So my blog yesterday about either being on program or off program really struck a chord with me. I was on, all day long, and this morning was rewarded with....maintaining. I must be at the mother of all plateaus, and I ain't too happy about it.
So, seeing as breaking this plateau requires drastic AND I MEAN DRASTIC measures, I have decided (sniff sniff, sob sob) to ditch my half and half from my morning coffee. I am already experiencing separation anxiety, as I slowly sip my BLACK coffee with a packet of splenda in it.
It's just not as satisfying. But since when on this program has my satisfaction been at issue? My word, I've changed my whole way of eating. Discontinuing a little half and half is not going to kill me. No matter what my internal voice is screaming.
So I will finish my non-half and half-ed coffee. Unless I don't, because it gets cold because I don't like it too much. Either way, I will not have half and half today. It may be that my body has gone as far as it can on half and half. I'm down to a weight I have not been for ages and ages. And that is very exciting to me.
I will stop focusing on what I can't have and start focusing on what I CAN have. I CAN have yummy pudding, oatmeal, shakes, and soups. I can drink lots of iced cold water. That is what I'll focus on.
Here's to a half-and-half free weekend.
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Old Measurements, New Measurements
Body Part: Old Measurement;New Measurement
Neck: 16;13.25
Upper Arm: 17.75;13
Upper Chest: 47;36
"Chest" chest: 54;40
ribs (just under breasts) 45;33.5
Waist: 49;31.5
Abdomen: 56.5;38
Hips: 56;39
Buttocks (at widest part, saddle bags included!) 56;44.5
Upper Thigh: 33;26.5
Knee: 18.5;16
Calf: 16.5;15
Ankle (!): 9;8.5
That is after 108 lbs lost. For some reason, my saddle-bags will not budge! I think I have poor circulaton in that area, and so the fat has less chance to be utilized. Every time I go for a run my skin is cold from my upper thigh to my abdomen. Crazy. It's always been that way, too!
I decided to take my measurements both as a glance at where I've come from, but also to serve as a benchmark when I feel whiney because I'm not losing fast anymore. Now I can come back to my new measurements and see if I'm losing inches. There you have it.
I Am on my program, Aren't I?
Found myself telling hubby I'd been "mostly good" yesterday! I had a fingerfull of sun-butter and didn't count it as anything. So why is this "mostly good?" Either I'm on MF or I'm not. There is no inbetween.
I've seen quite a few recent posts lately of a similar vein. I'm not sure if it's Spring Fever, or Sabatoging Self-Talk. You'll recogize it, and don't think I'm pointing anyone out unfairly. If you feel like I'm pointing at you, remember I've got the other 4 fingers pointing back at me. But does this sound familiar?:
"I did so great!...But then...and I only had....and I had to...but it's ok because....and I'm on plan....except for.....and I don't know why I'm not losing....ok I sort of do....but I'm doing the plan....except for _________"
Put your vice of choice in the blank. Except for too many diet sodas. Except for not enough water. Except for not getting all my meals in. Except that my life is really hectic right now. Except that I ate too much peanut butter (or sunbutter in my case). Except that...except that...except that.
Are we going to continue to ACCEPT that from ourselves? Are we? I'm not. It stops today. I can have 1 cup of coffee and two diet sodas a day. Not one cup of coffee and six diet sodas. Yes, it matters. It matters to my weight loss, it matters to my husband, it matters to my health and YES, IT MATTERS TO ME! As much as I like to THINK I'm doing the program. I either am or I'm not. And if I'm not, then I'm not.
Eating a few packets of MF food does not a MF dieter make me. Not when I'm not following the REST of the program. Just some food for thought.
I've seen quite a few recent posts lately of a similar vein. I'm not sure if it's Spring Fever, or Sabatoging Self-Talk. You'll recogize it, and don't think I'm pointing anyone out unfairly. If you feel like I'm pointing at you, remember I've got the other 4 fingers pointing back at me. But does this sound familiar?:
"I did so great!...But then...and I only had....and I had to...but it's ok because....and I'm on plan....except for.....and I don't know why I'm not losing....ok I sort of do....but I'm doing the plan....except for _________"
Put your vice of choice in the blank. Except for too many diet sodas. Except for not enough water. Except for not getting all my meals in. Except that my life is really hectic right now. Except that I ate too much peanut butter (or sunbutter in my case). Except that...except that...except that.
