Success or Not? You decide.
I've finally got my stuff together. Thanks for gently prodding me along the way. I haven't gotten our most recent order, but we still have a couple weeks of food and I'm on day 3. Hubby is doing it too. Down 7 pounds. My goal is to lose 100 lbs by next summer. It's ambitious. But so am I. Hence, GOALBYSUMMER. My ultimate goal is losing 145-150 lbs, putting me at 117-122. I was 122 when I got married, and it is a nice GORGEOUS weight for me. Hopefully I'll be AT goal on my 41st birthday, and run a Marathon shortly thereafter. I'll be 40 on October 30th, so I think that is realistic.
No matter, it will come off as fast as it will come off, and I intend on being 100%. I even conquered my nemesis, the Cream of Tomato soup today. I put 1/2 clove garlic, a few TBSP of fresh cilantro, a tsp of fresh jalapeno pepper, a dash of mexican cumin and mexican oregano, a splash of lime juice (1/2 tsp) and some salt and pepper. I blended it in the healthmate blender and warmed it in the microwave. It was like drinking a taco. I LOVED it. It was my meal two.
Now the question: What has changed? Why will it work for me again this time when I have failed so many times in the last year to successfully and permanently re-start a program that I already know works?
Well, it was a little video by Tony Robbins. You'd have to see it to fully appreciate what impact it had on me, so here's the link.
http://www.moneymastersseries.com/squeeze.php
You have to enter your e-mail address, but it is just so he knows you aren't a spammer.
The take-away that I got from it is that there are two methods by which successful people become successful. Both of them involve coming to the mindset that you are CERTAIN you will succeed and not fail.
Two things can drive us to this certainty: The first is a motivation that comes from their back being up against a wall, and them seeing no other option BUT to succeed. For me, that was when I tripped in my husband's parking lot in July of 06, and dropped my son on the pavement. My back was up against the wall. When that happened I was determined to succeed if it killed me.
The second way to instill certainty is to condition yourself for success. I have heard this in the past, but never knew really what it meant, it was all gobbledygook to me. But basically, it is also reinforced by the Beck Diet Solution which I am listening to.
Most people think that POTENTIAL is what you start with, which leads to ACTION, which leads to RESULTS, which leads to FAITH IN YOURSELF, CERTAINTY THAT IT WILL WORK. But in actuality, you must START with the FAITH and the CERTAINTY that you WILL succeed, which when combined with the POTENTIAL (and tools), which leads to the ACTION (utilizing the tools) which leads to RESULTS because you know it will work, which REINFORCES the certainty and faith in yourself.
In chart form, this is what most people believe is the route:
POTENTIAL leads to ACTION leads to RESULTS leads to FAITH (that it will work and you will succeed)
But in actuality, it looks like this:
FAITH determines POTENTIAL leads to ACTION leads to RESULTS which then continues to reinforce your FAITH.
Upward spiral, not downward spiral.
That is the route I am going.
One would think it would be easy to be certain that Medifast works, especially since it worked so well with me the first time around. But the very fact that I gained all the weight back undermined my certainty in MYSELF and erroded the confidence needed to realize my potential again. So, a few days or a week in of my restarts, since my skepticism of my ability to do it again was RICH with uncertainty, I would allow myself to sabatoge my plan. This would reinforce my failure. Which minimized my potential. Which shut off my action, which ended my positive results. Which reinforced my sense of uncertainty (failure), etc etc.
In that my back is not up against a wall in a medical or life threatening RIGHT NOW way, I must go this second route of reaffirming my certainty that I will do this again. I have to start from there. I have to start from imagining and remembering me in the 120's. I have to go in my goal closet, look at the clothes, and be CERTAIN that it is only a matter of time before I am wearing them again.
So, that is what I am doing. I am CERTAIN this time that I will once again see the 120's. There is NO DOUBT in my mind that this will happen.
And ultimately, this is the big bugaboo of the age old question "is it OK to cheat every once in awhile?"
NO. Because cheating erodes the certainty that I will succeed. It deviates from the formula of success and that variable alone is enough to throw anyone (especially me) off his/her game. It erodes that, which minimizes my potential (ie...i "could" have lost more, quicker, but I cheated X amount of times....) which erodes the action..makes it a half-baked attempt, and I don't have to tell you what a half-baked attempt does in terms of results. Zip zero nada results. Attitude change from certainty to fear and failure. Bingo. Downward spiral is launched.
That is my two cents worth, as inspired by Tony Robbins.
I'm on Day 3.
Posted Tuesday, Aug 25, 2009 3:10 PM by goalbysummer | 4 Comments [Edit Post]
Determined
Drinking my water and plugging along. Determined as ever.
Posted Monday, Aug 24, 2009 11:49 AM by goalbysummer | 2 Comments [Edit Post]
There is no charge for awesomeness.....or attractiveness....
That's probably my most favorite quote from Kung Fu Panda. Now, onto Medifast news, I am so NOT HUNGRY. I forgot how so NOT HUNGRY this program makes me. It's actually a little annoying. Since one of my "triggers" to overeat comes from the feeling of fulness, it is actually downright inconvenient that this program makes me feel full, like, ALL OF THE TIME. Y'know what I mean? I find myself trying to convince myself I don't need that last Medifast meal, just so I can experience hunger again.
But this is not correct thinking, and therefore I will not act on it. I will do the program. I'll do what I need to do. Why? because I need to.
I also love the quote from the Gladiators...when the AWESOME Russell Crowe character is talking to his steward, and asks him if he wants to do something or other...his steward says "Sometimes I do what I want to do...the rest of the time I do what I have to do."
Ain't it the truth? I'm going to live this day in and day out on this program. And after the program. Because if you haven't noticed, thin people often watch what they eat too. And it's not because they need to lose weight or are on a diet. It's just that they know and have ACCEPTED their limitations where food is concerned. And it isn't a chore to them. They just do it because it is a fact of life. It only becomes a problem to those of us (myself included) who have attached every possible emotion to our food, and use it as a way to obtain peace, joy, etc.
Which we all know is a trap but keep trying anyway.
Well, not this gal. Not no more.
Take care, y'all.
Posted Thursday, Jul 16, 2009 11:39 PM by goalbysummer | 5 Comments [Edit Post]
Just Feel Blah...
I'm guilty. Have I gone off program? No. I'll tell you what I HAVE been engaging in this morning: Self Defeating Thoughts.
I am not a person who is prone to depression "for no reason". My Mom experienced clinical depression, and I have had post-partum depression before (mild), but I've never experienced clinical depression. And I don't think I am now, either. But I AM beating myself up. I AM feeling horribly at what I allowed myself to gain over the last year and a half. I AM feeling like a failure.
Perhaps this is one of the reasons that it is SO HARD to stick to the program once you've slipped off? The guilt, the pain of failure, the knowledge that the success was yours and you threw it away.
It is sometimes easier to bury the pain, to try to ignore it, and to distract yourself with FOOD.
I must be a foodaholic. Alcoholics use alcohol as a crutch. I use food. I get grumpy when I can't have it.
Right now, this moment in my diet, is the most dangerous time of my restart for me. WHY? Because I'm not losing gobs of weight super fast. I'm dutifully mixing up my white packets every 2-3 hours, fixing a lean and green, but I'm still in my size 26 shorts.
Bottom line is that I've found no magic wand or even my own personal fairy godmother to say "Bibbety-bobbity-boo" and take this 130 lbs off me in a snap. And I'm whining about it. Damn straight.
It's hard work. It's overwhelming. It's depressing. And I seem to be focusing on the negatives.
That's it, I'm getting my "positive affirmation" index card out and I'm going to drink another liter of water, and sit here until I get happy.
Posted Monday, Jul 13, 2009 1:50 PM by goalbysummer | 10 Comments [Edit Post]
Putting more thought into my Lean and Greens
I've been putting more thought into my lean and greens this time around, partly because I LOVE vegetables now, and partly because I want to be intentional about making good "real food" choices instead of the auto-pilot salad and grilled chicken track I was on the first time I was on Medifast. THERE IS NOTHING wrong with grilled chicken and salad, but I burned out due to having it every night day in and day out, and therefore it was the LAST thing I wanted when I was "off-program" because I was SO burned out. Now it is hard for me to look a chicken breast in the eye and think "mmmmmm-yum!" and I'm having to be creative with my lean and greens as a result.
So I am enjoying lean beef. And lean pork. And tilapia. And salmon. And I'm enjoying all the things I can do with them (summed up it is usually piled high with grilled or raw vegetables)...but I am getting creative with condiments now, and adding different flavors in tasty ways.
When I'm "off" the reducing phase of the Medifast program, I will look forward to carrying these eating habits forward. Intentional, creative, healthy, very "Mediterranean" eating.
Happy Medifasting, everyone!
Posted Saturday, Jul 11, 2009 11:08 PM by goalbysummer | 5 Comments [Edit Post]
Today I laid out what I will be wearing in one year...
I spent a little time in my closet today, amidst my size 2-8 clothing, doing some visualizing.
I decided it would be productive and inspirational to go into my closet as if I could fit in all of the clothing in there, and pick out what I would wear today "if" I were near my goal weight.
I selected my old college black Guess jeans, size "30" (which I think is like an 8) and a black and white patterned spandex-like top which looks GREAT when I can fit into it.
I laid these items on my bed (after I made my bed), so I can see that outfit every time my daytime wanderings through the house take me into our Master Bedroom.
I'm inspired. Although I may not do this every day, I will do it often. It helps me solidify my goals into actions. Because we all know that HOPE is not a STRATEGY. Hope coupled with the IMPLEMENTATION AND EXECUTION OF A PLAN (ie hope+strategy+action) will result in our dreams becoming reality.
How do I know? Because I did it once. And my body is still my body, so I know it works, and I am doing it again. I'm into week 2, and feeling great about where I'm going. OK, maybe not FEELING great, but THINKING great. What is the diff? There is a huge difference between my feelings and my thoughts. My feelings may sometimes be irrational, and try to draw me down the path of failure. But as long as I control my THOUGHTS, and make corrections to any wrong thinking that I may be wallowing in at any given moment, I can still succeed.
It doesn't matter if I FEEL fat. It doesn't matter if I FEEL like I want to go off program. It only matters what my decision is, and what my action is. So. Here's to right thinking. Here's to logical and sane and realistic thinking. Here's to the certainty that if we do the program it WILL WORK FOR US. I am not the exception, although sometimes that little inner (icky)voice will tell me "So what, so you did it once...look where you are NOW. You call that success?" And to that I say. "Actually, yes." You see, I chose to do the right thing a week and a half ago. And I am living proof that it is NEVER TOO LATE TO START DOING THE RIGHT THING.
So let's have a successful day. Here's to us. All.
Posted Friday, Jul 10, 2009 2:00 PM by goalbysummer | 5 Comments [Edit Post]
Starting week 2, and down 8.5 lbs
It's just a mathematical certainty that if one does the program, one will lose the weight. I've got 8 "on-program" days under my belt, or rather "gone" from my belt, and am down 8.5 lbs. My clothes are already fitting looser, and I can't wait to see the changes that next week bring. Already I can tell this time it is different than all my failed re-starts in the last year. How can I tell? Because I am happy to be on the program, not dreading being on the program. Because I'm looking at my closet full of beautiful size 2-6 clothing with optimism and hope, knowing-catch that-K-N-O-W-I-N-G that the only thing standing between me not wearing those (currently size 26) and me wearing those is time. It WILL happen. OK, so I can insert the word "Again", but that word is better than "Never again".
I am also listening to the audio book "The Beck Diet Solution" and I believe it is helping. I made my list of the reasons I want and need to lose weight, and it is 3 index cards, front and back, that I read every day along with my morning coffee.
Anyway, just thought I'd check in, for any of you who keep wondering "what happened to GBS?" I'm hangin' in and feelin' fine.
Posted Thursday, Jul 9, 2009 10:00 AM by goalbysummer | 9 Comments [Edit Post]
Day 2
Day 2 of my recovery. I relapsed for a year and a half but I'm back. Hi, I'm Goalbysummer and I'm a food-a-holic.
I have been guilty of using food to calm my fears. To pacify my anger. To arrest my boredom. To celebrate my successes. I have poured my life into my food and not my life. Guilty as charged.
True change is hard and as IslaMolly just shared with me an old Chinese Proverb..."Fall down 7 times and get up 8". Thank you, Isla! Point well taken, and I also love the song "Stand" by Rascall Flats, here are the lyrics:
You feel like a candle in a hurricane
Just like a picture with a broken frame
Alone and helpless like you've lost your fight
But you'll be alright
You'll be alright
Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend, till you break
Cause it's all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad you get strong
Wipe your hands shake it off
Then you stand
Then you stand
Life's like a novel with the end ripped out
The edge of a canyon with only one way down
Take what you're given before its gone
Start holding on, keep holding on
Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend, till you break
Cause it's all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad you get strong
Wipe your hands shake it off
Then you stand (then you stand)
Yea, then you stand (then you stand)
Everytime you get up
And get back in the race
One more small piece of you
Starts to fall into place, yea
Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend, till you break
Cause it's all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad you get strong
Wipe your hands shake it off
Then you stand.
I'm getting up for the 8th time, and I'm standing.
With the Lord's help and strength, that's for sure.
Posted Friday, Jun 12, 2009 3:33 PM by goalbysummer | 9 Comments [Edit Post]
Eyes on the Prize
We met with an insurance agent today about switching our auto and home insurance. He offered to review our life insurance policies as well, to see if we had good policies, or if he could offer a better product at comparable rates. I was humbly reminded how incredibly well I did on Medifast the first time around, and it is just sinking in as I type this blog how successful I was, and can be again.
When I began Medifast at 266 lbs (and 5'2) in July of 06, I was in a bad situation. I had no health insurance, no life insurance, and my back and knees were beginning to wear down. I was in a size 24-26 in bottoms, and 3XXX in tops. I had a little boy who was facing dialysis and/or a kidney transplant, and who needed a healthy vibrant Mom.
I used these circumstances to will myself into action. I lost 136 lbs over 14 months. I went from a size 24-26 to a size 2-4. I went from huffing and puffing when I climbed a flight of stairs to running a 1/2 Marathon (The Boulder Backroads! YAH BABY!!!). I obtained affordable health insurance through Blue Cross/Blue Shield! I not only applied for a life insurance policy, but was granted the SUPER-PREFERRED rate, which our insurance agent today said only 3% of the population qualify for!
I did it. I even grew an INCH to 5'3", and dropped a shoe size...from 7.5 to 6 and 6.5. Because my spine was decompressed and my feet were also decompressed, and less chubby.
Then I faltered. I had a tough year, and instead of transition (I was pregnant at the time I would have begun transition and couldn't be on MF---Medifast rules not mine---) I ended up gaining back most of my weight.
Ughhh.
I have tried to restart numerous times, but it's like my brain has forgotten how to muster that self-discipline.
But today I was reminded that I can do this. I was reminded by my insurance agent, who had no idea he was encouraging me to obtain my weight loss goals again. Just by saying that I was within the 3% of the population that gets the super-preferred rate, he has lit a spark in my heart. A spark of a hope that maybe, just maybe, if I accomplished it once, I can accomplish it again. I told him my story and he said "Well, you know you can do it, since you've already done it once."
