Wednesday, July 6, 2011

June 28th - July 6th, 2011

That is right. Some mornings I wake up and I am on fire and on task. I eat my first Medifast Meal with a gleeful anticipation of the changes which are to come, because I KNOW they will come and I KNOW my body is changing.

The days that I DON'T wake up with Medi-Glee, I pretend I did.

GASP!!! WHAT?!?!?!? She's a POSER? A PRETENDER? I KNEW IT!!!!

Well, that isn't exactly what I meant. Perhaps a better way of putting it is that some days I wake up just not feelin' the Medi-Love.

I don't feel like making my oatmeal. I don't feel like drinking my Liter of water before 10am. I don't wanna. Yes. Some days the Medi-Honeymoon is O-VER.

But what I mean by I "pretend" is that I don't let my mindset which may be less than stellar that day effect in any way what I eat.

And for a recovering (daily) emotional eater, that is saying quite a bit.

Who knew that I could separate how I feel from what I eat? Well, I did. I didn't know it at the beginning, but I have learned it, I AM learning it, on this journey.

I have learned that even on those days (which sometimes turn into weeks) of despising having to even DO Medifast, despising myself for having let myself get to that point of NEEDING Medifast, just wanting it all to go away, even on those days, my body and my fat reserves respond to what I EAT and not how I FEEL.

It is NOT a failure or a shortcoming to have those days of the Medi-Blues. And just because on those days I'm not super IN to the process or gung-ho about opening those packets of Medi-meals, just because the enthusiasm isn't always present doesn't mean that the program will not work on those days that I just ain't feelin' it.

It works. It works no matter how I feel. It works because it is a physiological process. Energy in, energy out. If I "pretend" that I am on-purpose on those days, and "act" accordingly, ie only eating what is on plan for that day, I will lose weight.

My DOING the program is in no way dependent on my FEELING like doing the program.

And if I have to drag myself kicking and screaming to success on some days, well, I will. Because it is about choosing, not feeling. It is about separating my emotions from my eating. Novel concept. One that I am learning every day. And if I have to relearn it every day, that is OK.

=)

Happy Medifasting! Rinse and Repeat!
I did a zip line in San Francisco over the weekend. It was 75 feet high and 750 feet long, and carried us over the thronging crowds of people in front of the Ferry Building. They will be there all summer long.

I would not have even considered doing the zipline last year. The weight limit is 275 lbs, and I weighed around 270 but that wasn't even the limiting factor. What WOULD have been the limiting factor are these things:

7 1/2 story climb via stairs to the launching platform
Finding a harness that fit me
Finding a worker willing to help me get INTO said harness

And that would have been just the start of my fears.

But THIS year? It has ALL changed.

7.5 story climb up the stairs? No prob.
Harness to fit? No prob.
Over 100 lbs UNDER the weight limit? No prob.

I had never zip lined before so I didn't know exactly what to expect. So as I launched, and soared over the ground, it felt like I was flying. I felt lighter than air. Elated in spirit. Like I could do anything......wait.....I recognize these feelings....

I have actually been feeling this way for many MONTHS now, never mind the zip line! The zip line just took those feelings and concentrated them into a bit higher level....but I felt the SAME emotions/elation!

I am so happy my life is my life. Yay me. Yay Medifast.

Happy Medifasting! Rinse and Repeat!
I had a lot of time to reflect this weekend. The question I didn't even know I had been asking was answered on my mini-vacay to San Francisco.

Am I really changing on the inside too, or am I just gritting my teeth and muscling through this "thing"? (Thing meaning Medifast Program, losing weight, etc.)

I am happy to say that the answer to that question is YES. I am changing on the inside.

The first time I did Medifast I rode the emotion and elation of the consistent losses. Don't get me wrong I LOVE me some consistent losses. But I don't remember feeling healthy in my SOUL the first time around. I don't remember focusing on good HEALTH instead of just focusing on the outward changes.

I found this weekend that I was at peace. Peace with the process, and peace with me. Whereas the first time I did Medifast I was driven out of a sense of conflict. The conflicting emotions of "what do I want more....this food or to lose weight".....

They created a tension within me which did NOT facilitate a sense of peace. I lost my entire 140 lbs white-knuckling it out, running on adrenaline, psyching myself up for the day, exercise my brains out, and dreaming of the day I could be at goal and eat "normal" again. Saying to myself "I can always have that after I reach goal"...and the like.

