One Day, Three Extremes

Today was a cathartic day.  I ended up crying my eyes out for part of it, jumping for joy for part of it, and saying "Wha?........" for part of it.

This morning I went to Jerome for the day.  I love Jerome, Arizona.  Such a fun little town, so many memories.  My husband and I used to own a Bed and Breakfast there, so it is always a good time and good memories to head up there if even for a few hours.  I stopped in on some old friends in the shops, I bought a KILLER pink dress at the House of Joy for my Puerto Rico trip next week (we have a Valentine Dinner of sorts on a beach on an island on our last night), and a little silver jewelled kaleidascope necklace at Nellie Bly.  I peeked in the Spirit Room and listened to the live band that was playing, and spent about an hour journalling over a cup of espresso at the Flatiron Cafe.  I went for a hike a few miles up the dirt road past the Gold Hill Mine towards Perkinsville, and it was coming back to my truck on this road that the "Wha?....." happened.

But first, the crying my eyes out. 

Before I turned around to walk back down the road to my truck, I sat for awhile out there in the stillness that is Northern Arizona in February on an old non-maintained dirt road.  I thought about my life, and I thought about all the blessings that I have been given, including and at most my 8 year old son who received a (successful!) kidney transplant almost 4 years ago now.  Every day I give him back to God with an open hand, but I retain the fear that God will take me up on that, so you can see what a tug-of-war goes on in my soul daily.

My husband resigned his job and has been home-schooling our boy since September 1st, and we have been doing fine, but I spent some time today just asking God to keep me continue on with my goals and to "keep my on my feet" so to speak.

Sometimes you just feel like you're THIS close to being knocked out, as if in a round of boxing.  Life can just throw jabs at you, and sometimes it is all you can do to stay on your feet.  Not stumble.  Not fall.  I said some very heart felt prayers today asking God to keep me on my feet.  For my family.  For my boy.

You see, I have lived most of my adult life as an obese woman.  I have now NOT been that for over a year, as I am maintaining and even furthering my health goals, and have been for over a year now, and in my heart I KNOW this is a permanent change and a lifestyle since implementing the Habits of Health which override my Habits of Disease daily. 

However, comma, I never want to take that for granted.  And my husband and I have designed our lives around what matters most to us, our son.  Spending time with him,  Making sure he is safe.  Making sure he knows he is loved and accepted and "enough" even though he has some huge medical challenges to live with for the rest of his life.  We want to give him that gift.  And so we are.

So I pray God continues to keep me "on my feet" and daily making the choices that I need to make to maintain my weight, my health, and my lifestyle.  Yes, the tears flowed during that prayer out there in the Arizona Wilderness.

The "Wha?....." moment cam while I was walking BACK to my truck.  Up on that desolate road I only saw one vehicle pass me.  That was an old beat up Ford truck, with three guys in cowboy hats riding in the front bench seat.  As the truck passed me, I heard a "moo" sound come from the back of the truck, and without looking back, my brain immediately assumed that there was someone riding in the back of the truck and they were making fun of me.  Why?  Because my brain defaulted to "fat me" brain.  My brain defaulted to thinking that those men were seeing a 5'3" woman walking the back road who weighed 272 pounds and was almost as wide as she was tall.  Or so she felt when she was 272.  It took a full 10 seconds for my brain to rationalize that:

#1)  I don't weigh that anymore, as evidenced by my running my hands down my thighs to make sure they had not, indeed, grown in circumference while I had been walking....honest I did that!

#2)  Realizing when I heard the "moo" the second time about 15 seconds later that it was NOT a "moo" but a "baaaaa", and that they were ranchers who had a SHEEP in the back of their truck. 

Now that's funny right there.  But very poignant in that this new healthy life is still so new to me that my brain can still play tricks on me like that.  But that is still funny.  I spent the rest of the walk laughing at myself.  =)

Jumping for joy came a little while later, when while walking past the Haunted Hamburger I met the owner of another Bed and Breakfast in town, who had been there when my husband and I were there way back when.  She did not recognize me.  I had to explain to her who I was, and we had a very good conversation in which she called me "an itty bitty thing."  Now she is pretty itty bitty herself, so for HER to call ME itty bitty, well, I jumped for joy all the way down the concrete stairs back to my parking spot after talking with her for 10 minutes. 

So one day, three extremes, and I feel like I have been put through the paces today.  Joy.  Grief.  Confusion.  All of it.

And not ONCE did I "feel" like answering ANY of those emotions with a big ole piece of cheesecake.  Not ONCE.  Not ONCE did I feel like stuffing my grief down with a pizza.  I didn't want to celebrate with Ben & Jerry's, nor did I want to ponder at the confusion I felt over a warm plate of brownies.  Not once did I even THINK about food as a drug.  In fact, come to think of it, it has been a LONG time since I HAVE thought of food in that way.

I'm telling you what, this time is different.  This time I have embraced the Habits of Health and if I can do it, anyone can.  Honest.  This is NOT a DIET to white-knuckle your way through and hope for the best at the end of it.  We MUST develop fit and healthy minds to go along with our fit and healthy body or this whole thing is an exercise in futility.  Please take if from someone who knows by experience.  It's NOT all about the size of your jeans.  It's NOT all about the numbers on the scale.  It IS about what you do, what you think about, when life happens.  When grief happens.  When joy happens.  When all of it comes at you like a freight train, and you just have to stay on your feet.

Adopting Habits of Health will allow you a chance of succeeding when that happens.  I've lived that, and I stand by it.

Have a great Sunday everyone.  Go Ravens.