Are we going to continue to ACCEPT that from ourselves? Are we? I'm not. It stops today. I can have 1 cup of coffee and two diet sodas a day. Not one cup of coffee and six diet sodas. Yes, it matters. It matters to my weight loss, it matters to my husband, it matters to my health and YES, IT MATTERS TO ME! As much as I like to THINK I'm doing the program. I either am or I'm not. And if I'm not, then I'm not.
Eating a few packets of MF food does not a MF dieter make me. Not when I'm not following the REST of the program. Just some food for thought.
So How Will I Get My Weight Loss Fix Once I'm at Goal?
ere's a question for all you lovelies on Maintenance...
First let me set it up by saying I'm addicted to losing weight. When I was 150 lbs overweight, I used to joke that I would love to have a "temporary eating disorder" ie the lack-of-eating kind! (Instead of the overeating kind!) I know, I know, it's nothing to joke about, I used to work for a top-notch private eating disorder clinic in Arizona, so I know I know. It's not something to wish on anyone. OK, that aside, as I'm reaching my goal I am beginning to wonder where I will find the motivation to stay at goal if I'm not losing weight.
The power of the scale is so strong, and I'll tell you what I fear. I fear I will purposefully gain 10-20 lbs right off the bat to keep the pressure on and have to lose it...and be able to continue experiencing the joy of the decreasing numbers on the scale. Then when I get there, I'm afraid I'll gain the 10-20 lbs again just so I can lose it. I feel worthwhile and confident when I am losing weight. It has been such a lifelong struggle for me that I actually think I derrive much of my self-image from whether or not I am losing weight.
But I want to get to goal and stay there! So how do I start to wean myself off the numbers and the importance I place on them, to try to get my mind in a position to not care that I'm not losing anymore once I've reached goal? Any advice? I mean...it's never too early to start preparing, right? I think I'm atleast 4 months away from goal...
First let me set it up by saying I'm addicted to losing weight. When I was 150 lbs overweight, I used to joke that I would love to have a "temporary eating disorder" ie the lack-of-eating kind! (Instead of the overeating kind!) I know, I know, it's nothing to joke about, I used to work for a top-notch private eating disorder clinic in Arizona, so I know I know. It's not something to wish on anyone. OK, that aside, as I'm reaching my goal I am beginning to wonder where I will find the motivation to stay at goal if I'm not losing weight.
The power of the scale is so strong, and I'll tell you what I fear. I fear I will purposefully gain 10-20 lbs right off the bat to keep the pressure on and have to lose it...and be able to continue experiencing the joy of the decreasing numbers on the scale. Then when I get there, I'm afraid I'll gain the 10-20 lbs again just so I can lose it. I feel worthwhile and confident when I am losing weight. It has been such a lifelong struggle for me that I actually think I derrive much of my self-image from whether or not I am losing weight.
But I want to get to goal and stay there! So how do I start to wean myself off the numbers and the importance I place on them, to try to get my mind in a position to not care that I'm not losing anymore once I've reached goal? Any advice? I mean...it's never too early to start preparing, right? I think I'm atleast 4 months away from goal...
Net Loss For the Month -3 lbs
Well, the trip to Phoenix that I blogged about a few weeks ago really put a kink in my weight loss. That is when I was off program for 8 days and gained 17 lbs. It took two weeks to get the weight back off, and then I lost an additional 3 over the last 10 days or so. So my net loss for the month was 3 lbs.