Wow! Instead of focusing on my failure (in my eyes...my weight re-gain), he turned my eyes to look at the initial success. I DID do it once. I CAN do it again. In fact, I am the only one who can STOP me from losing the weight again.
I think I should be the poster-child for transition. Because this time I'm going to transition to maintenance and I will not give up the fight.
We just completed my home gym. I have always dreamed of having a room dedicated to my work-outs, and until now we have not had the space to do it. But a dear friend of ours just gave us a beautiful piece of resistance/weight equipment that is kind of an all-over machine with pulley system and weights (always attached...no need to switch carabeeners over to the new pully when another exercise is attempted) and it is super smooth. I also have an eliptical machine that I am going to start getting up in the morning and using. I also have quick-change free-weights. So I am set, and there is no excuse to not exercise, even in the heat of the Arizona summer.
Thanks for reading, and if you've found anything helpful that I have said please let me know. The support we receive from this site is incredible. Many people think that I have it all together, and how in the world could they encourage ME. Well, you can. I need it.
Thanks.
Posted Thursday, Jun 11, 2009 6:44 PM by goalbysummer | 10 Comments [Edit Post]
Ceviche ceviche ceviche.
I am doing very well this time around on MF, and am pleased to report that I am enjoying seeing my body get back into the swing of this!
I still get the munchies, but I have split my Lean and Green into 2 meals and this gives me 7 "eating times" per day. I've discovered an awesome way to get my lean and green in...I make a big batch of red snapper ceviche at the beginning of the day, and then whenever I get hungry I dip into that. I make sure that the quantities are appropriate for a lean and green meal, and then it really doesn't matter how many times I dip into that bowl, by the end of the day I make sure it is gone and I feel super-satisfied.
I use 5-7 cooked oz of Red Snapper, (I know, ceviche technically starts with raw fish or shrimp, but since the lemon/lime juice doesn't kill the bacteria I cook my seafood first) and the juice from several limes. I cut 1/2 of a white onion into small dice, do the same with a seedless cucumber, and 1-2 jalapeno, seeds and stems/ribs removed. I chop a bunch of cilantro into it, and put it in the fridge for the flavors to meld.
It is a refreshing summer treat and fully on program.
I make the same thing for my husband, and he dips the MF crackers into them for an even crunchier treat.
Well I'm off, time to eat some more ceviche!
Posted Tuesday, Jun 2, 2009 7:56 PM by goalbysummer | 6 Comments [Edit Post]
Eating my iceberg lettuce and grilled chicken
So here I am, just crunching on my iceberg lettuce with a squeeze of key lime, and my "naked" grilled chicken with diced jalapeno. Pretty good lean and green if I do say so myself. I am blogging because this time around my lean and greens are hard to swallow. Literally. Don't know why, but they are my least FAVE part of the diet right now. Again, have no clue why. So I blog and I eat, and I will blog and eat my way through this lean and green so that my day will be as successful as I want it to be. Which is 100% successful.
I have ditched the Coke Zero, and for any of you who know me one iota know that is a BIG DEAL. I was an addict. I just decided over the weekend that addictions have no place in my life anymore. So I stopped. It seemed like the right thing for me to do at the time. I am doing well, it is my 4th day without diet soda or artificial sweeteners of any kind. I'm applauding myself.
I purchased a pair of size 5 Levi's from Costco tonight. I felt a thrill in that purchase akin to 2 years ago when I was assembling my goal closet...of size 2-6 clothing that I eventually fit in to! Now for motivation I go and stand in my closet and think...."I remember when I wore that...and that...and that...and I will do so again."
I'm giving myself one year, committing myself hard core for 12 months to get to my goal. For some reason 12 months sounds more doable than 14. Even though, realistically, it may take me 14 or 15 to get down to 120. But I have patience. And tenacity. And perseverance. And self discipline. And I will pull on all of it and the Lord's strength to boot to get me there. We are on our way.
Posted Tuesday, May 26, 2009 10:23 PM by goalbysummer | 6 Comments [Edit Post]
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Nov 08-May 09
Eating my iceberg lettuce and grilled chicken
So here I am, just crunching on my iceberg lettuce with a squeeze of key lime, and my "naked" grilled chicken with diced jalapeno. Pretty good lean and green if I do say so myself. I am blogging because this time around my lean and greens are hard to swallow. Literally. Don't know why, but they are my least FAVE part of the diet right now. Again, have no clue why. So I blog and I eat, and I will blog and eat my way through this lean and green so that my day will be as successful as I want it to be. Which is 100% successful.
I have ditched the Coke Zero, and for any of you who know me one iota know that is a BIG DEAL. I was an addict. I just decided over the weekend that addictions have no place in my life anymore. So I stopped. It seemed like the right thing for me to do at the time. I am doing well, it is my 4th day without diet soda or artificial sweeteners of any kind. I'm applauding myself.
I purchased a pair of size 5 Levi's from Costco tonight. I felt a thrill in that purchase akin to 2 years ago when I was assembling my goal closet...of size 2-6 clothing that I eventually fit in to! Now for motivation I go and stand in my closet and think...."I remember when I wore that...and that...and that...and I will do so again."
I'm giving myself one year, committing myself hard core for 12 months to get to my goal. For some reason 12 months sounds more doable than 14. Even though, realistically, it may take me 14 or 15 to get down to 120. But I have patience. And tenacity. And perseverance. And self discipline. And I will pull on all of it and the Lord's strength to boot to get me there. We are on our way.
Posted Tuesday, May 26, 2009 10:23 PM by goalbysummer | 6 Comments [Edit Post]
I am sure being tested this week!
I am being tested this week. I'm a daily weigher, and I have lost zero zip nada over the last 3 days. A plateau so early on? Well, I lost 8.5 lbs the first 3 days, so I 3 days of staying the same still gives me a net 8.5 lb loss for the week so far. Tomorrow I'll weigh again and mark it down as the final weight loss for my first week.
I've been 100% OP, and kept the condiments to a minimum. Mostly lean fish options and chicken breast for my lean, with the exception of lean steak today. Walking every morning, 2 miles. All my water in plus some. I'm doing the plan and I think my body, after 3 days, went "Whoa there nelly! I didn't gain 100 lbs in the last year to let you come in here and start losing it again!"
Well, to that I say TOUGH. I will lose it again. I have started to lose it again. I even began my goal-clothes routine yesterday which, I have to say, was v-e-r-y depressing. I was at Savers, and bought some denim Capri's in a size 20-stretch. They looked so large on the rack, I thought for SURE they would fit so at least I could have something besides sweats to wear right NOW. I also bought a pair of Levi's Low-ride 16 jeans. (Interrim Goal jeans) Well, I got home fully expecting the size 20 capri stretch pants to fit. And I could not even get them up over my well-apportioned buttocks. Wow, wow, and double wow. My body image is NOTHING even close to accurate. I see myself as smaller than I actually am right now. Self-protection? Perhaps. I'm sure I get glimpses of my actual size (like the capri incident) which make me sad...but I am , overall, very optimistic that I won't be here for long.
Is it hard? Yes. It pretty much is. Especially since it only comes off as fast as it came on. 8 lbs/month for me. But going down is better than going up. It has to be, and I have to do this. I have no choice. Well, I COULD curl up and die, but that wouldn't help anyone and I have no desire to do that. So it's onward and downward.
Posted Monday, Mar 30, 2009 5:32 PM by goalbysummer | 9 Comments [Edit Post]
And I can't believe I forgot the true intensity of...the TOXIC GUT.
I think the title says it all. Explaining further would come to no good.
Posted Sunday, Mar 29, 2009 1:55 PM by goalbysummer | 2 Comments [Edit Post]
Mini-Revelation...addicted!
Yes, people, yes, I AM addicted. I'll tell you what I am addicted to which I am breaking RIGHT NOW!! Having started and given up MF so many times this last year, and having made a committment this time to not give up no matter what, I find that here, on day 5 or 6 (I've lost count...it doesn't matter...) I am down and depressed. Why?!?!!?!? I lost half a pound between yesterday and today. So, why am I down and depressed? Because I lost 8 lbs in the first 3 days. Then I stopped losing for a day, now I'm down 1/2 a pound.
I am addicted to the glycogen drop! I'm addicted to that 5-8 lbs that comes off in the first 3-5 days of the program! It is obvious. And I missed it until today. But now I realize that I feel so awesome, amidst the crappiness of the first 3 days I still feel awesome that my body is shedding so much volume/weight that when that level of weight loss is not sustained I become disheartened.
Don't tell me, I know all the answers to this one theoretically...the head knowledge so to speak, that "the first three days are just the getting rid of the glycogen so your body can begin the real work of burning fat"....and "you would not WANT to lose 5 lbs every 3-5 days because that would be too hard on your body...loose skin...etc...unhealthy...etc." I know all this. And I agree with it all.
AND YET, psychologically there is that deflated feeling after the first 3-5 day initial loss upon starting the program again. I need to blog it out, to see it in print, to remind myself that if I stay addicted to the "weight loss high" of seeing those scale numbers go down in large amounts I will be disappointed and will risk throwing the baby out with the bath water.
No. I will not. Because I already determined that my feelings were not going to enter into it for the first 2 months. Feelings aside, cravings aside, I was making the DECISION not to go off program. And by sheer grit and determination, and asking the Lord to back up my CONSCIOUS DECISIONS with His supernatural strength, I will succeed.
There is an our part and a His part. I must decide to exercise self-control (it is a muscle, you know!), and once I turn my face to that direction and take just one step, the Lord comes in and gives me the strength to walk the rest of the steps away from the temptation. He will not rescue me from my temptation if I keep looking and longing and lingering. Eventually I will wear what defences I have down with my loitering around the temptation, and will succumb. He wants me to get the heck out of Dodge and, whether symbolically or actually, put the temptation out of my mind....get over it...get myself into a bubbly bath, go into another room, go throw myself on my bed with my pillow over my head...WHATEVER that looks like for me to practically move myself away from the temptation...and viola, He replaces those yearnings that seemed so overpowering with His peace. But it takes a few minutes, at the very least. And sometimes it takes me putting that half gallon of ice-cream in the sink with the lid off and water running.
Here's a tip to anyone who happens to be reading this. If you've got a plate of "X" or leftovers of "Y" and you are finding yourself attracted to it, run to the sink and throw it in there with the water running. I guarantee that "X" or "Y" will present itself as much less attractive to you when it is covered with water. And it will be unedible, as opposed to placing it in the trash, where it can still issue it's siren call to you. Yes, I have retrieved items from the trash before to indulge. If I put 1/4 of a costco carrot cake, still in it's box, in the kitchen trash can, I have been known to go scavenging later on. The alternative to that is putting it in the OUTDOOR trash bin, the one that gets collected ever week. If it is in THERE, it is guaranteed I will leave it alone. The water trick works will with the costco cakes also though, I have found.
So, tips for survival. Is that XXXXXX a temptation to you? Run water over it OR put it in the OUTDOOR trash bin. Or both. Guaranteed you won't be picking at it later. ESPECIALLY if the outdoor bin was empty when you threw it in there, upsidedown? Heh. I've thought of all the angles here, folks. And you know the best part? You don't even have to have mental buy-in or agreement to do this. You just do it without thinking. If you are IN the moment, and craving the THING, you are NOT going to get mental-buy in to go run it under the faucet. In fact, you have to do it so fast so as to shock your brain so to speak. If your brain gets wind that you are doing it, it gives it more time to give you all the reasons why you shouldn't run water over the temptation. "What a waste!" It will say..."You don't have to do THAT, that is CRAZY!" It will whine. It will plead. It will cajole. It will tell you you can handle it, you can be good. But DON'T believe it. Your brain has entered the bargaining stage of grief over the item you are about to render inedible. Just DO it. You will thank yourself later. You will also find something pleasantly surprising. Once you destroy the item and render it inedibly, the tension, the pressure you were feeling to give in and have some disappears! It disappears just as soon as you render it inedible!
I have really gone off on a tangent on this one, but I was just remembering some of my past temptations and what I have done. Especially when everything in my rapidly-shrinking-body screamed for that taste of this or that bite of that.
Hope this helps someone. It helped me to remember.
Posted Sunday, Mar 29, 2009 12:56 PM by goalbysummer | 4 Comments [Edit Post]
Morning sunrise
So I was able to get up this morning at (croak, groan...) 6:30 and go for my walk. I've decided it has to be mornings, or else I will risk not getting the walk in, and since I've determined it to be so vital to my success I must make time at one end of the day or the other.
I was glad I did. It was a beautiful sunrise, and I cannot tell you when the last time I saw a sunrise was. It was wonderful.
Well I'm off, I'm cleaning the house and getting ready for an afternoon BBQ with some good friends.
Take care!
Posted Saturday, Mar 28, 2009 12:18 PM by goalbysummer | 5 Comments [Edit Post]
One More Meal Ends Day 4
I have one more meal to go and it will be chocolate pudding. I did go on my 2 mile walk today, as I have done every day this week. Did I feel like it? I don't know, it didn't matter. I just did it. My mahi-mahi and salad was wonderful tonight. I had 2 shakes, 1 cream of broccoli soup, and 1 puddings so far.
Good times, good times. A few headaches and nausea over the last few days, but just bore with it, and took some tylenol.
So, can't wait. 4 days down, 396 to go.
Posted Friday, Mar 27, 2009 11:19 PM by goalbysummer | 5 Comments [Edit Post]
A great 3 days done and onto the 4th
So here I am, day 4. The verdict after 3 days was a loss of 8.5 lbs. I'll take it. Yippee. Here is how I will accomplish my goal in the next year:
1) I will stay 100% OP
2) I will walk or run 2 miles per day, rain or shine, feel like it or not.
3) I will find my goal jeans and line them up so I can once again track my progress from a 26W to a 2 Petite.
4) I will blog and read/comment on other people's blogs
5) I will track my food
6) I will keep the condiments to a minimum
7) I will drink my water every day. No exceptions. Not if I feel like it, I WILL DO IT.
8) I will remember that the weeks I am not losing on the scale I am losing inches.
9) I will do this.
If I can do it for 3 days, I can do it for 30 days, and I can do it for 300 days. I will do it for as long as it takes. As Renee Zellwegger said once "It's only about how much you care. The rest is just math". Math. 5 and 1 math. 2 miles a day math. 8 glasses of water math. And that is it.
It don't matta how I feel. But now that I mention it, I'll let you know how I feel. Just before re-starting 3 days ago, I felt fat. I felt worthless. I felt like a failure. I felt my knees aching. I felt my spine being compressed again (I gained an inch in height doing the MF program last time...I can feel it compressed again). I felt like a waddling chicken. SO!!! I have suspended "feeling" for the next few months, because I KNOW all of those things will be changed as I lose the weight.
Some of you may be asking how I allowed myself to gain 124 of the 136 lbs I lost the first time back again. Many of you don't know my story. For the newbies I will sum up and try not to sound super pathetic doing it. Mind you I'm not fishing for sympathy, not at all, I am just stating the facts of the last year.
