Monday, November 15, 2010

As you are now, so shall you be.....

"As you are now, so shall you be....."
These were wise words from a wise man that I grasped on to 20 years ago. He was the Principal of a Bible School in England where I attended for 6 months after High School. Although I did not practically learn what he meant when he said it, I know now, 20 years later, all too well, that he was right.

That being said, what am I doing TODAY to conquer my weight issues? Today. Right now. Because there is no magic fairy who is going to come along while I'm sleeping and change me so I can actually start doing "tomorrow" what I say I'm going to do...."tomorrow". And that is really it, isn't it? We put off change until tomorrow morning. Really. I promise I'll be good. Honestly I know I can do this, it's just I have this _________________ tonight and I just know they'll be yummy things on the menu that the group will want to order and I don't want to feel awkward so...but I'll get right back on. Tomorrow.

The thing is, and I really had to get my head around this one and internalize it to my core...tomorrow never comes. For some strange reason, it is always today.

And also for some reason I have trained myself over years and years of failure and yo-yo-dieting that really, I can handle this. Really, I've got it covered, it will just be this once because I have this ______________ today and really it's gonna be the last time I do this. I will get serious. Tomorrow.

And we let ourselves get away with this flawed thinking that has kept us fat and unhappy for years and years.

Ah, but "tomorrow" will be different. Will it? Really?

As you are NOW, so shall you BE. Change happens now. Change happens with your next thought and your next decision. If it is compromise, AGAIN, then you are sealing your fate every day with the promise that you will never REALLY get to your goal.

Just some musings on a philosophical topic. Tomorrow IS today. So I'm going to make my next meal a Medifast one. Rinse and repeat.

Monday, May 10, 2010

This is an excellently written entry from a co-Medifaster's blog. I am reposting it here, without her permission. If she finds out, she can ask me to remove it. Otherwise, it has some really good insight and I wanted to remember it for myself without having to find it again on her blog.

For one day in my life, I’d like to wake up & not have to worry about food. What to eat, how much to eat, when to eat. For one day in my life, dear Lord, I’d like to not care about food. I’d like to stop thinking about it. Asking myself the ‘should I’ ‘shouldn’t I’ questions that come with the territory in maintenance. At least those questions were eliminated during 5/1….lack of choice is very liberating. While I do have a food plan now in maintenance, there is still too much room for choice. Choice leads to making decisions which leads to obsessions.

I wish I could swallow a black pill a few times a day & stop having to deal with food. Forever. I could be happy never having to deal with the damn stuff again for the remainder of my days on earth.

I wonder what it feels like NOT to obsess over food? It must be a wonderful thing. I wouldn’t know, you see, since I’ve been obsessed with food since childhood. It was my friend, my family, my ‘real’ mother, my sisters & brothers, my friends & something I did to keep myself occupied. Food was always there when others weren’t. When the fighting was going on in the house, the food didn’t scare me like the grown ups did. The food never threatened to run away & never come home again. The food was a constant reassurance to me… was solid, it was enjoyable, it didn’t cause me pain….it made me feel GOOD when little else did.

Until, of course, that good feeling turned bad…as any addictive behavior eventually does. When the pain of the overeating outweighed the pain I was trying to avoid, that’s when I started the diets. The endless, endless diets. That’s when I started the yo-yo cycle that would probably follow me straight to the grave.

Sometimes I wonder why I bother. Sometimes I think it’s easier to eat what I want, when I want it. Then I remember the horrible pain & shame all that excess food caused me. Now I see the pain I cause myself from the food restriction & I can’t help but wonder. Which pain is worse? Oh, I know the answer to that…..the pain of compulsive overeating is far worse than any pain I cause myself from restricting my food intake. It’s just gets so damn tiresome. Sometimes I feel like staying in bed with the covers pulled up over my head & just cry.

Most days are good, some days not so good. All in all, life is fine & it’s all ok. But some days….some days are toooooo much. Some days I want to go back to being fat & ‘safe’. Some days I just want to scream bloody murder & say WHY ME? Some days I feel sorry for myself. Other days I feel like the luckiest person on earth. And some days are in-between those two feelings.

Sometimes I don’t want to deal with food plans, programs, websites, jobs, kids, husbands, families, cars, traffic, clothes, housework, friends. Sometimes I just want to feel numb. Isn’t that what turned me into a compulsive overeater to begin with? The desire to feel NOTHING? The trouble with feeling nothing is I don’t feel joy OR sorrow, just nothingness.

I guess there is no happy medium in life. If there is, I’m still trying to find it. Some days are better than others. Some days I am convinced I’m A-ok & other days I am convinced I can’t go on for another SECOND with all this crap. But I do. I still wake up & perform my routine like a good little soldier. Sometimes I’m sick to death of it all though. Sick & tired is a gross understatement in fact.

I know why people regain their weight. In fact, I know why I gained all MY weight back over & over again. Because it’s a lot of hard work to stay the course. The mental work is even harder than the physical work. I’d like to give my brain a rest & some days, it does rest. Then along come the days where my brain is working overtime & getting nowhere. Like a rat running in a wheel.

What a torture chamber this journey can truly BE. With other addictive substances, once the person is through the worst of the process, he is DONE with the drug, it’s gone & finished. It’s the exact opposite with food. It’s always there. It’s always in my face. It’s always a decision. It’s always a necessity. And it’s always always always a gigantic pain in the ass.

I give others lots of support & words of ‘wisdom’. But sometimes I feel like chucking the whole damn program & going back to my old ways. I recognize the ups & downs of the disease, I know that intellectually. But sometimes emotionally, it’s all too much.

Do you ever wonder what you’re DOING? Or why you’re doing this AGAIN? Or, worse yet…do you ask yourself What’s The Point?