Tuesday, April 3, 2007

Choices

Today is Wednesday, and I'm feeling like I'm in a gray fog. It usually happens around this time of the month. Also feeling a little overwhelmed, as we are going to Phoenix on Friday and I feel like I have a lot to do between now and then, and no energy to do it. Bummer. Still hanging on at 164.5 lbs, hoping for a nice drop tomorrow. I went out of the house unprepared today and had to rely on an Oatmeal/Raisin Bar, which I don't normally have, especially on non-running days. But it was either that or skip a meal, which I didn't want to do. Bub had his dentist appointment, which was great although I found out we aren't brushing his bottom-front teeth correctly. So we started doing it better. It's got a weeks' worth of tartar on it, but I'm sure we can get that off by correctly brushing for a few days. It just got there in the last week.

So I'm going to Phoenix this week, and I'm a bit nervous about what I'll find when we see Mom. She spends most of her time in the bed now, which is rapidly causing her to become truly invalid. She just turned 60. I feel so badly for her. She is starting to look like she's in her 70's.

I am praying that I won't go off MF. I thought about having a piece of pecan/apricot cake, or pineapple/macadamia nut cake that I'm having sent to my sister's house for Easter, but I really need to re-think that. I didn't even want a piece of each, I wanted a sliver of each. Basically, two small bites of each.

Now I have to really think this over. Why do I feel like I should have it? What advice would I give myself if I read this on the Blogs? It's funny how we set our sights on something and then all of a sudden feel like we "deserve" it. Why do I "deserve" it? I've had apricots before, I've had pecans before, I've had pineapple before, I've had macadamia nuts before, and I've had cake before. Nothing new there. But if I eat it, I'll be undermining myself and my progress, and if ANYTHING I need to encourage stability and familiarity while I'm gone, not the opposite. If I go off for Easter, I may find it difficult to get back on for the rest of the week in Phoenix. My stress level will already be off the charts, simply by being in Phoenix. So, I may just decide to stay 100% on program. I could do that. Why do I feel like I'm "giving up" something important or special if I decide that? Why do I think the time would be any less enjoyable, or the company any less special? What is it about food that holds us so?

We are spending the first night at dear friends' house in Tucson. I'm already anticipating having a glass of wine. Why? A glass of wine will throw me right out of ketosis. I can't do that. Do I think that will set a good precedent for the rest of the week? No. Cognitively analyzing the situation in advance makes me think I need to rethink my choices ahead of time. Perhaps it should be either/or. Either I have a glass of wine at my friend's house, OR I have a couple bites of cake at Easter. There is a third option. 100% compliance. That's not as fun of an option. It's like the wine or beer will take the edge off and I can enjoy and relax. But it doesn't set me up great for the week...and do I want to lose weight or gain weight while I'm in Phoenix? I'd prefer to lose. If I'm not going to be exercising (and I already know I'm not...) atleast I can stay 100% on the eating plan. I can. I will. I will measure my half and half. I will not drink wine. I will not drink beer. I will not eat cake or bread on Easter. Because it's all just food and drink. I'm made of stronger stuff. My mettle is serious. My will is strong and can override my desires and wants (where food is concerned, anyway!).

Ok. There's my answer. I am 164.5 right now. In a week and a half, when I return, I will be 161 or lighter. That is my pact. That is my goal. I have not been in the 150's for over 13 years. I was 24 the last time I weighed in the 150's or less.

Let that goal and that challenge drive me through the week of temptation. That is the advice I would give myself.

Have a good Easter anyone who may be reading this! Or a good Passover!

1 comment:

Nonnie said...

I feel like I am in the same place as you wondering why I think I deserve to eat these things off plan. Let your desire to reach goal be your driving force. Like you said, you've had all that stuff before. It's not just losing weight, it's gaining control of yourself. I want SO much to be in control. I know you can do it. Thanks for the inspiration.