1) I did not transition. I hit my goal weight of 130 in September of 07, ran a half marathon, and immediately found out after that I was pregnant. MF does not allow you to even be on transition when you are pregnant, so I adhered to the policy and tried eating healthy.
2) My then 3-year-old son (he is 4 now) had a peritoneal dialysis catheter surgically installed in November 07 in order to begin dialysis, as his kidney function dipped under 10%.
3) I suffered a miscarriage in December 07
4) My son's PD catheter failed in December 07
5) We moved to another state in March 08
6) My mom died after an 8 year battle with cancer in March 08
7) We relocated temporarily to the Ronald McDonald House at Stanford in Palo Alto in order for my son to begin hemodialysis and receive a kidney transplant.
8) My son received a kidney transplant (praise God!) and we remained in Palo Alto for 100 days post-transplant
9) My dad got remarried
10) We moved back to Arizona
11) My husband lost his job, he had been commuting for a YEAR to another state for work..so it was actually a blessing that he can now seek work here in Arizona full time.
My son Julian is doing great, which is the main reason I can begin to focus on myself again. The stress of the last year + and the constant eating out in Palo Alto caused me to balloon back to 254.5 lbs. (That .5 is important because I am such a literalist).
My husband and I are now settled into our new house, our son is doing great, and we are doing MF together.
So, here I go. I took before pics yesterday, and will post them in a few months when I have some interrim pics to post along with them.
I am committed. I will do this. I have to do this.
Posted Friday, Mar 27, 2009 3:37 PM by goalbysummer | 9 Comments [Edit Post]
Back in the groove...and on my way to 120.
I am back in the groove, and on my way to 120. That is goal. That is the weight I will begin transition at. I can't wait..oh, but wait, I HAVE to wait. I have to wait, and be patient, and let the hours turn into days turn into weeks turn into months turn into 14 months because that is how long it will take me to get to my goal. Goal-by-summer of 2010. I'll be back into my size 2 goal jeans that I was into in September of 07 and LOVING it. I will have lost half of me. Again. Now there's a story for PEOPLE, huh? Can't wait. Oh, wait, I HAVE to wait. But the journey will be a good one.
That's it, I'm going to my before/after pics on my blog to dream of the day I'm there. Again. =)
Posted Wednesday, Mar 25, 2009 5:25 PM by goalbysummer | 13 Comments [Edit Post]
On Pins and Needles
I'm a little bit on pins and needles today regarding whether or not we will be moving into our new house in 2 weeks. Our application is still in underwriting, and all should be good, but we thought to have heard yesterday or today and because of that the anticipation of knowing is paralyzing me. It's quite crazy. But there you have it.
On the Medifast front, things are going swimmingly well. Except for a minor glitch last night, I feel strong and capable, and have lost about 13 lbs in a week and a half. I'm optimistic that by the end of summer I will be a sliver of my formal self.
Our new house has a room for a home gym, and since we already have a bow-flex type machine, free weights, and an eliptical trainer I am super excited to be able to set up "shop" when we get in.
Time to go now.
Posted Wednesday, Jan 14, 2009 11:48 AM by goalbysummer | 3 Comments [Edit Post]
Happy Sunday.
Down 11 lbs in 1 week. I love that. Now if I can maintain a 3 lb loss per week from here on out I will be happy as a clam.
Posted Sunday, Jan 11, 2009 3:54 PM by goalbysummer | 8 Comments [Edit Post]
And it's a New Year.
Full of new opportunities. Full of the same opportunities, again!
On plan and have a plan and doing the plan.
Posted Sunday, Jan 4, 2009 10:56 PM by goalbysummer | 3 Comments [Edit Post]
God is smiling on us....
Having a wonderful day! I just made an awesome salad with cabbage, lime juice, lime zest, finely grated fresh ginger, etc. It was fabulous!
I am thrilled that my husband and I are on the Medifast Bandwagon again. It is time to get healthy.
I enjoy looking at my "after" pictures, the ones I took at or near goal, on my blog. I know that this is an indication that I am hopeful I will be there again, and am looking forward, instead of regretting I let myself gain the weight back, and looking backwards.
Lots of exciting things happening in my life right now. God is smiling on us.
Cheers to all, and praise to God.
Stacy
Posted Saturday, Dec 13, 2008 8:12 PM by goalbysummer | 5 Comments [Edit Post]
I love all the positive blogs!
Keep up the awesome blogs, people! I love reading them in the afternoon~ Keep it up.
I bought some posterpaper and have made myself an actual graph on which to record my progress for my downward spiral of weight loss. It helps me to see it on something other than the computer.
I have a trajectory of 2 lbs/week and 3 lbs/week, and as long as I'm within that trajectory I am going to feel like a huge success.
I have vowed to myself to be on plan 100% this time around, as I can really see how bites, licks and tastes affected my previous rate of weight loss the last time I did Medifast. For the first 4 months I was on plan and lost about 10-12 lbs/month, and after that I struggled to eke out 7 lbs/month, and that was with lots of exercise included.
So, this is an experiment for me. I am going to stay 100% and see if I can't maintain a 10 lbs/month weight loss. Let's go for it.
I think when I'm done I'll consider opening a Medifast franchise here in Arizona, if they allow that. My house is a live/work zoning, so I can set up my counseling office in my home gym upstairs. At the very least I'll be a health coach for TSFL.
Posted Thursday, Dec 11, 2008 4:50 PM by goalbysummer | 8 Comments [Edit Post]
Where I was, then I was, and where I will be again...
So here is a "before" pic, an "after" pic, and I guarantee I'll be there again.
Starting weight 266.5, "goal pic" weight 130. Now I'm 230. I want to be 125. Here I go.
Posted Wednesday, Dec 10, 2008 10:36 PM by goalbysummer | 4 Comments [Edit Post]
End of Day Three. All I can say is...WOW.
I am drinking my last MF shake, which comprises my last meal of the day. I was utterly successful today, yesterday, and Monday, meaning I have reached the end of "The Dreaded Three Days". Yay Me.
This evening I felt a moment where it seemed my cravings went away. It was a little eerie. It was actually a moment that I can point my finger at and say "oh my goodness, I don't feel deprived, I feel hopeful!"
So, yay me. I have a new goal weight, and will be on this program 100% until I get there, which is something I did not do the first time. The first time I did Medifast, I was on program for 4 months, then I dilly-dallied around. I still got to 128, don't get me wrong, from 266, which means I did do the work. But I settled for negotiating with myself to add little extras here and there. More than one person on this site will remember my "Sun-Butter Attacks". (sun butter is made from sunflower seeds, and was one of my downfalls/vices in my previous weight loss). This time I will be like RG. I will be 100%. I will be ruthless with my compliance. I have to be.
Thanks for being an inspiration, RG!
Posted Wednesday, Dec 10, 2008 10:04 PM by goalbysummer | 2 Comments [Edit Post]
4 meals down, 2 to go.
Just a quick note to say that today, day 3, has been hard but good. Good in that I decided it matters not how I feel, it only matters what I let pass through these lips of mine. It is like medicine. I will lose weight if I do the work. I'm ready to do the work. End of story. Beginning of story.
Posted Wednesday, Dec 10, 2008 6:39 PM by goalbysummer | 5 Comments [Edit Post]
Just had a fabulous lunch...
Seems like whenever I restart Medifast I have the temptation of doing the "complete Medifast" which excludes the lean and green. This type of Medifast is for use only under a Doctor's supervision, and of course I'm not going to do that so that is reason #1 not to do it. But I think it is important to recognize my desire to "restrict" my intake excessively, and to "punish" myself by punishing my body. I've decided not to do that. So, I intentionally make myself my lean and green and look at it as an act of love to myself. An act of taking care of myself in a practical way.
So, my lunch today was a beautiful stir-fry of shaved fennel, yellow squash, and tofu.
I sprayed a big pan with Pam, threw 1 1/2 cups of chopped fennel bulb, and 1/2 cup yellow squash. I added a splash of soy sauce, and let it cook until tender. I removed it from the pan, and put the tofu in, another splash of soy sauce, seared it, and cubed it in the pan. I then tossed it all together, and minced up a half clove of garlic to sprinkle on top. It was delicious. It was very filling, and I am very close to deciding to become a vegetarian. For some reason I'm sick of chicken, fish, beef, turkey, etc. I'm going to read the "Medifast for Vegetarians" portion of the program and see if I can make it work for me...hmmm.
Keep on keeping on, MFers! And drink your water!
Posted Wednesday, Nov 26, 2008 2:32 PM by goalbysummer | 2 Comments [Edit Post]
Good Wednesday.
Good Wednesday to you all. When I read the blogs first thing in the morning it helps me set the tone for my day On Plan. This morning I was particularly struck again by the fact that none of us are doing this in a vacuum. We can all support eachother. So let's lean on one another and get through the temptations, the self-doubt, the self-loathing, the thoughts of "why bother" or "I'm not worth it" or "I can't do it."
We can all do it.
Posted Wednesday, Nov 26, 2008 11:22 AM by goalbysummer | 3 Comments [Edit Post]
Down Five and Drinking My Water.
Down 5 and drinking my water. Down 5 and drinking my water. Gonna do it. Gonna do it.
Of course I choose the week before Thankgiving to restart my program. I am an overcomer of obstacles. I will do it.
I walked to Fresh and Easy today with my little man. It felt good to get out. I wore shorts. It meant I had to shave my legs, so I did that. Wow. This whole taking care of yourself thing is hard work. Hard hard work. But I'm convinced it is worth it.
Do you know what I'm looking forward to? I'm looking forward to waking up pain-free. I'm looking forward to weighing what my driver's license says I weigh. 128.
I will get there again. I guaran-****-tee it.
Posted Monday, Nov 24, 2008 4:56 PM by goalbysummer | 7 Comments [Edit Post]
Today is THE day.
This morning I woke up with pain in my back. As I walked down the hall I had the acute realization that I was no longer walking. I was lumbering. The difference between lumbering a walking, for me, is around 230 lbs. When I weigh less than 230 I walk. When I weigh more than 230 I lumber. It is a distinct difference in how I carry myself, and in the stress that is upon my knees. I feel like a cautionary tale. I feel like people can look at my story and say "but whatever you do, don't do what SHE did".
I restarted MF today. I have been watching with mortified wonder as the scale has gone up and up. When my mom died I weighed 150 at her memorial service. That was a "mere" 20 lbs over my goal. When I went a month later to Palo Alto to begin the wait for my son's kidney transplant I weighed 170. A "mere" 20 lbs over my "mere" 20 lbs over goal. When I returned from Palo Alto to Colorado I weighed 209. A "mere" 29 lbs over the "mere" 20 lbs over the "mere" 20 lbs over goal. This morning I weighed 233.
This morning I and my husband began MF again. It's all I can do. I feel it is the last effort I can muster before giving up completely.
So I begin my journey once again, stepping on the path I deviated from a year ago. Anyone want to join me? I've got size 18 jeans just calling my name, and I'll be happy when I can get into them without a struggle.
My new goals are to run a triathalon next summer, and to be able to run up Camelback Mountain (in Phoenix) without stopping. I used to do that, when I was in college. Every other day, just before I got married, I'd hit the mountain with my trusty dog Kenika. She was a white wolf/shephard mix. She was awesome.
I'm off.
Posted Saturday, Nov 22, 2008 11:21 AM by goalbysummer | 11 Comments [Edit Post]
Revised Goal: Lose 100 lbs.
My journey has been interesting. I am fully responsible for my failures but continue to strive to minimize them. So, I am here to say that I will lose 100 lbs and be DONE with this yo-yo-ing forever.
I have decided to read the Beck Diet Solution, and the Rules of Normal Eating, both books have been recommended to me by others. I am convinced that my biggest personal issue I must deal with is my issue with food.
Posted Saturday, Nov 15, 2008 12:27 PM by goalbysummer | 7 Comments [Edit Post]
So here I am, just crunching on my iceberg lettuce with a squeeze of key lime, and my "naked" grilled chicken with diced jalapeno. Pretty good lean and green if I do say so myself. I am blogging because this time around my lean and greens are hard to swallow. Literally. Don't know why, but they are my least FAVE part of the diet right now. Again, have no clue why. So I blog and I eat, and I will blog and eat my way through this lean and green so that my day will be as successful as I want it to be. Which is 100% successful.
I have ditched the Coke Zero, and for any of you who know me one iota know that is a BIG DEAL. I was an addict. I just decided over the weekend that addictions have no place in my life anymore. So I stopped. It seemed like the right thing for me to do at the time. I am doing well, it is my 4th day without diet soda or artificial sweeteners of any kind. I'm applauding myself.
I purchased a pair of size 5 Levi's from Costco tonight. I felt a thrill in that purchase akin to 2 years ago when I was assembling my goal closet...of size 2-6 clothing that I eventually fit in to! Now for motivation I go and stand in my closet and think...."I remember when I wore that...and that...and that...and I will do so again."
I'm giving myself one year, committing myself hard core for 12 months to get to my goal. For some reason 12 months sounds more doable than 14. Even though, realistically, it may take me 14 or 15 to get down to 120. But I have patience. And tenacity. And perseverance. And self discipline. And I will pull on all of it and the Lord's strength to boot to get me there. We are on our way.
Posted Tuesday, May 26, 2009 10:23 PM by goalbysummer | 6 Comments [Edit Post]
I am sure being tested this week!
I am being tested this week. I'm a daily weigher, and I have lost zero zip nada over the last 3 days. A plateau so early on? Well, I lost 8.5 lbs the first 3 days, so I 3 days of staying the same still gives me a net 8.5 lb loss for the week so far. Tomorrow I'll weigh again and mark it down as the final weight loss for my first week.
I've been 100% OP, and kept the condiments to a minimum. Mostly lean fish options and chicken breast for my lean, with the exception of lean steak today. Walking every morning, 2 miles. All my water in plus some. I'm doing the plan and I think my body, after 3 days, went "Whoa there nelly! I didn't gain 100 lbs in the last year to let you come in here and start losing it again!"
Well, to that I say TOUGH. I will lose it again. I have started to lose it again. I even began my goal-clothes routine yesterday which, I have to say, was v-e-r-y depressing. I was at Savers, and bought some denim Capri's in a size 20-stretch. They looked so large on the rack, I thought for SURE they would fit so at least I could have something besides sweats to wear right NOW. I also bought a pair of Levi's Low-ride 16 jeans. (Interrim Goal jeans) Well, I got home fully expecting the size 20 capri stretch pants to fit. And I could not even get them up over my well-apportioned buttocks. Wow, wow, and double wow. My body image is NOTHING even close to accurate. I see myself as smaller than I actually am right now. Self-protection? Perhaps. I'm sure I get glimpses of my actual size (like the capri incident) which make me sad...but I am , overall, very optimistic that I won't be here for long.
Is it hard? Yes. It pretty much is. Especially since it only comes off as fast as it came on. 8 lbs/month for me. But going down is better than going up. It has to be, and I have to do this. I have no choice. Well, I COULD curl up and die, but that wouldn't help anyone and I have no desire to do that. So it's onward and downward.
