This time it's different. Why? Because I am starting a monumental task with very little "emotional" buy-in. My decision to begin today has less to do with my emotional readiness, and more to do with my mental decision to start today. Do I feel like starting today? No. Am I bursting with the hopefulness and anticipation that usually accompanies beginning such large and life-changing tasks? No. Am I feeling invincible? Like there is nothing that can quash my resolve? No. As a matter of fact, I feel my situation and my adherence the the program is fragile at best, as if I am teetering precariously close to a ledge. Mentally and physically. That ledge leeds to the valley of the apathetic. The valley where I cease to exist as a whole and well and vibrant person.
There are two people in my brain, jostling for dominance. One is a slug. She is an unmotivated observer of the life around her, while she sits on the couch and lets her son grow up in auto-pilot. She has no desires. She is a-sexual. She has no active creative thought life, and is expressionless. She is morbidly obese, and her apathy is killing her, literally. She feels she has nothing to offer others in this world, and therefore remains, for the most part, silent. She is sour. She is angry. She contributes nothing to enhance the lives of those around her, or her own life. She wonders how she got this way, while at the same time wallowing in her negativeness. Physically, she is morbidly obese. She wear XXL Sweatpants courtesy of Walmart, and oversized Henley t-shirts. She sleeps in this outfit, and therefore it does not get washed for weeks at a time. She becomes out of breath getting out of bed and walking to the bathroom. She is the picture of depression, although she does not feel depressed. She feels....very little. Her back aches upon rising in the morning. Her heels crack from the weight. Her knees are crying out for less pressure. She gets to the point where she feels she may be about to pull a muscle while attending to her basest hygenic needs. And I mean "basest". This is the person she has become in 18 months. Again.
She is afraid to hope, because hope usually only leads to disappointment. She has failed, and therefore is a failure. Can failures thrive?
This is person A.
Person B is the person I want to become. The person I was on the road to being 2 years ago. Person B is mentally alert, agile, playful. Person B looks out for other people's interests, actively engages her son in meaningful ways like a mother should, and is vibrant and active. Person B is not afraid, not apathetic, not a failure. Person B grows and learns and changes in positive ways. She improves herself. She understands that she is important, and that she plays an important and vital role in the lives of her family. Physically, she is the picture of health. Person B has a smile on her face and in her heart. She is training for either a marathon or a triathalon, and her weight and muscle tone reflects her comittment to her healthy lifestyle. Person B has a closet full of beautiful clothes in a size 2-4. She exercises daily to keep her mind quick and her stress level low. She is a joy to interact with, and leaves people feeling positive and not negative. She is a bright and sunny person.
These two people compete for dominance. I don't know how Person A finds the motivation to compete, but she does. She seems to be my default personality. I want to change that. I want those attributes of my character to decrease, and the positive attributes embodied in who I call Person B to increase. This is my prayer, held up to the Lord Jesus and to the Father, that He would do a real work in my heart and my mind and my character. It will not be easy. Person A is the "flesh". Which is probably why I default to it. Person B is someone who holds their thoughts captive and who practices self-discipline and self-control. We are to add these things to our faith, and I have neglected them once again. Dear Lord, live through me. Give me the strength to back up my good decisions. I want to put person A to death. I want person B to emerge and to remain. Lord, make it so. I will do the work. You give the blessings to persevere. Amen and amen.
