Tuesday, February 19, 2008

And yet another....restart.

Wow. Yet another restart. What is different this time? Nothing. It is the same struggle. The same decisions. The same tension that settles in when I'm on program. It's like there's a magnet in my brain toward self-sabatoge. The longer I can resist the tension, the more days I am successful without giving in to the pressure. I think it's about striking a balance and living with an acceptable level of tension...and being ok with it. I decide what I put in my mouth. And when I default to junk I am deciding to do that. Is it an indicator of self-loathing? Maybe...but I gotta get through it. I have no reason to loathe myself. I'm not a horrible person.

So...here goes! Day One! Success is mine for the taking.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

A Few Words from Epictetus....

I remember Riverpoet posting that quote once on her blog, and I don't think she had any idea what a profound impact it would have on my thinking. Anyone who has followed my progress for any amount of time knows my story, knows that I was wildly successful on MF and lost 136 lbs in 14 months. Then you know that I gained about 25 pounds after becoming pregnant (subsequent miscarriage)...and then I let an "under-the-surface" bout with depression drive me into gaining about 14 more pounds...

It was a quick almost 40 lb gain. It seemed so quick because I seemed to be in a carb coma, self-induced, throughout the process. It's like I could SEE the fat re-filling my fat cells...and I didn't care. I lost the vision of What It Was That I Wanted To Be, and in losing the vision I lost the drive and the motivation to keep myself up, so to speak.

Well, as in the endless stories of drug addicts or alcoholics who wake up on the other side of a weeklong, monthlong, or yearlong "binge" to find they are exactly who they DIDN'T want to be and who they FOUGHT not being for a long time ... but found they suffered a relapse..I think I can officially say I relapsed and am "clean" again. "Sober" from carbs.

It's a battle. It's a battle to find something that truly works, invest so much time and energy into it, be so committed for so long and then fool myself into believing that because I was thin that my body would respond like a thin person, ie I could eat what I wanted without suffering too many adverse consequences while I went about the self-destructive minset of NOT CARING. NEGLECTING myself. NEGLECTING my basic needs, which are to be mindful of what I eat. NO. The 40 lbs creeped on. It was always "I did it once, I'll start again tomorrow"...but tomorrow never came. Or tomorrow DID come, and I found I was 100% on until it got dark and the Pita Chip monster came a-callin'.

Well, I'm happy to report that I went for a run yesterday, I'm going for a run in a few minutes, and my body is beginning to respond positively to the "inputs" I'm giving it, ie proper MF nutrition and portions, as well as excercise and water. Yesterday I ran 2 miles. Today I will run 2 miles. That's just how it will be. I don't care how I feel. I'm done feeling sorry for myself. I'm done trying to subconsciously (perhaps?) punish myself for losing the baby. It wasn't my fault. I know that, I've always known that. And I don't have to do any penance for it.

I've been 100% for a week and a half now, and have plateaud out at about 156. I will keep at it, keep strong, keep motivated, as my goal of 118 has not changed. I would like to be under 145 when we move to Phoenix in 28 days. I just would. I believe I can do that.

As Epictetus said, we must provide the "cause" toward what "effect" we would like to see. A dear Bible School Teacher of mine used to say "So you are now, Then you will be." Am I lazy? Undisciplined? Irresponsible? Do I expect someone to come along and wave a magic wand to change me so that in the future I will be Disciplined, Responsible, with a body that reflects THOSE attributes instead of a body that reflects my lazy undisciplined self? Well, So you are now, Then you will be. You want to see real change? (I'm talking to myself here...) Then BE the change you want to see. If you don't do it, no one will do it for you.

With that said, I'm strappin' on my runnin' shoes and heading out the door.

Have a great Sunday, you all.