Posted Monday, Mar 30, 2009 5:32 PM by goalbysummer | 9 Comments [Edit Post]
And I can't believe I forgot the true intensity of...the TOXIC GUT.
I think the title says it all. Explaining further would come to no good.
Posted Sunday, Mar 29, 2009 1:55 PM by goalbysummer | 2 Comments [Edit Post]
Mini-Revelation...addicted!
Yes, people, yes, I AM addicted. I'll tell you what I am addicted to which I am breaking RIGHT NOW!! Having started and given up MF so many times this last year, and having made a committment this time to not give up no matter what, I find that here, on day 5 or 6 (I've lost count...it doesn't matter...) I am down and depressed. Why?!?!!?!? I lost half a pound between yesterday and today. So, why am I down and depressed? Because I lost 8 lbs in the first 3 days. Then I stopped losing for a day, now I'm down 1/2 a pound.
I am addicted to the glycogen drop! I'm addicted to that 5-8 lbs that comes off in the first 3-5 days of the program! It is obvious. And I missed it until today. But now I realize that I feel so awesome, amidst the crappiness of the first 3 days I still feel awesome that my body is shedding so much volume/weight that when that level of weight loss is not sustained I become disheartened.
Don't tell me, I know all the answers to this one theoretically...the head knowledge so to speak, that "the first three days are just the getting rid of the glycogen so your body can begin the real work of burning fat"....and "you would not WANT to lose 5 lbs every 3-5 days because that would be too hard on your body...loose skin...etc...unhealthy...etc." I know all this. And I agree with it all.
AND YET, psychologically there is that deflated feeling after the first 3-5 day initial loss upon starting the program again. I need to blog it out, to see it in print, to remind myself that if I stay addicted to the "weight loss high" of seeing those scale numbers go down in large amounts I will be disappointed and will risk throwing the baby out with the bath water.
No. I will not. Because I already determined that my feelings were not going to enter into it for the first 2 months. Feelings aside, cravings aside, I was making the DECISION not to go off program. And by sheer grit and determination, and asking the Lord to back up my CONSCIOUS DECISIONS with His supernatural strength, I will succeed.
There is an our part and a His part. I must decide to exercise self-control (it is a muscle, you know!), and once I turn my face to that direction and take just one step, the Lord comes in and gives me the strength to walk the rest of the steps away from the temptation. He will not rescue me from my temptation if I keep looking and longing and lingering. Eventually I will wear what defences I have down with my loitering around the temptation, and will succumb. He wants me to get the heck out of Dodge and, whether symbolically or actually, put the temptation out of my mind....get over it...get myself into a bubbly bath, go into another room, go throw myself on my bed with my pillow over my head...WHATEVER that looks like for me to practically move myself away from the temptation...and viola, He replaces those yearnings that seemed so overpowering with His peace. But it takes a few minutes, at the very least. And sometimes it takes me putting that half gallon of ice-cream in the sink with the lid off and water running.
Here's a tip to anyone who happens to be reading this. If you've got a plate of "X" or leftovers of "Y" and you are finding yourself attracted to it, run to the sink and throw it in there with the water running. I guarantee that "X" or "Y" will present itself as much less attractive to you when it is covered with water. And it will be unedible, as opposed to placing it in the trash, where it can still issue it's siren call to you. Yes, I have retrieved items from the trash before to indulge. If I put 1/4 of a costco carrot cake, still in it's box, in the kitchen trash can, I have been known to go scavenging later on. The alternative to that is putting it in the OUTDOOR trash bin, the one that gets collected ever week. If it is in THERE, it is guaranteed I will leave it alone. The water trick works will with the costco cakes also though, I have found.
So, tips for survival. Is that XXXXXX a temptation to you? Run water over it OR put it in the OUTDOOR trash bin. Or both. Guaranteed you won't be picking at it later. ESPECIALLY if the outdoor bin was empty when you threw it in there, upsidedown? Heh. I've thought of all the angles here, folks. And you know the best part? You don't even have to have mental buy-in or agreement to do this. You just do it without thinking. If you are IN the moment, and craving the THING, you are NOT going to get mental-buy in to go run it under the faucet. In fact, you have to do it so fast so as to shock your brain so to speak. If your brain gets wind that you are doing it, it gives it more time to give you all the reasons why you shouldn't run water over the temptation. "What a waste!" It will say..."You don't have to do THAT, that is CRAZY!" It will whine. It will plead. It will cajole. It will tell you you can handle it, you can be good. But DON'T believe it. Your brain has entered the bargaining stage of grief over the item you are about to render inedible. Just DO it. You will thank yourself later. You will also find something pleasantly surprising. Once you destroy the item and render it inedibly, the tension, the pressure you were feeling to give in and have some disappears! It disappears just as soon as you render it inedible!
I have really gone off on a tangent on this one, but I was just remembering some of my past temptations and what I have done. Especially when everything in my rapidly-shrinking-body screamed for that taste of this or that bite of that.
Hope this helps someone. It helped me to remember.
Posted Sunday, Mar 29, 2009 12:56 PM by goalbysummer | 4 Comments [Edit Post]
Morning sunrise
So I was able to get up this morning at (croak, groan...) 6:30 and go for my walk. I've decided it has to be mornings, or else I will risk not getting the walk in, and since I've determined it to be so vital to my success I must make time at one end of the day or the other.
I was glad I did. It was a beautiful sunrise, and I cannot tell you when the last time I saw a sunrise was. It was wonderful.
Well I'm off, I'm cleaning the house and getting ready for an afternoon BBQ with some good friends.
Take care!
Posted Saturday, Mar 28, 2009 12:18 PM by goalbysummer | 5 Comments [Edit Post]
One More Meal Ends Day 4
I have one more meal to go and it will be chocolate pudding. I did go on my 2 mile walk today, as I have done every day this week. Did I feel like it? I don't know, it didn't matter. I just did it. My mahi-mahi and salad was wonderful tonight. I had 2 shakes, 1 cream of broccoli soup, and 1 puddings so far.
Good times, good times. A few headaches and nausea over the last few days, but just bore with it, and took some tylenol.
So, can't wait. 4 days down, 396 to go.
Posted Friday, Mar 27, 2009 11:19 PM by goalbysummer | 5 Comments [Edit Post]
A great 3 days done and onto the 4th
So here I am, day 4. The verdict after 3 days was a loss of 8.5 lbs. I'll take it. Yippee. Here is how I will accomplish my goal in the next year:
1) I will stay 100% OP
2) I will walk or run 2 miles per day, rain or shine, feel like it or not.
3) I will find my goal jeans and line them up so I can once again track my progress from a 26W to a 2 Petite.
4) I will blog and read/comment on other people's blogs
5) I will track my food
6) I will keep the condiments to a minimum
7) I will drink my water every day. No exceptions. Not if I feel like it, I WILL DO IT.
8) I will remember that the weeks I am not losing on the scale I am losing inches.
9) I will do this.
If I can do it for 3 days, I can do it for 30 days, and I can do it for 300 days. I will do it for as long as it takes. As Renee Zellwegger said once "It's only about how much you care. The rest is just math". Math. 5 and 1 math. 2 miles a day math. 8 glasses of water math. And that is it.
It don't matta how I feel. But now that I mention it, I'll let you know how I feel. Just before re-starting 3 days ago, I felt fat. I felt worthless. I felt like a failure. I felt my knees aching. I felt my spine being compressed again (I gained an inch in height doing the MF program last time...I can feel it compressed again). I felt like a waddling chicken. SO!!! I have suspended "feeling" for the next few months, because I KNOW all of those things will be changed as I lose the weight.
Some of you may be asking how I allowed myself to gain 124 of the 136 lbs I lost the first time back again. Many of you don't know my story. For the newbies I will sum up and try not to sound super pathetic doing it. Mind you I'm not fishing for sympathy, not at all, I am just stating the facts of the last year.
1) I did not transition. I hit my goal weight of 130 in September of 07, ran a half marathon, and immediately found out after that I was pregnant. MF does not allow you to even be on transition when you are pregnant, so I adhered to the policy and tried eating healthy.
2) My then 3-year-old son (he is 4 now) had a peritoneal dialysis catheter surgically installed in November 07 in order to begin dialysis, as his kidney function dipped under 10%.
3) I suffered a miscarriage in December 07
4) My son's PD catheter failed in December 07
5) We moved to another state in March 08
6) My mom died after an 8 year battle with cancer in March 08
7) We relocated temporarily to the Ronald McDonald House at Stanford in Palo Alto in order for my son to begin hemodialysis and receive a kidney transplant.
8) My son received a kidney transplant (praise God!) and we remained in Palo Alto for 100 days post-transplant
9) My dad got remarried
10) We moved back to Arizona
11) My husband lost his job, he had been commuting for a YEAR to another state for work..so it was actually a blessing that he can now seek work here in Arizona full time.
My son Julian is doing great, which is the main reason I can begin to focus on myself again. The stress of the last year + and the constant eating out in Palo Alto caused me to balloon back to 254.5 lbs. (That .5 is important because I am such a literalist).
My husband and I are now settled into our new house, our son is doing great, and we are doing MF together.
So, here I go. I took before pics yesterday, and will post them in a few months when I have some interrim pics to post along with them.
I am committed. I will do this. I have to do this.
Posted Friday, Mar 27, 2009 3:37 PM by goalbysummer | 9 Comments [Edit Post]
Back in the groove...and on my way to 120.
I am back in the groove, and on my way to 120. That is goal. That is the weight I will begin transition at. I can't wait..oh, but wait, I HAVE to wait. I have to wait, and be patient, and let the hours turn into days turn into weeks turn into months turn into 14 months because that is how long it will take me to get to my goal. Goal-by-summer of 2010. I'll be back into my size 2 goal jeans that I was into in September of 07 and LOVING it. I will have lost half of me. Again. Now there's a story for PEOPLE, huh? Can't wait. Oh, wait, I HAVE to wait. But the journey will be a good one.
That's it, I'm going to my before/after pics on my blog to dream of the day I'm there. Again. =)
Posted Wednesday, Mar 25, 2009 5:25 PM by goalbysummer | 13 Comments [Edit Post]
On Pins and Needles
I'm a little bit on pins and needles today regarding whether or not we will be moving into our new house in 2 weeks. Our application is still in underwriting, and all should be good, but we thought to have heard yesterday or today and because of that the anticipation of knowing is paralyzing me. It's quite crazy. But there you have it.
On the Medifast front, things are going swimmingly well. Except for a minor glitch last night, I feel strong and capable, and have lost about 13 lbs in a week and a half. I'm optimistic that by the end of summer I will be a sliver of my formal self.
Our new house has a room for a home gym, and since we already have a bow-flex type machine, free weights, and an eliptical trainer I am super excited to be able to set up "shop" when we get in.
Time to go now.
Posted Wednesday, Jan 14, 2009 11:48 AM by goalbysummer | 3 Comments [Edit Post]
Happy Sunday.
Down 11 lbs in 1 week. I love that. Now if I can maintain a 3 lb loss per week from here on out I will be happy as a clam.
Posted Sunday, Jan 11, 2009 3:54 PM by goalbysummer | 8 Comments [Edit Post]
And it's a New Year.
Full of new opportunities. Full of the same opportunities, again!
On plan and have a plan and doing the plan.
Posted Sunday, Jan 4, 2009 10:56 PM by goalbysummer | 3 Comments [Edit Post]
God is smiling on us....
Having a wonderful day! I just made an awesome salad with cabbage, lime juice, lime zest, finely grated fresh ginger, etc. It was fabulous!
I am thrilled that my husband and I are on the Medifast Bandwagon again. It is time to get healthy.
I enjoy looking at my "after" pictures, the ones I took at or near goal, on my blog. I know that this is an indication that I am hopeful I will be there again, and am looking forward, instead of regretting I let myself gain the weight back, and looking backwards.
Lots of exciting things happening in my life right now. God is smiling on us.
Cheers to all, and praise to God.
Stacy
Posted Saturday, Dec 13, 2008 8:12 PM by goalbysummer | 5 Comments [Edit Post]
I love all the positive blogs!
Keep up the awesome blogs, people! I love reading them in the afternoon~ Keep it up.
I bought some posterpaper and have made myself an actual graph on which to record my progress for my downward spiral of weight loss. It helps me to see it on something other than the computer.
I have a trajectory of 2 lbs/week and 3 lbs/week, and as long as I'm within that trajectory I am going to feel like a huge success.
I have vowed to myself to be on plan 100% this time around, as I can really see how bites, licks and tastes affected my previous rate of weight loss the last time I did Medifast. For the first 4 months I was on plan and lost about 10-12 lbs/month, and after that I struggled to eke out 7 lbs/month, and that was with lots of exercise included.
So, this is an experiment for me. I am going to stay 100% and see if I can't maintain a 10 lbs/month weight loss. Let's go for it.
I think when I'm done I'll consider opening a Medifast franchise here in Arizona, if they allow that. My house is a live/work zoning, so I can set up my counseling office in my home gym upstairs. At the very least I'll be a health coach for TSFL.
Posted Thursday, Dec 11, 2008 4:50 PM by goalbysummer | 8 Comments [Edit Post]
Where I was, then I was, and where I will be again...
So here is a "before" pic, an "after" pic, and I guarantee I'll be there again.
Starting weight 266.5, "goal pic" weight 130. Now I'm 230. I want to be 125. Here I go.
Posted Wednesday, Dec 10, 2008 10:36 PM by goalbysummer | 4 Comments [Edit Post]
End of Day Three. All I can say is...WOW.
I am drinking my last MF shake, which comprises my last meal of the day. I was utterly successful today, yesterday, and Monday, meaning I have reached the end of "The Dreaded Three Days". Yay Me.
This evening I felt a moment where it seemed my cravings went away. It was a little eerie. It was actually a moment that I can point my finger at and say "oh my goodness, I don't feel deprived, I feel hopeful!"
So, yay me. I have a new goal weight, and will be on this program 100% until I get there, which is something I did not do the first time. The first time I did Medifast, I was on program for 4 months, then I dilly-dallied around. I still got to 128, don't get me wrong, from 266, which means I did do the work. But I settled for negotiating with myself to add little extras here and there. More than one person on this site will remember my "Sun-Butter Attacks". (sun butter is made from sunflower seeds, and was one of my downfalls/vices in my previous weight loss). This time I will be like RG. I will be 100%. I will be ruthless with my compliance. I have to be.
Thanks for being an inspiration, RG!
Posted Wednesday, Dec 10, 2008 10:04 PM by goalbysummer | 2 Comments [Edit Post]
4 meals down, 2 to go.
Just a quick note to say that today, day 3, has been hard but good. Good in that I decided it matters not how I feel, it only matters what I let pass through these lips of mine. It is like medicine. I will lose weight if I do the work. I'm ready to do the work. End of story. Beginning of story.
Posted Wednesday, Dec 10, 2008 6:39 PM by goalbysummer | 5 Comments [Edit Post]
Just had a fabulous lunch...
Seems like whenever I restart Medifast I have the temptation of doing the "complete Medifast" which excludes the lean and green. This type of Medifast is for use only under a Doctor's supervision, and of course I'm not going to do that so that is reason #1 not to do it. But I think it is important to recognize my desire to "restrict" my intake excessively, and to "punish" myself by punishing my body. I've decided not to do that. So, I intentionally make myself my lean and green and look at it as an act of love to myself. An act of taking care of myself in a practical way.
