Wednesday, July 23, 2008

This morning I fired up my oatmeal, had my cup of coffee, drank my water, and thought "Now THIS feels right." It feels right to be back OP and going the right direction. It feels like a relief. Like I've veered off the dangerous path that was heading for the precipice, and am headed in a healthy direction.

The same life that felt so scary and anxious a few days ago, mainly mine, has a little bit of a glow to it now. Even as I walk by the stores at the Stanford Mall and see my frumpy sweat-pants and sweat-shirt clad reflection peering back at me, I am at the same time saddened and, strangely, hopeful.

It wasn't too long ago that I peered INTO shops like that, wondering if I would ever be able to buy "normal" clothes again. I watched my transformation with awe and wonder, as I bought smaller jean size after smaller jean size...and wore them! My shining moment was buying the size 2's from the Levi's store...and wearing them in public! I still remember walking in that store and being thrilled I could purchase a size 16!
I remember buying a size 8P dress from Ann Taylor and the cashier asking if I wanted a gift receipt with that? I said "no, it's for my goal closet". Then I remember that same outfit becoming too big for me and having to give it to my sister. Boy did that feel good.

So I'm back to size 12's being super-tight. So what? It's only a matter of time before I'm back in my beautiful wardrobe. The wardrobe that I only got to wear for a few short months. I will be back in them and wearing them around town, with my little man Julian by my side. A picture of healthiness and happiness. A picture of nutritional balance and spiritual refreshment.

Instead of being angry all the time, which I'm convinced is a direct result of my disgust with myself for letting half my weight creep back on, I will be happy and smiling. I was before. I can do it again.

So, day 3, here we go. Last day of hunger. Last day of irritibility. Tomorrow is a brand new "ketosis" day. Bring it on.

Day 2 Done

I have just completed what I have determined will be my last "day 2" EVER. My committment is to lose the 70 lbs I recently gained and be done with this compulsion. I will do what it takes to shed the weight and work through my issues with food.

My story seems old hat to me, but I'll share briefly. Started MF July of 06 after a super-scary incident, was determined to shed the weight. I started at 266, and 14 months later clocked in at a lean and trim 130. Went from a size 26 to a size 2-4P. Check out my pictures, they are awesome if I do say so myself.

Then all chaos broke loose. I got pregnant so i couldn't transition properly, had a miscarriage at 12 weeks, postpartum depression and then my Mom died. One month after my Mom died we came out to the Ronald McDonald House here in Palo Alto for my son's Kidney transplant which happened on May 20th. We have to stay here through August, and then I'll be back to my own house where I can control what is in my kitchen.

During all the emotion/stress/uncertainty of this last year, I have put on 70 lbs again. Originally I thought I might wait until the end of August to re-start, but as I see the scale getting closer and closer to 200 I realize I can't afford to do that. After many re-starts and "I'm going to do better tomorrows" I decided yesterday enough was enough. I saw 199.6 on the scale and decided I'd flirted enough with disaster. Time to just do it, no matter how I feel.
I have a beautiful wardrobe ranging from size 2-6 at home now, and by golly I will be fitting into those again by Christmas. it's my Christmas present to myself this year. I refuse to put up with any more of my shenanigans. So here I go.

We're all in this together, but it is ultimately our personal decision whether to stay on the program or not to. When I do stay on, it works. Here's to staying on. No matter what.

Monday, July 21, 2008

199 this morning. Yikes. It's like I'm daring myself to get over 200 again so I can drive home just how worthless and disgusting I am. Well, I won't let myself do it. I won't.

Sunday, July 13, 2008


Yikes. Time to read all my old blogs. Time to get serious. Time to take care of me. Again.

This morning I grudgingly climbed on the scale, thinking I'd see 190, because I was 188 a few days ago and I've been extremely bent on self-destruction the last few days. I blinked. 197 "and some change". 197. That's exactly 70 lbs up from my low low of 127 on September 27th, 2007, the morning I got weighed for my life insurance interview. Wow. That's over half the weight I originally lost, regained. It's a crying shame.

I am so distraught but have nothing left to do but blame myself. And my EDNOS, which I have not quite wrapped my head around yet, but I'm sure exists in some form. Some combination of ED's and some other psychological stuff thrown in there for good measure. But I've done it time and time again, I can muster up one final weight loss and then quite possibly may need therapy to keep it off. Because I'm no good at that, the keeping it off business. I've noticed it is the worst when I'm super happy or relieved at something, I eat to celebrate. I have no self control. When I got married I gained a bunch. I was happy and content. And had fun eating myself up to my high weight. Now that Julian's kidney transplant is complete and a success, I have thrown caution to the wind and am eating out of "relief". I've got to express my relief in some other way than eating.

So, today I began Medifast, yet again. This time, though, I'm going to try to do the Complete Medifast which is the "5-6 Mf meals" only. Because I don't trust myself to be around "adult food". I don't trust myself to buy for me.

Because last night I found myself eating Sushi, drinking Beer, and Saki, buying Twinkies, and candy, and eating them. That is how I could balloon up to 197 when I was just 188 a few days ago. Disgusting. Out of control. No more.

So, here is my first Blog on my first day. I am not worthless. I can do this, I am worth it, and my son deserves better. So does my husband.