Day 1 of my Re-re-re-start.......

Yes, I must say I am back to Day 1 of my re-re-re-re-fill-in-the-blanks-commit. The day I give up is the day I balloon back up to 266, or higher. I will not allow it.

I have this pair of jeans, size 4, that I keep as a barometer. When I am spilling out of them and threatening to break down and get a pair of size 6's, is usually the day before I re-start Medifast. I refuse to go UP in jean size to accomodate my lack of self-control when I go carb-crazy for a few days.

For anyone who doesn't know my story, and I'm sure there are many of you out there, I started at 266 lbs. On a 5 foot 2 1/2 inch frame, that is plenty-lots. Well past the obese/morbidly obese threshold. Couldn't get health insurance. Forget about life insurance. Achey knees, achey back, achey feet, 36 but looked 46 type thing. Wore size 26 jeans. Could barely fit behind the wheel of my volvo stationwagon. Had a hard time carrying my infant son to the changing table without becoming out of breath. Forget flying. Forget running, skiing, playing with my son on the floor, all of that. I had checked out of life in that way. My only joy was my son. He was my reason, my motivation to finally get the weight off.

And I did. All the way to 130. Ran a half-marathon. Felt great. Was a size 2. Heck, I even grew a full inch to 5 foot 3 1/2, because my spine was not compressed with 136 extra pounds of fat. It was wonderful. Got health insurance. Got life insurance (million dollor policy, baby! Super-preferred rate!). Then I got pregnant, had a miscarriage, and have found it difficult to do this for ME again. But I'm convinced that one of these re-starts, hopefully THIS one, it will all click again and I'll be headed back down to my goal weight of 118.

I pray it is this time. I hate going through the 3 days again and again. I realize that it is fully within my power to make it work, that everything is a choice, is about how badly I want it. I realize that eating off program just signals that I don't want the goal as much as I want the temporary instant gratification that the food will bring. The (artificial) momentary release from the pressures of life. A food junkie, looking for the next fix. Do I have an eating disorder? Clinically, no. Technically, no. Textbook definition, no. But I do believe I could have eating disorder leanings, and that I exist somewhere in between "normal" attitudes on food and "EDNOS" (Eating disorder not otherwise specified) attitudes on food.

So! It is time to invest in my "recovery" from my "almost" eating disorder! Here we go! Again!