So, my lunch today was a beautiful stir-fry of shaved fennel, yellow squash, and tofu.
I sprayed a big pan with Pam, threw 1 1/2 cups of chopped fennel bulb, and 1/2 cup yellow squash. I added a splash of soy sauce, and let it cook until tender. I removed it from the pan, and put the tofu in, another splash of soy sauce, seared it, and cubed it in the pan. I then tossed it all together, and minced up a half clove of garlic to sprinkle on top. It was delicious. It was very filling, and I am very close to deciding to become a vegetarian. For some reason I'm sick of chicken, fish, beef, turkey, etc. I'm going to read the "Medifast for Vegetarians" portion of the program and see if I can make it work for me...hmmm.
Keep on keeping on, MFers! And drink your water!
Posted Wednesday, Nov 26, 2008 2:32 PM by goalbysummer | 2 Comments [Edit Post]
Good Wednesday.
Good Wednesday to you all. When I read the blogs first thing in the morning it helps me set the tone for my day On Plan. This morning I was particularly struck again by the fact that none of us are doing this in a vacuum. We can all support eachother. So let's lean on one another and get through the temptations, the self-doubt, the self-loathing, the thoughts of "why bother" or "I'm not worth it" or "I can't do it."
We can all do it.
Posted Wednesday, Nov 26, 2008 11:22 AM by goalbysummer | 3 Comments [Edit Post]
Down Five and Drinking My Water.
Down 5 and drinking my water. Down 5 and drinking my water. Gonna do it. Gonna do it.
Of course I choose the week before Thankgiving to restart my program. I am an overcomer of obstacles. I will do it.
I walked to Fresh and Easy today with my little man. It felt good to get out. I wore shorts. It meant I had to shave my legs, so I did that. Wow. This whole taking care of yourself thing is hard work. Hard hard work. But I'm convinced it is worth it.
Do you know what I'm looking forward to? I'm looking forward to waking up pain-free. I'm looking forward to weighing what my driver's license says I weigh. 128.
I will get there again. I guaran-****-tee it.
Posted Monday, Nov 24, 2008 4:56 PM by goalbysummer | 7 Comments [Edit Post]
Today is THE day.
This morning I woke up with pain in my back. As I walked down the hall I had the acute realization that I was no longer walking. I was lumbering. The difference between lumbering a walking, for me, is around 230 lbs. When I weigh less than 230 I walk. When I weigh more than 230 I lumber. It is a distinct difference in how I carry myself, and in the stress that is upon my knees. I feel like a cautionary tale. I feel like people can look at my story and say "but whatever you do, don't do what SHE did".
I restarted MF today. I have been watching with mortified wonder as the scale has gone up and up. When my mom died I weighed 150 at her memorial service. That was a "mere" 20 lbs over my goal. When I went a month later to Palo Alto to begin the wait for my son's kidney transplant I weighed 170. A "mere" 20 lbs over my "mere" 20 lbs over goal. When I returned from Palo Alto to Colorado I weighed 209. A "mere" 29 lbs over the "mere" 20 lbs over the "mere" 20 lbs over goal. This morning I weighed 233.
This morning I and my husband began MF again. It's all I can do. I feel it is the last effort I can muster before giving up completely.
So I begin my journey once again, stepping on the path I deviated from a year ago. Anyone want to join me? I've got size 18 jeans just calling my name, and I'll be happy when I can get into them without a struggle.
My new goals are to run a triathalon next summer, and to be able to run up Camelback Mountain (in Phoenix) without stopping. I used to do that, when I was in college. Every other day, just before I got married, I'd hit the mountain with my trusty dog Kenika. She was a white wolf/shephard mix. She was awesome.
I'm off.
Posted Saturday, Nov 22, 2008 11:21 AM by goalbysummer | 11 Comments [Edit Post]
Revised Goal: Lose 100 lbs.
My journey has been interesting. I am fully responsible for my failures but continue to strive to minimize them. So, I am here to say that I will lose 100 lbs and be DONE with this yo-yo-ing forever.
I have decided to read the Beck Diet Solution, and the Rules of Normal Eating, both books have been recommended to me by others. I am convinced that my biggest personal issue I must deal with is my issue with food.
Posted Saturday, Nov 15, 2008 12:27 PM by goalbysummer | 7 Comments [Edit Post]
Oct 1008-Jan 2009
And it's a New Year.
Full of new opportunities. Full of the same opportunities, again!
On plan and have a plan and doing the plan.
Posted Sunday, Jan 4, 2009 10:56 PM by goalbysummer | 3 Comments [Edit Post]
God is smiling on us....
Having a wonderful day! I just made an awesome salad with cabbage, lime juice, lime zest, finely grated fresh ginger, etc. It was fabulous!
I am thrilled that my husband and I are on the Medifast Bandwagon again. It is time to get healthy.
I enjoy looking at my "after" pictures, the ones I took at or near goal, on my blog. I know that this is an indication that I am hopeful I will be there again, and am looking forward, instead of regretting I let myself gain the weight back, and looking backwards.
Lots of exciting things happening in my life right now. God is smiling on us.
Cheers to all, and praise to God.
Stacy
Posted Saturday, Dec 13, 2008 8:12 PM by goalbysummer | 5 Comments [Edit Post]
I love all the positive blogs!
Keep up the awesome blogs, people! I love reading them in the afternoon~ Keep it up.
I bought some posterpaper and have made myself an actual graph on which to record my progress for my downward spiral of weight loss. It helps me to see it on something other than the computer.
I have a trajectory of 2 lbs/week and 3 lbs/week, and as long as I'm within that trajectory I am going to feel like a huge success.
I have vowed to myself to be on plan 100% this time around, as I can really see how bites, licks and tastes affected my previous rate of weight loss the last time I did Medifast. For the first 4 months I was on plan and lost about 10-12 lbs/month, and after that I struggled to eke out 7 lbs/month, and that was with lots of exercise included.
So, this is an experiment for me. I am going to stay 100% and see if I can't maintain a 10 lbs/month weight loss. Let's go for it.
I think when I'm done I'll consider opening a Medifast franchise here in Arizona, if they allow that. My house is a live/work zoning, so I can set up my counseling office in my home gym upstairs. At the very least I'll be a health coach for TSFL.
Posted Thursday, Dec 11, 2008 4:50 PM by goalbysummer | 8 Comments [Edit Post]
Where I was, then I was, and where I will be again...
So here is a "before" pic, an "after" pic, and I guarantee I'll be there again.
Starting weight 266.5, "goal pic" weight 130. Now I'm 230. I want to be 125. Here I go.
Posted Wednesday, Dec 10, 2008 10:36 PM by goalbysummer | 4 Comments [Edit Post]
End of Day Three. All I can say is...WOW.
I am drinking my last MF shake, which comprises my last meal of the day. I was utterly successful today, yesterday, and Monday, meaning I have reached the end of "The Dreaded Three Days". Yay Me.
This evening I felt a moment where it seemed my cravings went away. It was a little eerie. It was actually a moment that I can point my finger at and say "oh my goodness, I don't feel deprived, I feel hopeful!"
So, yay me. I have a new goal weight, and will be on this program 100% until I get there, which is something I did not do the first time. The first time I did Medifast, I was on program for 4 months, then I dilly-dallied around. I still got to 128, don't get me wrong, from 266, which means I did do the work. But I settled for negotiating with myself to add little extras here and there. More than one person on this site will remember my "Sun-Butter Attacks". (sun butter is made from sunflower seeds, and was one of my downfalls/vices in my previous weight loss). This time I will be like RG. I will be 100%. I will be ruthless with my compliance. I have to be.
Thanks for being an inspiration, RG!
Posted Wednesday, Dec 10, 2008 10:04 PM by goalbysummer | 2 Comments [Edit Post]
4 meals down, 2 to go.
Just a quick note to say that today, day 3, has been hard but good. Good in that I decided it matters not how I feel, it only matters what I let pass through these lips of mine. It is like medicine. I will lose weight if I do the work. I'm ready to do the work. End of story. Beginning of story.
Posted Wednesday, Dec 10, 2008 6:39 PM by goalbysummer | 5 Comments [Edit Post]
Just had a fabulous lunch...
Seems like whenever I restart Medifast I have the temptation of doing the "complete Medifast" which excludes the lean and green. This type of Medifast is for use only under a Doctor's supervision, and of course I'm not going to do that so that is reason #1 not to do it. But I think it is important to recognize my desire to "restrict" my intake excessively, and to "punish" myself by punishing my body. I've decided not to do that. So, I intentionally make myself my lean and green and look at it as an act of love to myself. An act of taking care of myself in a practical way.
So, my lunch today was a beautiful stir-fry of shaved fennel, yellow squash, and tofu.
I sprayed a big pan with Pam, threw 1 1/2 cups of chopped fennel bulb, and 1/2 cup yellow squash. I added a splash of soy sauce, and let it cook until tender. I removed it from the pan, and put the tofu in, another splash of soy sauce, seared it, and cubed it in the pan. I then tossed it all together, and minced up a half clove of garlic to sprinkle on top. It was delicious. It was very filling, and I am very close to deciding to become a vegetarian. For some reason I'm sick of chicken, fish, beef, turkey, etc. I'm going to read the "Medifast for Vegetarians" portion of the program and see if I can make it work for me...hmmm.
Keep on keeping on, MFers! And drink your water!
Posted Wednesday, Nov 26, 2008 2:32 PM by goalbysummer | 2 Comments [Edit Post]
Good Wednesday.
Good Wednesday to you all. When I read the blogs first thing in the morning it helps me set the tone for my day On Plan. This morning I was particularly struck again by the fact that none of us are doing this in a vacuum. We can all support eachother. So let's lean on one another and get through the temptations, the self-doubt, the self-loathing, the thoughts of "why bother" or "I'm not worth it" or "I can't do it."
We can all do it.
Posted Wednesday, Nov 26, 2008 11:22 AM by goalbysummer | 3 Comments [Edit Post]
Down Five and Drinking My Water.
Down 5 and drinking my water. Down 5 and drinking my water. Gonna do it. Gonna do it.
Of course I choose the week before Thankgiving to restart my program. I am an overcomer of obstacles. I will do it.
I walked to Fresh and Easy today with my little man. It felt good to get out. I wore shorts. It meant I had to shave my legs, so I did that. Wow. This whole taking care of yourself thing is hard work. Hard hard work. But I'm convinced it is worth it.
Do you know what I'm looking forward to? I'm looking forward to waking up pain-free. I'm looking forward to weighing what my driver's license says I weigh. 128.
I will get there again. I guaran-****-tee it.
Posted Monday, Nov 24, 2008 4:56 PM by goalbysummer | 7 Comments [Edit Post]
Today is THE day.
This morning I woke up with pain in my back. As I walked down the hall I had the acute realization that I was no longer walking. I was lumbering. The difference between lumbering a walking, for me, is around 230 lbs. When I weigh less than 230 I walk. When I weigh more than 230 I lumber. It is a distinct difference in how I carry myself, and in the stress that is upon my knees. I feel like a cautionary tale. I feel like people can look at my story and say "but whatever you do, don't do what SHE did".
I restarted MF today. I have been watching with mortified wonder as the scale has gone up and up. When my mom died I weighed 150 at her memorial service. That was a "mere" 20 lbs over my goal. When I went a month later to Palo Alto to begin the wait for my son's kidney transplant I weighed 170. A "mere" 20 lbs over my "mere" 20 lbs over goal. When I returned from Palo Alto to Colorado I weighed 209. A "mere" 29 lbs over the "mere" 20 lbs over the "mere" 20 lbs over goal. This morning I weighed 233.
This morning I and my husband began MF again. It's all I can do. I feel it is the last effort I can muster before giving up completely.
So I begin my journey once again, stepping on the path I deviated from a year ago. Anyone want to join me? I've got size 18 jeans just calling my name, and I'll be happy when I can get into them without a struggle.
My new goals are to run a triathalon next summer, and to be able to run up Camelback Mountain (in Phoenix) without stopping. I used to do that, when I was in college. Every other day, just before I got married, I'd hit the mountain with my trusty dog Kenika. She was a white wolf/shephard mix. She was awesome.
I'm off.
Posted Saturday, Nov 22, 2008 11:21 AM by goalbysummer | 11 Comments [Edit Post]
Revised Goal: Lose 100 lbs.
My journey has been interesting. I am fully responsible for my failures but continue to strive to minimize them. So, I am here to say that I will lose 100 lbs and be DONE with this yo-yo-ing forever.
I have decided to read the Beck Diet Solution, and the Rules of Normal Eating, both books have been recommended to me by others. I am convinced that my biggest personal issue I must deal with is my issue with food.
Posted Saturday, Nov 15, 2008 12:27 PM by goalbysummer | 7 Comments [Edit Post]
Day 7.
I'm on to day 7, and I already have 1 Liter of water in me. I'm happy about that. It is beautiful today and I plan on going for a long walk with my son. It is supposed to be an "Indian Summer" today, tomorrow, and through the weekend.
Having no scale is making it quite an interesting journey for me. I used to jump on the scale every morning right after I peed, and that worked really well for me. But then the scale beat me up on the way back up. It stared me down, and made me feel super bad. I'm still smarting from the mental abuse =)
So I am trying to do some, if not all, of this journey without the scale. I am trying to use my clothes as a guide. Right now I hate what I look like in the mirror. But I just have to keep on believing and having faith that this program works so long as I am working it. I have to remain rooted to the fact, the FACT that I am shrinking every day as I have my lean and green, eat my 5 MF meals, and stay true to the MF program.
As I get closer to my goal I may seek some professional counseling to try to understand what my triggers are a little better than I do. I can throw out a blanket "stress" and that covers just about everything. How about "fear"? I can see that, I can see how my fear of gaining the weight back looms over me and turns into a self-fulfilling prophecy, somewhat like a believe that "well, if I'm going to gain the weight back anyway I might as well get on with it, get it over with, so I can eat what I want on the other end and already BE large and feel worthless".
I'm back from our glorious walk, I am waiting for those exercise endorphins to kick in, and am eating my MF chicken noodle soup, and tofu. I'll have my "green" for dinner. Oh, excuse me, my SON is assisting me with the Tofu..had to go make some more! He loves tofu.
Ok, just another day, just another blog. Just another thread in the tapestry of my re-re-invention that I am weaving here. Take care, all.
Posted Thursday, Oct 16, 2008 12:36 PM by goalbysummer | 3 Comments [Edit Post]
Day 6 almost done...
And I'm about to go for a run/walk. My ketosis is in full swing. Had the sweet taste in my mouth this afternoon. I haven't weighed yet, I'm kind of excited for the challenge of NOT weighing for a good long time.
Staying on program is paramount. Staying on program is my goal. I will stay on program and wear my goal jeans next weekend. I got my size 14 jeans at the Levi Store last Friday, and I couldn't even get them over my hips in the dressing room. Yesterday I got them up over my hips and BUTTONED!