Even though my body is becoming more "normal" looking, my body will NEVER be "normal" in how it handles and processes foods. I think that is one of the traps people who lose a significant amount of weight fall into. If I look of "normal weight" shouldn't I be able to enjoy the foods that I like? Maybe some people can. I sure don't want to discourage all of you out there that you may never be able to indulge in your favorite foods again. But for me? I have to reconcile myself to the fact that my body will not allow me to do that. EVER. I will be one of those people that you read about in "People who lost half their size" PEOPLE magazine edition who have to do atleast an hour of exercise per day to maintain their loss, AND keep a super-tight reign on what they put in their mouths.
If this is not a sacrifice I am willing to make, I may as well stop now. But I am willing. Eating can never be a recreational sport for me. Never again. Part of what scares me about getting to goal weight (at this rate I'm 10 months away from that, but realistically I'm probably about 6 months away....) is how hard I am going to have to work to maintain it. But that is ok. It is worth it, I am worth it, my husband is worth it, and my son is worth it. All the reasons I gave for losing the weight in the first place will be my reasons for maintaining the weight.
Part of what we tell ourselves to get through the hour/day/week is "this is temporary" and "I'll be able to have 'X' when I'm 'done' with MF". But will we? Are we just kidding ourselves. Do we need to re-invent our reward system? Do we need to just finally grieve the fact that we aren't normal and that this is our lifetime struggle and we will always be dealing with the bodies we have been "blessed" with? For me, I think so. So I will grieve, and it will be part of the process of relinquishing the hold that food has spent a lifetime gaining on me. I have to peel back it's talons and get it out of my head. Freedom. That is what I seek. Freedom from the intruige of food. Freedom to live my life with food not being what I look forward to, what I hold as the "goal".
A healthy body, a healthy mind and a healthy spirit. That is my goal. Food doesn't even factor into the equation. That is what I need to hold on to. Otherwise I will sabatoge myself and stay in the 150's and 160's forever, never fully dealing with my food issues.
I look forward to the day I can report that I am in the 140's. I feel I will lose a lot more than 10 pounds by the time I've gotten there. Hopefully I'll lose the desire to sabatoge myself.
Even though my body is becoming more "normal" looking, my body will NEVER be "normal" in how it handles and processes foods. I think that is one of the traps people who lose a significant amount of weight fall into. If I look of "normal weight" shouldn't I be able to enjoy the foods that I like? Maybe some people can. I sure don't want to discourage all of you out there that you may never be able to indulge in your favorite foods again. But for me? I have to reconcile myself to the fact that my body will not allow me to do that. EVER. I will be one of those people that you read about in "People who lost half their size" PEOPLE magazine edition who have to do atleast an hour of exercise per day to maintain their loss, AND keep a super-tight reign on what they put in their mouths.
If this is not a sacrifice I am willing to make, I may as well stop now. But I am willing. Eating can never be a recreational sport for me. Never again. Part of what scares me about getting to goal weight (at this rate I'm 10 months away from that, but realistically I'm probably about 6 months away....) is how hard I am going to have to work to maintain it. But that is ok. It is worth it, I am worth it, my husband is worth it, and my son is worth it. All the reasons I gave for losing the weight in the first place will be my reasons for maintaining the weight.
Part of what we tell ourselves to get through the hour/day/week is "this is temporary" and "I'll be able to have 'X' when I'm 'done' with MF". But will we? Are we just kidding ourselves. Do we need to re-invent our reward system? Do we need to just finally grieve the fact that we aren't normal and that this is our lifetime struggle and we will always be dealing with the bodies we have been "blessed" with? For me, I think so. So I will grieve, and it will be part of the process of relinquishing the hold that food has spent a lifetime gaining on me. I have to peel back it's talons and get it out of my head. Freedom. That is what I seek. Freedom from the intruige of food. Freedom to live my life with food not being what I look forward to, what I hold as the "goal".
A healthy body, a healthy mind and a healthy spirit. That is my goal. Food doesn't even factor into the equation. That is what I need to hold on to. Otherwise I will sabatoge myself and stay in the 150's and 160's forever, never fully dealing with my food issues.
I look forward to the day I can report that I am in the 140's. I feel I will lose a lot more than 10 pounds by the time I've gotten there. Hopefully I'll lose the desire to sabatoge myself.
