Old Journal Entries.....

I got out my old journals from my newly married days 20 years ago, and reading them was quite difficult because I was in SUCH a state of UNHEALTH both in body and mind (I believe I had obesity-related depression) and I KNEW it.  I was already over 200 pounds ( 5 foot 3), at age 26.  I ended up reading about 4 of my old journals, because as was typical back then I would buy a new journal, write in it for a few days or a few weeks, and then abandon the effort.  The first few days or few weeks would be filled with some proclamation involving getting healthy and losing weight.  Then the pages would taper off in to food logs, weight logs, exercise logs, and then all the yummy restaurants I was visiting and what I ordered there.  Then a few more pages of self-loathing, depression and then the rest of the journal would be blank.

It was actually rather painful but also enlightening being the NEW me, reading what the OLD me was going through, because I just wanted to help her!  I just wanted to tell her "I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH, I HAVE BEEN THERE MYSELF" and wouldn't that have been ironic LOL!

But seriously, I DID know what she was going through.  I DID live that experience.  I DID come out the other side and find peace.  Finally.  Peace about who I am.

Here is a juxtaposition of two journal entries made by the same person (me), one was written 18 years ago and the other was written a week ago. 

18 years ago: 

"Why do I seem to be slipping back into the mindset of being uncontrollable in my diet ? Like it's too much effort?  Dear Lord, help me, be my strength, help me!  Along with that mindset comes an incredible sense of a loss of self-worth.  It really hurts!  Like being numb and selfish, and having an intense loathing of myself.  Where does it come from?  Why does it continue to haunt me?  I know not, but sometimes I don't feel anything.  I feel like my mind is filled with mush and I am simply unable to focus, to concentrate, to collect my thoughts, to function.  Today, this week, has been one of those weeks.  It's terrible.  How much more will Dave (husband, then and now) put up with?  I feel like I'm a constant let-down to him and that compounds the feelings of hatred I have for myself."

(A sidenote here to the Blog Reader, although this was written 18 years ago, these feelings stayed with me and were consistent, as was my unhealthy body, up until 4 years ago when I began TSFL)

Last week:

"Today I watched in interview with Bono about what his ideas of the Meaning of Life was.  His answer?  Love.  Reaching our Full Potential individually, our true God-given potential, and that God, the God of the universe, is mind blowingly interested in the details of our lives.  Hope.  Optimism.  Love.  These are the things he had as a boy and continued to cultivate through his incredibly inspiring life.  He said he is humbled and blessed.  I feel like Bono.  In the last four years I have been discovering the me I always knew I "could have been".  I am she.  She is me.  And it has absolutely been the ride of my life.  In 28 Days, 4 weeks from tonight, I will be on my way to Paris France to run a marathon.  ME.    Life is grand.  It boils down to choices, really.  Daily choices and daily actions which, over time, show us what we are capable of.  If we accept that we are insignificant and worthless, our actions will become self-fulfilling prophecies as we seek to actively undermine our worth every single day, propagating the lie.  If, however, we embrace the truth that we are fearfully and wonderfully made, if we embrace the knowledge that God truly made each one of us special, if we act on that in love and hope first towards ourselves, we can eventually help others see THEIR value and worth on this world stage.  It starts and ends with.....LOVE."

The tenor of the two entries are diametrically opposite of each other.  And both are accurate to my feelings at the time they were written.

I have realized who I am.  As the Lego Movie highlights, "I am The Special".  Each one of us is The Special.  Each one of us has been uniquely cast PERFECTLY into the role of....OURSELVES.  We each have a heroic story to tell with our lives.  We can each do amazing things.  If we believe we can.

It isn't just gobbledy-gook.  If Morgan Freeman as the voice of Lego Vitruvius says it, it HAS to be true.  =)

We are, each one of us, THE SPECIAL.  We just need to step into that truth and LIVE it every day, with each one of our choices.

Believe it.

Rinse and Repeat!