I love this program. I feel myself shrinking. This weekend I'll go and get my size 10 jeans. In a few weeks I'll be pulling THEM up over my hips, and in a few weeks after that I will be buttoning THEM. Then it's the size 6's. And that is how it goes.
Alright, I just returned from my walk/run. And I'm drinking my cup of tea with splenda, no creamer, and updating my blog. I have to keep telling myself I am in self-imposed recovery from my possible eating disorder. It's not a clinical, diagnosed eating disorder, but, like most people doing the MF program, I love food too much. I love it more than I love myself, and that is what needs changing. I am committed to changing that.
Tonight I will go back and read some of my old blogs. You may find them helpful as well. But I won't presume.
Posted Wednesday, Oct 15, 2008 7:49 PM by goalbysummer | 3 Comments [Edit Post]
On to day 6.
Got through day 5, and I'm on to day 6. Had my water last night. Went to bed. Two meals down today, three meals and a lean and green to go. Julian has the sniffles, I don't know if it is allergies or a cold. I did go out to see a friend yesterday, and she has an 8 month old baby, I just pray Julian didn't get anything the baby may have been carrying.
I think it just means that I can't see any people who have kids, or expose Julian to anyone like that. There are a couple of viruses he just can't get, or his risk of other diseases gets higher. At least in the first year.
Posted Wednesday, Oct 15, 2008 12:33 PM by goalbysummer | 1 Comments [Edit Post]
Facing my food demons...and keeping my butt planted firmly on the couch.
I have thought about going off program today. I told a friend of mine, who started a different diet a few days ago, that I was so hungry I could eat the walls. But I'm sitting on the couch where I have banished myself until I am convinced I have the strength to go downstairs to bed and wake up in the morning to my 6th day OP.
I am blogging this because the emotions, the feelings, the struggle, is real. There are real Rice Chex in the cupboard. I developed quite a taste for those while at the Ronald McDonald House in Palo Alto. Then UNWRAPPED had a sinful segment about American Brownies that made me want to order a box of 12 and eat them all. Wicked, wicked show.
Of course I did not. Of course I still sit here, getting so bone dog tired. Blogging to help keep my resolve to go to the kitchen for a glass of ice water and then head downstairs.
Pirates of the Carribean at Worlds End has been my companion as I ponder the complexities of dealing with my emotions. I love Johnny Dep. I have to say he's my MovieStar Boyfriend. Ha!
Ok, I know that I am strong enough to make it downstairs without any bites, licks, or tastes, and definitely no extra bar. So I'm off. I've been incredibly thirsty these last 2 days, and have been drinking a ton of extra water. Must be in Ketosis now.
Take care all my MF friends.
Posted Wednesday, Oct 15, 2008 1:04 AM by goalbysummer | 5 Comments [Edit Post]
Having the second cup black.
Today is day 5. I have been on the Medifast program 100% now for 4 full days. If I keep lining up these days in a neat little row, I will soon be at my goal. One morning I will wake up and it will be a day just like any other day...except I will be at my goal.
Stop and think, in your own situation, what would you not give, what would you not sacrifice, to wake up one of these mornings and be...at your never-before-imagined-you-could-be-at GOAL WEIGHT?!?!?!
Now, if that list includes just about everything, then do it. Sacrifice all of that today. Or, wait, just sacrifice your cravings and temptations. That is easy enough. Sacrifice your ability to eat whatever you want whenever you want. That is all you need to do. To stay on Plan. You know how, the day is young. If you've started out on MF today, just make your next meal a MF one. Then repeat. Then repeat. And soon you, too, will be near or at your goal. Unless you sabatoge yourself.
My goal today is to go for a walk with my sweet boy, stay on program, and wake up tomorrow to repeat.
And I will have my second cup of coffee black.
Posted Tuesday, Oct 14, 2008 12:15 PM by goalbysummer | 2 Comments [Edit Post]
Took My Own Advice Today
In the spirit of putting my money where my mouth is, I took my own advice today. I went and shelled out $16.11 at the Levi's Store in Boulder to buy a pair of goal (little "g", as it isn't my goal-weight) jeans.
When I went looking for jeans last week, ANYTHING I could wear instead of my sweat-pants, I broke down and bought a pair of 18W jeans from Walmart. My heart sank that I was "back" in 18's. But today I bought a pair of 14's, in the "552" style of jean from the "regular" Levi's store.
I have always been an advocate of goal clothing. Buying a size or two smaller than where you are at present so that you can have a concrete "other than the scale" reference point to monitor your progress.
When I "did it before" I started at a size 26 and "goal jeaned" my way down to a size 2. I was most comfortable in my 4's.
Instead of dwell on the past and make myself feel horrible for "having" to buy size 14 "goal jeans" again, I decided to pretend it's a brand new experience. These size 14's are my best friends right now, and I WILL fit into them in a few short weeks. I am determined.
Goal clothing allow your mind to break the "I can't" barrier. They allow you to do something concrete (other than staying on MF which I also advocate!) to help you along, to tell your inner-voice that you ARE committed, that you DO believe you will get there.
I have found that even if my inner voice is skeptical, the moment I lay down that debit card for the purchase it is like throwing down the gauntlet. It is a self-challenge, and I am always up for a challenge. I thrive on challenges. I thrive to overcome them and move on to the next one.
So. I visited my familiar haunt of the Levi's Store and layed down the gauntlet. I'm just glad the gauntlet was on sale. I can't bear to pay $30-$60 for jeans I won't be in for long......heh heh heh.
And the day those size 14's fit I'm gonna buy me some size 10's. I'll wear the 14's until I can fit into the 10's. That's just how it's going to be.
I also made another purchase today, I bought a small coffee cup. Since most of my belongings are in Arizona I didn't have my "just the right size" coffee cup for my morning cuppa Joe. I just have a few mammoth coffee cups that always make me feel deprived because I can't put in more than 2 TBSP half and half. (Is half and half still "allowed?" ... It is in my book if it's not technically allowed on MF. I got to my goal before using half and half..)
My coffee has to be the appropriate camel color in order for me to fully enjoy it, and only using 2 TBSP of half and half limits the amount of coffee I can put in the mug. So, I have an appropriate size mug now, which is about a 4-6 ounce mug. Yay.
Just had to have that.
Posted Monday, Oct 13, 2008 6:57 PM by goalbysummer | 5 Comments [Edit Post]
"I deserve this piece of ..... (fill in the blank)...because....
I've worked hard. I've had a tough day. I have cravings. I've been good in my diet. ERGO: I deserve this piece of...halloween candy, chocolate bar, cheesecake, granola bar, chocolate chip cookie, sushi (my particular weakness), etc.
Let's change the wording of this a bit to reflect the reality of what we are saying:
"I deserve to sabatoge myself and undo all the progress I've made because I actually haven't learned to love myself yet and therefore will do all I can to ensure my own unhappiness and ultimate destruction."
No matter what we try to tell ourselves in the moment of temptation, ultimately the message we are sending ourselves when we cave to the food demons is that we are unworthy to be happy. That we are the lowest of low creatures who aren't worth a second glance. Call it years of conditioning. Call it a coping mechanism to insulate us from the realities and hardships of life. In fact, the failure to do what we know is right actually adds to our stress, adds to our hardships.
I know. I've seen both ends. Many of us have. Many of us have lost weight only to regain it again. And feel like failures. And think "self, I told you so, I knew you couldn't do it, I knew you couldn't keep it off...why even try again."
I'm facing up to that bold faced lie. The truth is that I CAN do it, I have proven that. The truth is that anyone CAN do it. Anyone CAN lose the weight, and more importantly or equally as important, anyone CAN keep it off. It comes down to choices. Some of us lost our way in the choices category. Well, it doesn't mean we have to keep it that way, to keep wallowing in the mud as I call it. We can lift ourselves out and determine the quality of our own lives.
We can hate it, hate ourselves, or we can love it and love ourselves.
I choose the latter.
Posted Monday, Oct 13, 2008 12:14 PM by goalbysummer | 4 Comments [Edit Post]
Day Three Done.
I threw my husband under the bus. I encouraged him to have some of Julian's chocolate birthday cupcakes with chocolate icing. And we are supposed to be doing this together. I feel a little wicked. But it WAS his choice. Poor guy, he has to go through the three days again.
I went for a walk/run this afternoon, it was good to get out in the blustery chilly day. Being outdoors invigorates me.
I'm pretty sure I've lost this weekend. It was a good weekend and it was a hard weekend.
Posted Sunday, Oct 12, 2008 10:29 PM by goalbysummer | 4 Comments [Edit Post]
Day Three
Day three, and just cruising along. No glitches so far, a few near misses but no catastrophes. Still on program, working specifically on making the "second cup black" (coffee) and getting all my water in. Today I will focus on making sure I meet my needs as well as the needs of my family. My needs are to stay on Medifast. And to get plenty of rest.
So here we go...Happy Medifasting!
Posted Sunday, Oct 12, 2008 10:44 AM by goalbysummer | 4 Comments [Edit Post]
Full of new opportunities. Full of the same opportunities, again!
On plan and have a plan and doing the plan.
Posted Sunday, Jan 4, 2009 10:56 PM by goalbysummer | 3 Comments [Edit Post]
God is smiling on us....
Having a wonderful day! I just made an awesome salad with cabbage, lime juice, lime zest, finely grated fresh ginger, etc. It was fabulous!
I am thrilled that my husband and I are on the Medifast Bandwagon again. It is time to get healthy.
I enjoy looking at my "after" pictures, the ones I took at or near goal, on my blog. I know that this is an indication that I am hopeful I will be there again, and am looking forward, instead of regretting I let myself gain the weight back, and looking backwards.
Lots of exciting things happening in my life right now. God is smiling on us.
Cheers to all, and praise to God.
Stacy
Posted Saturday, Dec 13, 2008 8:12 PM by goalbysummer | 5 Comments [Edit Post]
I love all the positive blogs!
Keep up the awesome blogs, people! I love reading them in the afternoon~ Keep it up.
I bought some posterpaper and have made myself an actual graph on which to record my progress for my downward spiral of weight loss. It helps me to see it on something other than the computer.
I have a trajectory of 2 lbs/week and 3 lbs/week, and as long as I'm within that trajectory I am going to feel like a huge success.
I have vowed to myself to be on plan 100% this time around, as I can really see how bites, licks and tastes affected my previous rate of weight loss the last time I did Medifast. For the first 4 months I was on plan and lost about 10-12 lbs/month, and after that I struggled to eke out 7 lbs/month, and that was with lots of exercise included.
So, this is an experiment for me. I am going to stay 100% and see if I can't maintain a 10 lbs/month weight loss. Let's go for it.
I think when I'm done I'll consider opening a Medifast franchise here in Arizona, if they allow that. My house is a live/work zoning, so I can set up my counseling office in my home gym upstairs. At the very least I'll be a health coach for TSFL.
Posted Thursday, Dec 11, 2008 4:50 PM by goalbysummer | 8 Comments [Edit Post]
Where I was, then I was, and where I will be again...
So here is a "before" pic, an "after" pic, and I guarantee I'll be there again.
Starting weight 266.5, "goal pic" weight 130. Now I'm 230. I want to be 125. Here I go.
Posted Wednesday, Dec 10, 2008 10:36 PM by goalbysummer | 4 Comments [Edit Post]
End of Day Three. All I can say is...WOW.
I am drinking my last MF shake, which comprises my last meal of the day. I was utterly successful today, yesterday, and Monday, meaning I have reached the end of "The Dreaded Three Days". Yay Me.
This evening I felt a moment where it seemed my cravings went away. It was a little eerie. It was actually a moment that I can point my finger at and say "oh my goodness, I don't feel deprived, I feel hopeful!"
So, yay me. I have a new goal weight, and will be on this program 100% until I get there, which is something I did not do the first time. The first time I did Medifast, I was on program for 4 months, then I dilly-dallied around. I still got to 128, don't get me wrong, from 266, which means I did do the work. But I settled for negotiating with myself to add little extras here and there. More than one person on this site will remember my "Sun-Butter Attacks". (sun butter is made from sunflower seeds, and was one of my downfalls/vices in my previous weight loss). This time I will be like RG. I will be 100%. I will be ruthless with my compliance. I have to be.
Thanks for being an inspiration, RG!
Posted Wednesday, Dec 10, 2008 10:04 PM by goalbysummer | 2 Comments [Edit Post]
4 meals down, 2 to go.
Just a quick note to say that today, day 3, has been hard but good. Good in that I decided it matters not how I feel, it only matters what I let pass through these lips of mine. It is like medicine. I will lose weight if I do the work. I'm ready to do the work. End of story. Beginning of story.
Posted Wednesday, Dec 10, 2008 6:39 PM by goalbysummer | 5 Comments [Edit Post]
Just had a fabulous lunch...
Seems like whenever I restart Medifast I have the temptation of doing the "complete Medifast" which excludes the lean and green. This type of Medifast is for use only under a Doctor's supervision, and of course I'm not going to do that so that is reason #1 not to do it. But I think it is important to recognize my desire to "restrict" my intake excessively, and to "punish" myself by punishing my body. I've decided not to do that. So, I intentionally make myself my lean and green and look at it as an act of love to myself. An act of taking care of myself in a practical way.
So, my lunch today was a beautiful stir-fry of shaved fennel, yellow squash, and tofu.
I sprayed a big pan with Pam, threw 1 1/2 cups of chopped fennel bulb, and 1/2 cup yellow squash. I added a splash of soy sauce, and let it cook until tender. I removed it from the pan, and put the tofu in, another splash of soy sauce, seared it, and cubed it in the pan. I then tossed it all together, and minced up a half clove of garlic to sprinkle on top. It was delicious. It was very filling, and I am very close to deciding to become a vegetarian. For some reason I'm sick of chicken, fish, beef, turkey, etc. I'm going to read the "Medifast for Vegetarians" portion of the program and see if I can make it work for me...hmmm.
Keep on keeping on, MFers! And drink your water!
Posted Wednesday, Nov 26, 2008 2:32 PM by goalbysummer | 2 Comments [Edit Post]
Good Wednesday.
Good Wednesday to you all. When I read the blogs first thing in the morning it helps me set the tone for my day On Plan. This morning I was particularly struck again by the fact that none of us are doing this in a vacuum. We can all support eachother. So let's lean on one another and get through the temptations, the self-doubt, the self-loathing, the thoughts of "why bother" or "I'm not worth it" or "I can't do it."
We can all do it.
Posted Wednesday, Nov 26, 2008 11:22 AM by goalbysummer | 3 Comments [Edit Post]
Down Five and Drinking My Water.
Down 5 and drinking my water. Down 5 and drinking my water. Gonna do it. Gonna do it.
Of course I choose the week before Thankgiving to restart my program. I am an overcomer of obstacles. I will do it.
I walked to Fresh and Easy today with my little man. It felt good to get out. I wore shorts. It meant I had to shave my legs, so I did that. Wow. This whole taking care of yourself thing is hard work. Hard hard work. But I'm convinced it is worth it.
Do you know what I'm looking forward to? I'm looking forward to waking up pain-free. I'm looking forward to weighing what my driver's license says I weigh. 128.