Some Strategies
I thought I'd share some of the strategies that have really helped me along my weight loss journey. First of all, I'm 5 foot 2, and have gone from 266.5 lbs last summer to 159.5 lbs today. I've gone from a size 26 (tight) to a comfortable 8-10. My goal is to lose 41 more pounds, to get to 118 lbs, or a BMI of about 21.
So! I was commenting on a previous blog about my "goal closet" strategy, and my "jean-buying" strategy. This works especially when nice stores have items on sale reduced for final clearance type thing. Ebay is also fun to shop on for designer stuff at reasonable prices!
Ok, this is what I did. About a month after I started MF, I needed something concrete that helped remind me of my goal. So I walked into an Ann Taylor Loft, went to the sale rack, and bought a pair of size 8 Capri's. I put them in my "goal closet". Of course I was asked by the clerk if I wanted a "gift receipt with that..." and I just politely said no thank you and refused to be offended. After all, I was still about a size 22-24 when I bought said capri's. So I was prepared for it.
Then I walked across the street to the Levi's Store and bought their highest size (I think it was a 16...) in a pair of cute jeans. I put them aside and tried them on when I got home...of course they wouldn't go over my knees. But once a week I kept trying them on, until one day they fit! The day they fit, I was so elated I went back to the Levi's Store and bought a pair of 14's. Once again, I tried them on once a week. When they fit, I bought a pair of 12's. When they fit I bought a pair of 10's. When they fit I bought a pair of 8's (Ok, not really...When the pair of 12's fit I actually bought the 10's AND the 8's because I was so excited!) When the 8's fit, I bought a pair of 6's. Guess what? I can get the 6's on and zipped. They are not wearable out of the house yet, I look like a stuffed sausage in them...but the day I can wear them out of the house without being self-conscious, I will buy a pair of 4's.
A PAIR OF 4'S, PEOPLE! Even as I type that I can't believe that I will actually be doing that...last summer I was at Costco and some really fun Ralph Lauren Polo jeans were on sale...I bought a size 14 and a size 6. The size 6's looked SO SMALL to me at the time, I could hardly believe that one day I would fit into them. I'm not in them yet, as they don't have any stretch material like the Levi's do...but I can almost get them over my hips now!
You see, my body image is virtually non-existant, having been seared by so many years of abuse and yo-yoing, I have no idea what I actually look like or what my size actually is. Even if I'm looking at a full-length mirror. But clothes don't lie, and so if I am fitting into smaller and smaller sizes I actually know I'm losing inches and can't argue with it. Particularly, jeans don't lie.
So. That is a strategy I used, and if I was tempted by something I shouldn't be having, I would just try on my next size down jeans and refocus on my goals.
You can do it too!
So! I was commenting on a previous blog about my "goal closet" strategy, and my "jean-buying" strategy. This works especially when nice stores have items on sale reduced for final clearance type thing. Ebay is also fun to shop on for designer stuff at reasonable prices!
Ok, this is what I did. About a month after I started MF, I needed something concrete that helped remind me of my goal. So I walked into an Ann Taylor Loft, went to the sale rack, and bought a pair of size 8 Capri's. I put them in my "goal closet". Of course I was asked by the clerk if I wanted a "gift receipt with that..." and I just politely said no thank you and refused to be offended. After all, I was still about a size 22-24 when I bought said capri's. So I was prepared for it.
Then I walked across the street to the Levi's Store and bought their highest size (I think it was a 16...) in a pair of cute jeans. I put them aside and tried them on when I got home...of course they wouldn't go over my knees. But once a week I kept trying them on, until one day they fit! The day they fit, I was so elated I went back to the Levi's Store and bought a pair of 14's. Once again, I tried them on once a week. When they fit, I bought a pair of 12's. When they fit I bought a pair of 10's. When they fit I bought a pair of 8's (Ok, not really...When the pair of 12's fit I actually bought the 10's AND the 8's because I was so excited!) When the 8's fit, I bought a pair of 6's. Guess what? I can get the 6's on and zipped. They are not wearable out of the house yet, I look like a stuffed sausage in them...but the day I can wear them out of the house without being self-conscious, I will buy a pair of 4's.
