Monday, September 21, 2009

DAY 24 ALMOST DONE

Day 24 almost done.
Day 24 is almost done. A few more days and I will have solidified this "new" lifestyle as a habit. Again! =)

I was grieving today for the fact that I let myself gain weight again. Looking back, and being so strongly committed to the program, I wonder why in the world I couldn't pull it together 2 years ago in the fall of 2007 and just do the work? I mean I know in my heart that I was not at a point in my life to focus on the program, but then my head says "well why not?"

If I were me responding to a blog I may have written 2 years ago, I would have told me to pull it together, that I needed to do it for my son and my husband and ultimately for myself. I would have told me that my health is much more important than making excuses for gaining weight. I would have slapped me around a little bit.

Oh, isn't it enlightening, armchair-quarterbacking our own lives? I guess we all have regrets in our life. I am praying that I can get the weight off again, I am PLANNING on getting it off again, and I have a strategy to do so. But meanwhile, I grieve a little that I can't wear even my size 20 jeans yet. Perhaps I enjoy being hard on myself.

I was pondering my youth, and my growing up with an overweight mother, and a size 2 elder sister. Society is hard, classmates are hard, people in general are hard on a child who is obese. It was always communicated to me in nonverbal ways that "if only I were thin". "If only I were like my sister". "If only." It as as if somehow I would be "enough" or I would "matter" if only I didn't struggle with my weight.

I was in weight watchers in the 4th grade. My mom would pack my lunch every day, and since she wasn't a big "lunch-packer" I would end up with a can of smoked oysters and some cottage cheese for my protein, 6 saltine crackers, and some salsa and celery for my vegetable. OH BOY! Just the kind of lunch to allow me to go unnoticed.....NOT. Now I was the fat kid who brought freaky-weird lunches to school. I did, however, lose about 20 lbs. And for a 4th grader, I thought that was pretty good! But also sad.

I got poor grades in grades 1-3 because everyone had my sister before me, and when they saw me I'm SURE they made snap judgements that because I was overweight I was therefore lazy.

That changed in 4th grade, when we changed schools and my 4th grade teacher did not ever HAVE my sister in class. All of a sudden I was getting all A's. And it's not that I was doing anything differently.

I remained the "chunky" kid with the "chicken legs" through Junior High and High School, where my sis went on to be a cheerleader, and although I tried out every year I did not make it until my Senior year. That's when I made the cheer line.

It was that summer that I vowed to myself that I was NOT going to be the heaviest girl on the cheer line. The girl I inherited my uniform from had been "Moo-ed" at from the stands at football games during half-time. That was NOT going to be me.

So, in September of my Senior year, I began the Diet Center weight loss program. I lost 30 pounds. I was NOT booed at. I was wearing fun clothing. My sister had graduated. It was MY time.

I was able to maintain my weight into my first 2 years of college, with hard work and diligence. Then I went to Bible School in England.

At the Bible School in England, the girls gained weight, and they guys lost it. We ate cereal for breakfast, oily greasy meat stew on rice or potatoes for lunch, and ham and pineapple toasts for dinner. It was well-nigh impossible for me to get any lean proteins there, so I actually didn't eat very much except what few vegetables they served for the first 2 months, and I swam every day. I actually felt good, and was maintaining my weight there until I gave it all up one day. In one decision, I decided I was DONE struggling. I was DONE saying no to everything. So I began to indulge. Hob Nobs. Eat-Fests with my dormmates. Everything I had been missing for the first 2 months, I ate. And through the next 7 months, I gained 50 lbs.

Coming back home, I joined the Diet Center again. I lost about 40 lbs, which put me at the nice healthy weight of 122. Then I got married. I married a man a met at Bible School, a Canadian. We moved to Canada, to Winnipeg, and my wedding day was the last day I weighed 122 since then.

I steadily gained about 10 lbs per year for the next 14 years. In there somewhere was a stint of Body For Life, where I lost about 30 lbs, but promptly regained it.

Topping out at 266, I began Medifast in 2006. It worked so well for me, I was thrilled. in 14 months I lost almost 140 lbs, and then went through the "year of trials" I was referring to at the top. I made bad choices. I looked after everyone else's needs EXCEPT my own. Now I'm back. I've lost 16 lbs, and am on my way to 122.

My goal last time was 128. I have revised it to 122. And I will get there. And I will STAY there. It is a comittment I am making to myself. And guess what? I am SO worth it.


Posted Tuesday, Sep 15, 2009 10:05 PM by goalbysummer | 6 Comments [Edit Post]

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