I will get there again. I guaran-****-tee it.
Posted Monday, Nov 24, 2008 4:56 PM by goalbysummer | 7 Comments [Edit Post]
Today is THE day.
This morning I woke up with pain in my back. As I walked down the hall I had the acute realization that I was no longer walking. I was lumbering. The difference between lumbering a walking, for me, is around 230 lbs. When I weigh less than 230 I walk. When I weigh more than 230 I lumber. It is a distinct difference in how I carry myself, and in the stress that is upon my knees. I feel like a cautionary tale. I feel like people can look at my story and say "but whatever you do, don't do what SHE did".
I restarted MF today. I have been watching with mortified wonder as the scale has gone up and up. When my mom died I weighed 150 at her memorial service. That was a "mere" 20 lbs over my goal. When I went a month later to Palo Alto to begin the wait for my son's kidney transplant I weighed 170. A "mere" 20 lbs over my "mere" 20 lbs over goal. When I returned from Palo Alto to Colorado I weighed 209. A "mere" 29 lbs over the "mere" 20 lbs over the "mere" 20 lbs over goal. This morning I weighed 233.
This morning I and my husband began MF again. It's all I can do. I feel it is the last effort I can muster before giving up completely.
So I begin my journey once again, stepping on the path I deviated from a year ago. Anyone want to join me? I've got size 18 jeans just calling my name, and I'll be happy when I can get into them without a struggle.
My new goals are to run a triathalon next summer, and to be able to run up Camelback Mountain (in Phoenix) without stopping. I used to do that, when I was in college. Every other day, just before I got married, I'd hit the mountain with my trusty dog Kenika. She was a white wolf/shephard mix. She was awesome.
I'm off.
Posted Saturday, Nov 22, 2008 11:21 AM by goalbysummer | 11 Comments [Edit Post]
Revised Goal: Lose 100 lbs.
My journey has been interesting. I am fully responsible for my failures but continue to strive to minimize them. So, I am here to say that I will lose 100 lbs and be DONE with this yo-yo-ing forever.
I have decided to read the Beck Diet Solution, and the Rules of Normal Eating, both books have been recommended to me by others. I am convinced that my biggest personal issue I must deal with is my issue with food.
Posted Saturday, Nov 15, 2008 12:27 PM by goalbysummer | 7 Comments [Edit Post]
Day 7.
I'm on to day 7, and I already have 1 Liter of water in me. I'm happy about that. It is beautiful today and I plan on going for a long walk with my son. It is supposed to be an "Indian Summer" today, tomorrow, and through the weekend.
Having no scale is making it quite an interesting journey for me. I used to jump on the scale every morning right after I peed, and that worked really well for me. But then the scale beat me up on the way back up. It stared me down, and made me feel super bad. I'm still smarting from the mental abuse =)
So I am trying to do some, if not all, of this journey without the scale. I am trying to use my clothes as a guide. Right now I hate what I look like in the mirror. But I just have to keep on believing and having faith that this program works so long as I am working it. I have to remain rooted to the fact, the FACT that I am shrinking every day as I have my lean and green, eat my 5 MF meals, and stay true to the MF program.
As I get closer to my goal I may seek some professional counseling to try to understand what my triggers are a little better than I do. I can throw out a blanket "stress" and that covers just about everything. How about "fear"? I can see that, I can see how my fear of gaining the weight back looms over me and turns into a self-fulfilling prophecy, somewhat like a believe that "well, if I'm going to gain the weight back anyway I might as well get on with it, get it over with, so I can eat what I want on the other end and already BE large and feel worthless".
I'm back from our glorious walk, I am waiting for those exercise endorphins to kick in, and am eating my MF chicken noodle soup, and tofu. I'll have my "green" for dinner. Oh, excuse me, my SON is assisting me with the Tofu..had to go make some more! He loves tofu.
Ok, just another day, just another blog. Just another thread in the tapestry of my re-re-invention that I am weaving here. Take care, all.
Posted Thursday, Oct 16, 2008 12:36 PM by goalbysummer | 3 Comments [Edit Post]
Day 6 almost done...
And I'm about to go for a run/walk. My ketosis is in full swing. Had the sweet taste in my mouth this afternoon. I haven't weighed yet, I'm kind of excited for the challenge of NOT weighing for a good long time.
Staying on program is paramount. Staying on program is my goal. I will stay on program and wear my goal jeans next weekend. I got my size 14 jeans at the Levi Store last Friday, and I couldn't even get them over my hips in the dressing room. Yesterday I got them up over my hips and BUTTONED!
I love this program. I feel myself shrinking. This weekend I'll go and get my size 10 jeans. In a few weeks I'll be pulling THEM up over my hips, and in a few weeks after that I will be buttoning THEM. Then it's the size 6's. And that is how it goes.
Alright, I just returned from my walk/run. And I'm drinking my cup of tea with splenda, no creamer, and updating my blog. I have to keep telling myself I am in self-imposed recovery from my possible eating disorder. It's not a clinical, diagnosed eating disorder, but, like most people doing the MF program, I love food too much. I love it more than I love myself, and that is what needs changing. I am committed to changing that.
Tonight I will go back and read some of my old blogs. You may find them helpful as well. But I won't presume.
Posted Wednesday, Oct 15, 2008 7:49 PM by goalbysummer | 3 Comments [Edit Post]
On to day 6.
Got through day 5, and I'm on to day 6. Had my water last night. Went to bed. Two meals down today, three meals and a lean and green to go. Julian has the sniffles, I don't know if it is allergies or a cold. I did go out to see a friend yesterday, and she has an 8 month old baby, I just pray Julian didn't get anything the baby may have been carrying.
I think it just means that I can't see any people who have kids, or expose Julian to anyone like that. There are a couple of viruses he just can't get, or his risk of other diseases gets higher. At least in the first year.
Posted Wednesday, Oct 15, 2008 12:33 PM by goalbysummer | 1 Comments [Edit Post]
Facing my food demons...and keeping my butt planted firmly on the couch.
I have thought about going off program today. I told a friend of mine, who started a different diet a few days ago, that I was so hungry I could eat the walls. But I'm sitting on the couch where I have banished myself until I am convinced I have the strength to go downstairs to bed and wake up in the morning to my 6th day OP.
I am blogging this because the emotions, the feelings, the struggle, is real. There are real Rice Chex in the cupboard. I developed quite a taste for those while at the Ronald McDonald House in Palo Alto. Then UNWRAPPED had a sinful segment about American Brownies that made me want to order a box of 12 and eat them all. Wicked, wicked show.
Of course I did not. Of course I still sit here, getting so bone dog tired. Blogging to help keep my resolve to go to the kitchen for a glass of ice water and then head downstairs.
Pirates of the Carribean at Worlds End has been my companion as I ponder the complexities of dealing with my emotions. I love Johnny Dep. I have to say he's my MovieStar Boyfriend. Ha!
Ok, I know that I am strong enough to make it downstairs without any bites, licks, or tastes, and definitely no extra bar. So I'm off. I've been incredibly thirsty these last 2 days, and have been drinking a ton of extra water. Must be in Ketosis now.
Take care all my MF friends.
Posted Wednesday, Oct 15, 2008 1:04 AM by goalbysummer | 5 Comments [Edit Post]
Having the second cup black.
Today is day 5. I have been on the Medifast program 100% now for 4 full days. If I keep lining up these days in a neat little row, I will soon be at my goal. One morning I will wake up and it will be a day just like any other day...except I will be at my goal.
Stop and think, in your own situation, what would you not give, what would you not sacrifice, to wake up one of these mornings and be...at your never-before-imagined-you-could-be-at GOAL WEIGHT?!?!?!
Now, if that list includes just about everything, then do it. Sacrifice all of that today. Or, wait, just sacrifice your cravings and temptations. That is easy enough. Sacrifice your ability to eat whatever you want whenever you want. That is all you need to do. To stay on Plan. You know how, the day is young. If you've started out on MF today, just make your next meal a MF one. Then repeat. Then repeat. And soon you, too, will be near or at your goal. Unless you sabatoge yourself.
My goal today is to go for a walk with my sweet boy, stay on program, and wake up tomorrow to repeat.
And I will have my second cup of coffee black.
Posted Tuesday, Oct 14, 2008 12:15 PM by goalbysummer | 2 Comments [Edit Post]
Took My Own Advice Today
In the spirit of putting my money where my mouth is, I took my own advice today. I went and shelled out $16.11 at the Levi's Store in Boulder to buy a pair of goal (little "g", as it isn't my goal-weight) jeans.
When I went looking for jeans last week, ANYTHING I could wear instead of my sweat-pants, I broke down and bought a pair of 18W jeans from Walmart. My heart sank that I was "back" in 18's. But today I bought a pair of 14's, in the "552" style of jean from the "regular" Levi's store.
I have always been an advocate of goal clothing. Buying a size or two smaller than where you are at present so that you can have a concrete "other than the scale" reference point to monitor your progress.
When I "did it before" I started at a size 26 and "goal jeaned" my way down to a size 2. I was most comfortable in my 4's.
Instead of dwell on the past and make myself feel horrible for "having" to buy size 14 "goal jeans" again, I decided to pretend it's a brand new experience. These size 14's are my best friends right now, and I WILL fit into them in a few short weeks. I am determined.
Goal clothing allow your mind to break the "I can't" barrier. They allow you to do something concrete (other than staying on MF which I also advocate!) to help you along, to tell your inner-voice that you ARE committed, that you DO believe you will get there.
I have found that even if my inner voice is skeptical, the moment I lay down that debit card for the purchase it is like throwing down the gauntlet. It is a self-challenge, and I am always up for a challenge. I thrive on challenges. I thrive to overcome them and move on to the next one.
So. I visited my familiar haunt of the Levi's Store and layed down the gauntlet. I'm just glad the gauntlet was on sale. I can't bear to pay $30-$60 for jeans I won't be in for long......heh heh heh.
And the day those size 14's fit I'm gonna buy me some size 10's. I'll wear the 14's until I can fit into the 10's. That's just how it's going to be.
I also made another purchase today, I bought a small coffee cup. Since most of my belongings are in Arizona I didn't have my "just the right size" coffee cup for my morning cuppa Joe. I just have a few mammoth coffee cups that always make me feel deprived because I can't put in more than 2 TBSP half and half. (Is half and half still "allowed?" ... It is in my book if it's not technically allowed on MF. I got to my goal before using half and half..)
My coffee has to be the appropriate camel color in order for me to fully enjoy it, and only using 2 TBSP of half and half limits the amount of coffee I can put in the mug. So, I have an appropriate size mug now, which is about a 4-6 ounce mug. Yay.
Just had to have that.
Posted Monday, Oct 13, 2008 6:57 PM by goalbysummer | 5 Comments [Edit Post]
"I deserve this piece of ..... (fill in the blank)...because....
I've worked hard. I've had a tough day. I have cravings. I've been good in my diet. ERGO: I deserve this piece of...halloween candy, chocolate bar, cheesecake, granola bar, chocolate chip cookie, sushi (my particular weakness), etc.
Let's change the wording of this a bit to reflect the reality of what we are saying:
"I deserve to sabatoge myself and undo all the progress I've made because I actually haven't learned to love myself yet and therefore will do all I can to ensure my own unhappiness and ultimate destruction."
No matter what we try to tell ourselves in the moment of temptation, ultimately the message we are sending ourselves when we cave to the food demons is that we are unworthy to be happy. That we are the lowest of low creatures who aren't worth a second glance. Call it years of conditioning. Call it a coping mechanism to insulate us from the realities and hardships of life. In fact, the failure to do what we know is right actually adds to our stress, adds to our hardships.
I know. I've seen both ends. Many of us have. Many of us have lost weight only to regain it again. And feel like failures. And think "self, I told you so, I knew you couldn't do it, I knew you couldn't keep it off...why even try again."
I'm facing up to that bold faced lie. The truth is that I CAN do it, I have proven that. The truth is that anyone CAN do it. Anyone CAN lose the weight, and more importantly or equally as important, anyone CAN keep it off. It comes down to choices. Some of us lost our way in the choices category. Well, it doesn't mean we have to keep it that way, to keep wallowing in the mud as I call it. We can lift ourselves out and determine the quality of our own lives.
We can hate it, hate ourselves, or we can love it and love ourselves.
I choose the latter.
Posted Monday, Oct 13, 2008 12:14 PM by goalbysummer | 4 Comments [Edit Post]
Day Three Done.
I threw my husband under the bus. I encouraged him to have some of Julian's chocolate birthday cupcakes with chocolate icing. And we are supposed to be doing this together. I feel a little wicked. But it WAS his choice. Poor guy, he has to go through the three days again.
I went for a walk/run this afternoon, it was good to get out in the blustery chilly day. Being outdoors invigorates me.
I'm pretty sure I've lost this weekend. It was a good weekend and it was a hard weekend.
Posted Sunday, Oct 12, 2008 10:29 PM by goalbysummer | 4 Comments [Edit Post]
Day Three
Day three, and just cruising along. No glitches so far, a few near misses but no catastrophes. Still on program, working specifically on making the "second cup black" (coffee) and getting all my water in. Today I will focus on making sure I meet my needs as well as the needs of my family. My needs are to stay on Medifast. And to get plenty of rest.
So here we go...Happy Medifasting!
Posted Sunday, Oct 12, 2008 10:44 AM by goalbysummer | 4 Comments [Edit Post]
Sept 28, 2008
An Update on Me and Mine...
I am back. I am back on program and back in control of my life and my health. No one but me can do this. No one. And if I don't do it, it ain't gonna get done.
Short summary for those who don't know me, I lost 136 lbs on MF in 14 months beginning in July of 2006. For reasons I won't go into now, I failed to transition properly, and proceeded to gain 90 of my lbs back. I have just returned from a 6 months stint at the Ronald McDonald House in Palo Alto as my son Julian received a Kidney Transplant at the fine institution of the Lucile Packard Children's Hospital. Let me tell you firstly that Julian is doing wonderfully. He has fully recovered and his new kidney is operating beautifully. Praise God.
The Ronald McDonald House had a community kitchen, but due to Julian's food allergies I couldn't use it. We could not have food in the room, and so he and I ate out alot. Some would say "oh, you could have done the MF program there...why didn't you?" Well, to them I say this: I tried. I started and restarted the wonderful MF program so many times from April to October that my head hurts thinking about it. But Julian's medical needs and the stress of the entire situation were too much for my little brain/emotions to bear, and it was all I could do to get us all fed and his medical needs, meds, etc, taken care of on a hourly and daily basis. Suffice it to say I eventually made the choice that I was going to put off Medifast until I returned to Colorado.
Well, I'm back. My husband and I began the program in earnest yesterday. This will be day two. He has about 40 lbs to lose and I have about 90. This will be an interesting go of it for me, because last time I was absolutely addicted to my scale. I had to see the daily numbers to keep me motivated.
This time I am reaching deep and trying to find a different way to stay motivated. Times are hard for us right now, and we simply can't afford a scale. I had to choose between a scale at Costco and a Healthmate Blender, and I chose the Healthmate blender. If it gets too hard without a scale, I will go and get one, but for now I am trying it without. Julian has weekly doctor visits so I can hop on it when he goes to the pediatrician.