A PAIR OF 4'S, PEOPLE! Even as I type that I can't believe that I will actually be doing that...last summer I was at Costco and some really fun Ralph Lauren Polo jeans were on sale...I bought a size 14 and a size 6. The size 6's looked SO SMALL to me at the time, I could hardly believe that one day I would fit into them. I'm not in them yet, as they don't have any stretch material like the Levi's do...but I can almost get them over my hips now!
You see, my body image is virtually non-existant, having been seared by so many years of abuse and yo-yoing, I have no idea what I actually look like or what my size actually is. Even if I'm looking at a full-length mirror. But clothes don't lie, and so if I am fitting into smaller and smaller sizes I actually know I'm losing inches and can't argue with it. Particularly, jeans don't lie.
So. That is a strategy I used, and if I was tempted by something I shouldn't be having, I would just try on my next size down jeans and refocus on my goals.
You can do it too!
Sheesh! I Feel Like A Prophet!
Boy oh boy, I'll tell you what. God keeps me humble, that is for sure. Sometimes I feel like when I blog about successes and staying on MF and having tons of motivation, I am the one who needs to hear it the most! Inevitably I will be faced with a challenge that I just offered advice on, and half the time I give in! Crazy.
I'm getting the SunButter out of our house. I think every Veteran on MF has had her/his ISSUES with Peanut Butter (or in my case Sunflower seed butter...my son is allergic to peanuts...)
There is something that happens in my brain when that first Tablespoon is dispersed to every nook and cranny of my mouth/senses. It's called "rationalization" and/or "temporary insanity".
It's absolutely nuts. No pun intended. (It would be "seeds" anyway, not "nuts!")
So last night I OD'd on the Sunbutter. I mean OD'd. I logged my calories, and they were still under 1200, but who cares at that point? The level of fat I interjected into my day was downright embarrasing. I did not weigh this morning. Now, my normal advice to myself would be to step on the scale anyway because it IS what it IS. Not knowing doesn't change the damage I did or didn't do. So I may as well know, and not carry the sense of failure through the weekend with me. Fresh start, New day, yada yada yada...right? Wrongo. I'm not goin' near that insidious instrument until Monday.
I did wake up, have my oatmeal, and go for my 2 mile run. So mentally and program/wise I'm back. But I'm noticing this trend of self-sabatoge, especially on the weekends, that I am recognizing from previous failed attempts at dieting. And it scares me.
Well, lets take it one day at a time, and one meal at a time, and one decision at a time. I can't be afraid, I must be confident. So here goes...
I'm getting the SunButter out of our house. I think every Veteran on MF has had her/his ISSUES with Peanut Butter (or in my case Sunflower seed butter...my son is allergic to peanuts...)
There is something that happens in my brain when that first Tablespoon is dispersed to every nook and cranny of my mouth/senses. It's called "rationalization" and/or "temporary insanity".
It's absolutely nuts. No pun intended. (It would be "seeds" anyway, not "nuts!")
So last night I OD'd on the Sunbutter. I mean OD'd. I logged my calories, and they were still under 1200, but who cares at that point? The level of fat I interjected into my day was downright embarrasing. I did not weigh this morning. Now, my normal advice to myself would be to step on the scale anyway because it IS what it IS. Not knowing doesn't change the damage I did or didn't do. So I may as well know, and not carry the sense of failure through the weekend with me. Fresh start, New day, yada yada yada...right? Wrongo. I'm not goin' near that insidious instrument until Monday.
I did wake up, have my oatmeal, and go for my 2 mile run. So mentally and program/wise I'm back. But I'm noticing this trend of self-sabatoge, especially on the weekends, that I am recognizing from previous failed attempts at dieting. And it scares me.
Well, lets take it one day at a time, and one meal at a time, and one decision at a time. I can't be afraid, I must be confident. So here goes...
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