YIKES

Yikes. Time to read all my old blogs. Time to get serious. Time to take care of me. Again.

This morning I grudgingly climbed on the scale, thinking I'd see 190, because I was 188 a few days ago and I've been extremely bent on self-destruction the last few days. I blinked. 197 "and some change". 197. That's exactly 70 lbs up from my low low of 127 on September 27th, 2007, the morning I got weighed for my life insurance interview. Wow. That's over half the weight I originally lost, regained. It's a crying shame.

I am so distraught but have nothing left to do but blame myself. And my EDNOS, which I have not quite wrapped my head around yet, but I'm sure exists in some form. Some combination of ED's and some other psychological stuff thrown in there for good measure. But I've done it time and time again, I can muster up one final weight loss and then quite possibly may need therapy to keep it off. Because I'm no good at that, the keeping it off business. I've noticed it is the worst when I'm super happy or relieved at something, I eat to celebrate. I have no self control. When I got married I gained a bunch. I was happy and content. And had fun eating myself up to my high weight. Now that Julian's kidney transplant is complete and a success, I have thrown caution to the wind and am eating out of "relief". I've got to express my relief in some other way than eating.

So, today I began Medifast, yet again. This time, though, I'm going to try to do the Complete Medifast which is the "5-6 Mf meals" only. Because I don't trust myself to be around "adult food". I don't trust myself to buy for me.

Because last night I found myself eating Sushi, drinking Beer, and Saki, buying Twinkies, and candy, and eating them. That is how I could balloon up to 197 when I was just 188 a few days ago. Disgusting. Out of control. No more.

So, here is my first Blog on my first day. I am not worthless. I can do this, I am worth it, and my son deserves better. So does my husband.