Anyway, I am so glad I took so many pictures when I was losing weight last time, and was at my goal. It helps to motivate me now, to see what I can accomplish when I have the right tools and put my mind to it.
I am excited. I could beat myself up and be deflated and depressed because I gained back quite a bit of my weight. But assessing the situation, I did not gain it ALL back. That in itself is a small victory I can pull out of this, it is one thing I can be proud of to say I had the sense enough to turn myself around before I topped 266 or higher again!
I am going to log my food from yesterday and today, because that helps me too. And Blogging helps, so I will be doing that also. One of the motto that keeps me trying and trying again when I feel like a failure is this: "You could always be bigger". It is so true. No matter how big I think I am now, squeezing into size 18 jeans, I COULD BE and HAVE BEEN bigger. The potential is always there.
Sometimes I would think "aw, this isn't worth it..the struggle, the constant battle with food..I just want to eat what I want when I want". Well, I can do that, but my body has proven that it is not content to stay moderately overweight if I keep eating incorrectly. It just keeps gaining and gaining! And I noticed that the gaining of the weight was very similar to the losing. While losing weight, I'd lose for awhile, then hit a plateau while my body "caught up" and dropped sizes while not losing pounds. It is the same when I gain. I will gain weight, then stabilize on the scale for a bit but my body will inflate...then I will continue gaining...then my body will inflate...then I will continue gaining. It is a horrendous cycle and one I never want to participate in again.
So. Here are my goals: Lose my weight, go back to Graduate School for my Masters in Nutrition (I have my Bachelor's in Nutrition already), become a personal trainer/chef and stay fit by participating in triathalons when I get the chance. Lofty goals. Totally obtainable.
Here I go. Goal-By-Summer: By June I'll be my goal weight of 125 and be actively training for a triathalon I am registered in.
Last time I did the program, I not only met my goal of getting to my goal weight, but I also participated in running a half-marathon, I obtained private health insurance, and was able to get life insurance at the ultra-preferred rate. Prior to losing the weight I could not buy health insurance and I couldn't get life insurance. So I know this program works. And I intend to work the program. End of story. Beginning of story.
Bye for now.
I am back. I am back on program and back in control of my life and my health. No one but me can do this. No one. And if I don't do it, it ain't gonna get done.
Short summary for those who don't know me, I lost 136 lbs on MF in 14 months beginning in July of 2006. For reasons I won't go into now, I failed to transition properly, and proceeded to gain 90 of my lbs back. I have just returned from a 6 months stint at the Ronald McDonald House in Palo Alto as my son Julian received a Kidney Transplant at the fine institution of the Lucile Packard Children's Hospital. Let me tell you firstly that Julian is doing wonderfully. He has fully recovered and his new kidney is operating beautifully. Praise God.
The Ronald McDonald House had a community kitchen, but due to Julian's food allergies I couldn't use it. We could not have food in the room, and so he and I ate out alot. Some would say "oh, you could have done the MF program there...why didn't you?" Well, to them I say this: I tried. I started and restarted the wonderful MF program so many times from April to October that my head hurts thinking about it. But Julian's medical needs and the stress of the entire situation were too much for my little brain/emotions to bear, and it was all I could do to get us all fed and his medical needs, meds, etc, taken care of on a hourly and daily basis. Suffice it to say I eventually made the choice that I was going to put off Medifast until I returned to Colorado.
Well, I'm back. My husband and I began the program in earnest yesterday. This will be day two. He has about 40 lbs to lose and I have about 90. This will be an interesting go of it for me, because last time I was absolutely addicted to my scale. I had to see the daily numbers to keep me motivated.
This time I am reaching deep and trying to find a different way to stay motivated. Times are hard for us right now, and we simply can't afford a scale. I had to choose between a scale at Costco and a Healthmate Blender, and I chose the Healthmate blender. If it gets too hard without a scale, I will go and get one, but for now I am trying it without. Julian has weekly doctor visits so I can hop on it when he goes to the pediatrician.
Anyway, I am so glad I took so many pictures when I was losing weight last time, and was at my goal. It helps to motivate me now, to see what I can accomplish when I have the right tools and put my mind to it.
I am excited. I could beat myself up and be deflated and depressed because I gained back quite a bit of my weight. But assessing the situation, I did not gain it ALL back. That in itself is a small victory I can pull out of this, it is one thing I can be proud of to say I had the sense enough to turn myself around before I topped 266 or higher again!
I am going to log my food from yesterday and today, because that helps me too. And Blogging helps, so I will be doing that also. One of the motto that keeps me trying and trying again when I feel like a failure is this: "You could always be bigger". It is so true. No matter how big I think I am now, squeezing into size 18 jeans, I COULD BE and HAVE BEEN bigger. The potential is always there.
Sometimes I would think "aw, this isn't worth it..the struggle, the constant battle with food..I just want to eat what I want when I want". Well, I can do that, but my body has proven that it is not content to stay moderately overweight if I keep eating incorrectly. It just keeps gaining and gaining! And I noticed that the gaining of the weight was very similar to the losing. While losing weight, I'd lose for awhile, then hit a plateau while my body "caught up" and dropped sizes while not losing pounds. It is the same when I gain. I will gain weight, then stabilize on the scale for a bit but my body will inflate...then I will continue gaining...then my body will inflate...then I will continue gaining. It is a horrendous cycle and one I never want to participate in again.
So. Here are my goals: Lose my weight, go back to Graduate School for my Masters in Nutrition (I have my Bachelor's in Nutrition already), become a personal trainer/chef and stay fit by participating in triathalons when I get the chance. Lofty goals. Totally obtainable.
Here I go. Goal-By-Summer: By June I'll be my goal weight of 125 and be actively training for a triathalon I am registered in.
Last time I did the program, I not only met my goal of getting to my goal weight, but I also participated in running a half-marathon, I obtained private health insurance, and was able to get life insurance at the ultra-preferred rate. Prior to losing the weight I could not buy health insurance and I couldn't get life insurance. So I know this program works. And I intend to work the program. End of story. Beginning of story.
Bye for now.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
March 11th, 2009 - It Starts Now
This time it's different. Why? Because I am starting a monumental task with very little "emotional" buy-in. My decision to begin today has less to do with my emotional readiness, and more to do with my mental decision to start today. Do I feel like starting today? No. Am I bursting with the hopefulness and anticipation that usually accompanies beginning such large and life-changing tasks? No. Am I feeling invincible? Like there is nothing that can quash my resolve? No. As a matter of fact, I feel my situation and my adherence the the program is fragile at best, as if I am teetering precariously close to a ledge. Mentally and physically. That ledge leeds to the valley of the apathetic. The valley where I cease to exist as a whole and well and vibrant person.
There are two people in my brain, jostling for dominance. One is a slug. She is an unmotivated observer of the life around her, while she sits on the couch and lets her son grow up in auto-pilot. She has no desires. She is a-sexual. She has no active creative thought life, and is expressionless. She is morbidly obese, and her apathy is killing her, literally. She feels she has nothing to offer others in this world, and therefore remains, for the most part, silent. She is sour. She is angry. She contributes nothing to enhance the lives of those around her, or her own life. She wonders how she got this way, while at the same time wallowing in her negativeness. Physically, she is morbidly obese. She wear XXL Sweatpants courtesy of Walmart, and oversized Henley t-shirts. She sleeps in this outfit, and therefore it does not get washed for weeks at a time. She becomes out of breath getting out of bed and walking to the bathroom. She is the picture of depression, although she does not feel depressed. She feels....very little. Her back aches upon rising in the morning. Her heels crack from the weight. Her knees are crying out for less pressure. She gets to the point where she feels she may be about to pull a muscle while attending to her basest hygenic needs. And I mean "basest". This is the person she has become in 18 months. Again.
She is afraid to hope, because hope usually only leads to disappointment. She has failed, and therefore is a failure. Can failures thrive?
This is person A.
Person B is the person I want to become. The person I was on the road to being 2 years ago. Person B is mentally alert, agile, playful. Person B looks out for other people's interests, actively engages her son in meaningful ways like a mother should, and is vibrant and active. Person B is not afraid, not apathetic, not a failure. Person B grows and learns and changes in positive ways. She improves herself. She understands that she is important, and that she plays an important and vital role in the lives of her family. Physically, she is the picture of health. Person B has a smile on her face and in her heart. She is training for either a marathon or a triathalon, and her weight and muscle tone reflects her comittment to her healthy lifestyle. Person B has a closet full of beautiful clothes in a size 2-4. She exercises daily to keep her mind quick and her stress level low. She is a joy to interact with, and leaves people feeling positive and not negative. She is a bright and sunny person.
These two people compete for dominance. I don't know how Person A finds the motivation to compete, but she does. She seems to be my default personality. I want to change that. I want those attributes of my character to decrease, and the positive attributes embodied in who I call Person B to increase. This is my prayer, held up to the Lord Jesus and to the Father, that He would do a real work in my heart and my mind and my character. It will not be easy. Person A is the "flesh". Which is probably why I default to it. Person B is someone who holds their thoughts captive and who practices self-discipline and self-control. We are to add these things to our faith, and I have neglected them once again. Dear Lord, live through me. Give me the strength to back up my good decisions. I want to put person A to death. I want person B to emerge and to remain. Lord, make it so. I will do the work. You give the blessings to persevere. Amen and amen.
There are two people in my brain, jostling for dominance. One is a slug. She is an unmotivated observer of the life around her, while she sits on the couch and lets her son grow up in auto-pilot. She has no desires. She is a-sexual. She has no active creative thought life, and is expressionless. She is morbidly obese, and her apathy is killing her, literally. She feels she has nothing to offer others in this world, and therefore remains, for the most part, silent. She is sour. She is angry. She contributes nothing to enhance the lives of those around her, or her own life. She wonders how she got this way, while at the same time wallowing in her negativeness. Physically, she is morbidly obese. She wear XXL Sweatpants courtesy of Walmart, and oversized Henley t-shirts. She sleeps in this outfit, and therefore it does not get washed for weeks at a time. She becomes out of breath getting out of bed and walking to the bathroom. She is the picture of depression, although she does not feel depressed. She feels....very little. Her back aches upon rising in the morning. Her heels crack from the weight. Her knees are crying out for less pressure. She gets to the point where she feels she may be about to pull a muscle while attending to her basest hygenic needs. And I mean "basest". This is the person she has become in 18 months. Again.
She is afraid to hope, because hope usually only leads to disappointment. She has failed, and therefore is a failure. Can failures thrive?
This is person A.
Person B is the person I want to become. The person I was on the road to being 2 years ago. Person B is mentally alert, agile, playful. Person B looks out for other people's interests, actively engages her son in meaningful ways like a mother should, and is vibrant and active. Person B is not afraid, not apathetic, not a failure. Person B grows and learns and changes in positive ways. She improves herself. She understands that she is important, and that she plays an important and vital role in the lives of her family. Physically, she is the picture of health. Person B has a smile on her face and in her heart. She is training for either a marathon or a triathalon, and her weight and muscle tone reflects her comittment to her healthy lifestyle. Person B has a closet full of beautiful clothes in a size 2-4. She exercises daily to keep her mind quick and her stress level low. She is a joy to interact with, and leaves people feeling positive and not negative. She is a bright and sunny person.
These two people compete for dominance. I don't know how Person A finds the motivation to compete, but she does. She seems to be my default personality. I want to change that. I want those attributes of my character to decrease, and the positive attributes embodied in who I call Person B to increase. This is my prayer, held up to the Lord Jesus and to the Father, that He would do a real work in my heart and my mind and my character. It will not be easy. Person A is the "flesh". Which is probably why I default to it. Person B is someone who holds their thoughts captive and who practices self-discipline and self-control. We are to add these things to our faith, and I have neglected them once again. Dear Lord, live through me. Give me the strength to back up my good decisions. I want to put person A to death. I want person B to emerge and to remain. Lord, make it so. I will do the work. You give the blessings to persevere. Amen and amen.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Sunday, September 28, 2008
219. So Bummed.
Can I come to the conclusion yet that I might have an EDNOS? It is quite possible. I have gained 90 lbs in 12 months. Who does that? I lost 136 lbs in 14 months, and gained 90 of it back.
I feel so large. My back is starting to hurt. My knees hurt. I am less emotionally available for any of my family because I'm feeling sorry for myself.
We are still at the Ronald McDonald House, and the stress over the last 12 months has gotten me looking like a blow-up doll. I was at my goal of 129 on September 27th, 2007. I ran a 1/2 Marathon, the Boulder Backroads. I then found out I was pregnant in October, we were told Julian needed peritoneal dialysis in November, they did the surgery to place the catheter on the 29th, it stopped working after 10 days of training beginning on December 12th, I had my miscarriage at 12 weeks, we went to Phoenix to visit my dying Mom, we returned to Colorado and the PD catheter still didn't work, I we had the catheter taken out at the end of January, decided we were going to go to Stanford's Lucile Packard Children's Hospital for Julian's kidney transplant, we sold our house in March, my Mom died in March, Julian and I went to Lucile Packard Children's Hospital and began living at the Ronald McDonald House, in April, my Dad met a new woman in April, Julian started hemodialysis in April, Julian got a kidney transplant in May, we've been at the RMH since then, my Dad got married in July. It is now the end of September 2008 and I just returned from my Dad's wedding reception in Payson. We are leaving the RMH next Friday to go back to Colorado.
I'm getting bloodwork done next week, and starting the MF program again, full force. I will take a picture every day of my shrinking bod. I will run a marathon in Seattle next summer. I will keep a daily journal of my thoughts/feelings/intake/exercise/weight.
I begin on October 6th.
I feel so large. My back is starting to hurt. My knees hurt. I am less emotionally available for any of my family because I'm feeling sorry for myself.
We are still at the Ronald McDonald House, and the stress over the last 12 months has gotten me looking like a blow-up doll. I was at my goal of 129 on September 27th, 2007. I ran a 1/2 Marathon, the Boulder Backroads. I then found out I was pregnant in October, we were told Julian needed peritoneal dialysis in November, they did the surgery to place the catheter on the 29th, it stopped working after 10 days of training beginning on December 12th, I had my miscarriage at 12 weeks, we went to Phoenix to visit my dying Mom, we returned to Colorado and the PD catheter still didn't work, I we had the catheter taken out at the end of January, decided we were going to go to Stanford's Lucile Packard Children's Hospital for Julian's kidney transplant, we sold our house in March, my Mom died in March, Julian and I went to Lucile Packard Children's Hospital and began living at the Ronald McDonald House, in April, my Dad met a new woman in April, Julian started hemodialysis in April, Julian got a kidney transplant in May, we've been at the RMH since then, my Dad got married in July. It is now the end of September 2008 and I just returned from my Dad's wedding reception in Payson. We are leaving the RMH next Friday to go back to Colorado.
I'm getting bloodwork done next week, and starting the MF program again, full force. I will take a picture every day of my shrinking bod. I will run a marathon in Seattle next summer. I will keep a daily journal of my thoughts/feelings/intake/exercise/weight.
I begin on October 6th.
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