer. When I am spilling out of them and threatening to break down and get a pair of size 6's, is usually the day before I re-start Medifast. I refuse to go UP in jean size to accomodate my lack of self-control when I go carb-crazy for a few days.

For anyone who doesn't know my story, and I'm sure there are many of you out there, I started at 266 lbs. On a 5 foot 2 1/2 inch frame, that is plenty-lots. Well past the obese/morbidly obese threshold. Couldn't get health insurance. Forget about life insurance. Achey knees, achey back, achey feet, 36 but looked 46 type thing. Wore size 26 jeans. Could barely fit behind the wheel of my volvo stationwagon. Had a hard time carrying my infant son to the changing table without becoming out of breath. Forget flying. Forget running, skiing, playing with my son on the floor, all of that. I had checked out of life in that way. My only joy was my son. He was my reason, my motivation to finally get the weight off.

And I did. All the way to 130. Ran a half-marathon. Felt great. Was a size 2. Heck, I even grew a full inch to 5 foot 3 1/2, because my spine was not compressed with 136 extra pounds of fat. It was wonderful. Got health insurance. Got life insurance (million dollor policy, baby! Super-preferred rate!). Then I got pregnant, had a miscarriage, and have found it difficult to do this for ME again. But I'm convinced that one of these re-starts, hopefully THIS one, it will all click again and I'll be headed back down to my goal weight of 118.

I pray it is this time. I hate going through the 3 days again and again. I realize that it is fully within my power to make it work, that everything is a choice, is about how badly I want it. I realize that eating off program just signals that I don't want the goal as much as I want the temporary instant gratification that the food will bring. The (artificial) momentary release from the pressures of life. A food junkie, looking for the next fix. Do I have an eating disorder? Clinically, no. Technically, no. Textbook definition, no. But I do believe I could have eating disorder leanings, and that I exist somewhere in between "normal" attitudes on food and "EDNOS" (Eating disorder not otherwise specified) attitudes on food.

So! It is time to invest in my "recovery" from my "almost" eating disorder! Here we go! Again!

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Day 5 of Restart

It is, indeed, day 5 of my restart. I'm looking at a gorgeous Bluejay out my front window. I will indeed miss this house, this yard, this view, this stage of my life. Now there is a speckled woodpecker with a black bib and red beautiful cheeks. He is brown, with black speckles on his chest and tail, and brown stripes across his beautiful winged back. He is diving in the leaves for insects, and is no more than 9 feet away from my eyeballs. His lower cheeks are more fuscia than red. Absolutely gorgeous. Wow, was that a sidetrack or what?

When we get to Gilbert I am going to need to really buckle down and establish a running route and pattern. Here, too, but I am doing that right now. Did 1/2 mile yesterday, just to take myself out for a "test run" to make sure nothing was mis-aligned, or sore, or creaky. Everything seemed to work fine, and I'm looking forward to my 3-miler today.

I feel anxious about the move, the sale of the house, the actual move (physically packing up 7 years of life and carting it across the country!), and about Julian's appointment with Palo Alto for the Non-Steroid transplant protocol transplant evaluation at the end of January. But I have been getting into the Word more. It's like God just wants to talk to me, and he uses His Word to do it...I just need to listen more.

I was journalling this morning, and realized I was asking God for a ton! At the end of it, I asked Him if there was anything I could do for Him. Still waiting on that one. But what I asked of him were the following:

1) Sell our house
2) Move us to Gilbert
3) Get us on the Palo Alto transplant list
4) Allow me to reach my goal of 118 lbs
5) Grow Julian up big and strong
6) Settle my heart (new request)
7) Help me organize myself and my finances
8) Draw me closer to Him (without anyone having to die or anything like that! No trauma, please!)

Sometimes I feel like if I get too close to God He will increase my difficulties. And I don't want increased difficulties. Does that make sense? I just have to trust that He's not a God who does that. He wants to be my refuge, not my troublemaker.

I'm my own troublemaker.

Ok, back to my weight as this is primarily my weight-loss blog....was 152 this morning. Looking forward to getting under 150 again for the LAST time. I kept my Levi's 515 size 2 Petite's out so that I can keep trying them on as my "goal jeans". I haven't dared try them on since September, and don't intend on doing so until I'm atleast down below 130. I'm actually a tiny person, bone-structure wise. While I don't want to become anorexic, I do want to be in shape. Small and in shape.

Ok, that's enough for today.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Oh, and I forgot to mention I suffered another miscarriage in December. I hemhorraged pretty badly and had to have an emergency D&C, so that was pretty traumatic. I'm still recovering emotionally. It was at 12 weeks.

What a Fall!

This last couple months has been a flurry and a whirlwind of activity and trips and procedures and I am exhausted. God works in amazing ways, and sometimes not in ways we expect. The last entry I posted was before we headed to Boston. Not surprising, as that is about when I feel like I was last in control of my weight loss, and this is primarily my weight loss/maintenance blog.

Stress is a huge factor in whether I am "out of control" and not really caring about my weight, and when I am. This last 3 months have been little BUT stress.

The Boston trip was good...saw some old friends, had a visit with the Doctors at Boston Children's Hospital. They are of the opinion that Julian definately needs a transplant, but that if we can forestall Dialysis then that would be fine. So what do we do? Come home and put him on Dialysis! Why? Because his creatinine inched up into the 5's, and his PTH remained super-high in the 1200's-1400's.

But, Julian hasn't been the same since we did that. His demeanor changed. He is more timid, less able to be without his Momma. His appetite has decreased, and we have been unable to successfully do dialysis anyway because his catheter continues to migrate up into his upper abdomen. On Monday Dr. Ford spoke of a "surgical solution" and Dave and I decided that if his labs were good and the doctors needed to do surgery to correct the catheter placement, that we would simply take it out. So, we are taking it out as soon as the surgery can be scheduled. And we are relieved.

I was reading on Sunday, my "normal" reading which has been far from routine this fall, brought me to Genesis, and the account of Noah and the flood. It rained for 40 days. I counted back what 40 days would look like from the date he got the catheter surgically placed, and realized that 40 days was over on the next day, Monday. I prayed the Lord to have it stop raining. I believe He answered me with Julian's good labs and the fact that we couldn't continue Dialysis training. I believe God will sustain Julian's kidneys until he gets his transplant. I believe it. He has so far, and Julian is still stable. His creatinine was in the low 4's, and it was wonderful.

Lots is happening in our lives. We have decided to blow this popsicle stand and get back to Phoenix. Family, friends, everyone who is important to us, most of them live in Arizona. We can be out of debt entirely and live in a house we can actually afford. I'm thrilled. I can't wait. Please, Lord, sell this house!

I am so excited to get to Phoenix, and spend some good time with my Mom. The Hospice Doctor does not think she will last another 3 months, so hopefully we will be moved out there before she passes, and she can see us and Julian again.

Lord, let it be so.

I booked a trip to Disneyland in May, for Dave's birthday. Of course we will be staying at Disney's Grand Californian, and I requested room 5417. We love that room.

Well, I'm off to put away the dishes and straighten up my house. No more living in a sty.