Yay! I'm back out of the 170's and back into the 160's! 160 1/4 to be exact. (And, if I'm anything, I'm accurate! It's part of my nature and temperment). That puts me just at the overweight category! For the first time in 13 years. I'm so thrilled, and that is an understatement. I finally just decided to cut out all bars and snacks, and have shakes for 2-3 of my meals. That, and I resumed my running. I had taken a 1 week bread from running while my parents were here, and it really affected my mindset! What I found it did is increase my anxiety even more. I need that exercise fix, both for the physical reasons of the endorphins as well as the psychological component which assures me I'm doing everything I can do to lose weight and get healthy.
I am getting comliments left and right from people I haven't seen in awhile, like Julian's Pediatrician yesterday. I am so close to having lost 100 lbs that I just round up now. It's technically 97 1/2 lbs, but to say "Ninety-Seven-and-a-half Pounds" sounds like I'm a little too focused on the numbers. And I am, sure, but they don't need to know that! Ha!
Things this week have continued on the stress-level they were, but I'm coping with runs and long baths and quiet times in my Bible. Turns out the Kidney Dr. is still talking Dialysis for Julian, and since Dave is not a match we may need to go ahead and get that going. My uncle is still being tested, so we will see if that all works out or not. My Mom was admitted yesterday to a hospital in Tucson, to be close to her Cancer Doctor, because she is having some difficulties in her health we believe related to either the Chemo, the Radiation she received, or ultimately the Cancer. I don't know the prognosis yet, my Dad has yet to call.
Julian has oral surgery on Monday to fill 4 cavities down at Children's Hospital, and that cost us close to $1,000 that we didn't have, so that is stressing me out! If only I could channel this stress-energy into housecleaning! (Instead of impulsive shoe-buying on E-bay!) After all, we didn't have the $1,000 for the dental work, and I have a complete disconnect with that and buying shoes on e-bay. Something not right there....a topic I'll explore with my counsellor on Friday.
I am encouraged that I actually have several "lunch/dinner" dates with girlfriends. I have about 6 ladies within about a 45 minute radius who I try to get together with every once in awhile. I'm not really a phone person, I'm much more relaxed in person...I always feel like I'm intruding when I call someone...it's like popping over unannounced, y'know? But finally our schedules have meshed and I have something on the calendar with 3 of them. Today, lunch in Estes, a week from Monday dinner at Chilis, and a week from Thursday dinner at the Med in Boulder. Yay! (Thanks for worrying about me, Anita, I am an introvert by nature and I'm ok!!!)
My husband is very pleased with my progress on MF. I am smaller than I have been in 13 years, and we've been married for 15 years! So in a few months, 4-5, I'll be at my wedding weight. 122. I have my wedding dress in my closet, and it would be awesome to fit in it again! I never thought it would be possible. Never in my wildest dreams.
Oh, a super fun story from a few days ago...I went into the garage for something, and saw my two "wardrobe boxes" filled with clothes I have been dragging around since I got married....Some of them are actually in style again, and best of all most of them fit! So I brought about 15 garments in from the garage, washed the ones that needed washing, and brought them in. Thankfully we have lived in dry climates (Arizona and Colorado) so they aren't moldy or mildewy (ie ruined) and they aren't moth-eaten! I even have a black pair of jeans I had in college, and never EVER thought I'd get into again. I can't wait to try them on in 10-20 lbs down the road.
I remember an outing that one of my friends went on a couple years ago, it was a group of about 8 women who got together and had a night on the town in their wedding dresses. I saw the pictures from that night, and they all looked beautiful. I remember feeling a deep sense of sadness because I wasn't even considered to be invited to that outing. A deep sense of sadness directed at myself. I couldn't have gone even if I was invited, but I probably wasn't invited because it was assumed I couldn't fit into my old wedding dress. I remember an intense longing to be able to wear it again! To be beautiful again. To use a familiar analogy, I've felt like this glorious swan locked inside an ugly duckling body for so many years, I almost forgot I was a swan. But deep down I knew, and it only made me depressed and mad at the world and extremely bitter because I couldn't turn myself back into the swan. Well, I couldn't, but God can! He is backing up my decisions with the strength to follow through.
I really feel like I'm learning some self-control AND some perseverance. It's a long road, and it doesn't only apply to food and exercise...that is definately a start, but it's not IT. I also have to translate this self-control and perseverance into the area of finances and housecleaning. Once I'm able to do that, I will have turned myself, with God's help, into the vision of who I wanted to be. It seems insurmountable, but so is losing 100 lbs and I've just about done that!
Well, that's it for now. Julian's Physical Therapist will be here in a few minutes and I don't want the place looking like a bomb has gone off! Social pressure gets me motivated every time!
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