This time I can sense the deepest change I have every felt. This change that has come over me I can put in the same category as my conversion to the Lord, my wedding to my love, and the birth of my son. It is a life change commitment, one when you just KNOW your life will never be the same, and that it is a positive good thing.

When I became a Christian, my first thought those first few months was NOT "I can't wait to get back to my old ways...."

When I married my husband, my ensuing thoughts weren't "I'm SO angry and sad that I can never date anyone else again!!!!"

When I had my son I didn't think "Well, there goes MY freedom! Can't wait until he moves out and I can be carefree again!"

And as I'm losing weight, and approaching the 100 lbs lost mark my thoughts are NOT "I am SO wanting that chocolate milkshake and am SO bummed I can't have it..."

Meaning that I don't feel deprived.

When I became a Christian, I never felt deprived of the "old" ways. I counted it joy to serve my Lord, and didn't focus on the "fun" I may have been missing out on being a Christian because you see those things that may have previously been labeled as "fun" for me did not hold any appeal anymore.

When I got married (almost 20 years ago!), I was thrilled to be committed to my one man. I was happy to be married, and wasn't pining for the single life.

And now that I have health and fitness on my brain, and have committed to be the best version of myself I can possibly be, I honestly don't pine for the junk. I don't miss the garbage. I don't drool over the sourdough bread. I don't give the chocolate a second glance.

And I still have a wonderful time. And I still love food, but I love GOOD and GOOD FOR ME food. Like the grilled spanish calamari on a bed of butter lettuce that I had for my Lean and Green on Friday at Restaurant Sen. Like the 1 dozen oysters on the half shell that I had at the Ferry Island Seafood Company Restaurant in the Ferry Building on Sunday before heading back to the airport. Like the 10 almonds I ate before my massage at Nordstroms Spa on Friday evening. And the double espresso I savored from the Blue Bottle Coffee Company.

And this weekend I rode a zipline for the first time in my life. Could not have done that last year. Would not have done that last year. Firstly, the weight limit was 275 lbs, and I weighed close to 270. Secondly, they would not have had a harness that could get around me. Thirdly, I would not have let them TRY to get a harness around me. How humiliating would that have been?

Well, enough rambling. Suffice it to say I am changing from the inside out, and the outward is becoming a reflection of the inward. And plus I was told I looked "Amazing" in my grey (size L-but not for long!) Banana Republic Dress, blue sparkling shoes, and crushed black velvet butterfly wrap. And I will admit the wedding cupcakes (the purpose of my visit was to attend a wedding near Sacramento) held NO appeal for me after that compliment! =)
Today I had a flashback while sitting in my exit row window seat waiting for everyone to board. A couple came down the aisle, and moved into my row 10. They were precious! She was morbidly obese, he was morbidly obese. She folded her arms over her belly and tried to make herself small, as she was sitting in the middle seat. I didn't mind at all. Been there. Many times. I had the opportunity to share my story with them during the flight, and they may sign up this week! She had a pacemaker put in last year, and her Doc wants her to lose weight. She does too. Her hubby. is a type II diabetic. They have 3 children ranging from age 6 up. They have much to live for. Too much life to live morbidly obese, because as they know it is killing them.

Today I will pray they start next week.

And here's my view from my hotel! It's naptime!!!!! I get a 1 hour glorious nap in a dark, cool room!
One of the way coolest things EVER about hanging around these boards for months at a time is that you get to see everyone SHRINKING in their avatar. I think that is just WAY cool. I have attached my "before" picture to this blog for those of you who haven't been around long enough to see my transformation.

I also want to say this. If you go to MyPage and look through my pictures, the difference in my face between my pink-shirt picture and the black background art-deco picture with my hair down is ONLY 40 lbs. So those of you starting out, you can see a TREMENDOUS difference in your face, neck, etc in just 40 pounds. You don't have to be at goal to see improvements.

Have a great weekend!
So I think the verdict is in. It is slinky but not obscene, and I'll be wearing it with a beautiful black crushed velvet butterfly wrap. Besides the picture I've attached at the bottom of the blog, I'll also have someone take a pic of me at the wedding so you can see the whole package! =) As I just dropped in to overweight I am ecstatic. I know I'm not there yet but I AM getting there. One day at a time.
Attachment: greydress169.jpg
What do our daily actions reveal about whether we are a priority in our own lives?

Are we eating to please so and so? Are we afraid if we don't take Mr Whomever's burger WITH the bun and all the fixings he will be offended? Are we afraid of what others may think if they see us with a "nekkid chicken breast" and nothing else on our plates at the BBQ?

I'll tell you this, if I saw a class III obese person (which I was when I began this journey) at a BBQ with a plate of food that consisted of 2 small chicken breasts and a spoonful of salad with no dressing, I would have a heck of a better opinion of them than if I saw a class III obese person at a BBQ with a plate loaded with BBQ ribs, corn on the cob, and potato salad.

First scenario's first impression says to me "Hey, that person is health-conscious!" Second scenario says "Wow. Stuffin' their face."

So if you ARE worried about what people may be thinking of you (not what they SAY, but what they THINK) at a BBQ, keep that in mind. I always do.

Secondly, who are we putting first here?

I maintain we MUST put ourselves and our health FIRST when it comes to our intake, ie food we put in our mouth.

If we don't we are allowing others to decide for us that we will remain, that we DESERVE to remain, fat and unhealthy and die an early death.

"Oh that's a little over dramatic". Is it? Is it really?

Are we doing Medifast or aren't we? I for one am done playing games with my life and my health and my family's ultimate well-being (ie having me around for a long time - or not!)

Happy Medifasting! Rinse and Repeat.
As the weight keeps coming off, one of the things I know I will hear is "You look like a different PERSON!"

And of course I am not, I am still me, myself, and I.

Not only do I LOOK like a different person, it would be easy to say I FEEL like a different person...but it is really more complicated than that because I am still the SAME person.

I am just getting closer to my authentic self.

The self which is not encumbered by 100+ pounds that she didn't need. The self who feels light and free and, well, ME!

I smile more. I laugh more. I PMS more too, which IS unfortunate but hey, it can't ALL be good!

I am becoming the person I "might have" been. I am making that happen. And I believe more and more that anything IS actually possible.

Happy Medifasting! Rinse and Repeat!
Dropped 2 overnight and was rewarded with a "just overweight" BMI this morning.

That is 99 pounds gone forever. FOR-EVER.

My 100 lb lost reward on Friday may actually be a well-timed reward!
Changes in my body are happening much quicker these days. It seem the smaller you get (and we are ALL shrinking daily on Medifast!), the more I notice almost daily changes in my appearance. It's becoming addictive!

I knew this phase would come, I patiently waited for it. Ok, let me rephrase. I NOT SO patiently waited for it. But it did come and now I find yet another benefit from doing this program. Daily confidence boosters.

Happy Medifasting! Rinse and Repeat!

100 lb loss reward....a full body massage.
Oh my ever-lovin' goodness gracious sakes. I did it. I booked a massage for Friday. A full-body in-the-buff-just-a-little-towel-to-cover-you massage.

I'm at 97 lbs lost so I'm calling it good because I'm taking myself to San Francisco for the weekend. And I am a bit freaked about the prospect of getting a massage, but I do remember the first time I lost weight on Medifast when I got that first one I thought "why in the world did I wait so long to do THIS?!?!?"

So I'm doing it, folks. Getting one at 100 lbs lost, and the next one at 125 lbs lost. Doin' it for me.
Resolve is a precious gift. Resolve is that faith in ourselves which took us from watching other people lose weight and be successful, to US losing weight and being successful. Resolve allowed us to place that first Medifast order with the hope and knowledge that we, too, could do this.

Resolve.

If I could bottle resolve and store it on my shelf for the time when I have less and need some, I would not struggle, EVER.

But resolve is sometimes taken for granted. We slip into the dangerous ground of being so confident this program works, and works WELL, that we think we can take vacations from it and of course we will "get right back on"....double-pinkie-swear.

The problem is it does not always work like that.

SOME can take time off, a meal off, a weekend off, a Saturday night off, etc and return to finish it.

MANY more than I can count take time off and return with less resolve, and eventually don't return at all. Problem is, you never know which you will be until much much later. So it's kinda like playing Russian Roulette.

How are we safeguarding, how are we valuing and protecting our resolve? Because I'd hate to wake up one morning and see that mine decided to pack it's bags and head for the door because I was taking it for granted....

Happy Medifasting! Rinse and Repeat!

I look back on my journey, and one of the things I notice is that I have had the most consistent success when I have been taking care of myself first.

If I don't have my oxygen mask on how can I assist those around me? If I am not fully whole, I am not able to offer my best to my family. And I am shortchanging myself AND my family.

I read a verse this morning in Acts, it speaks of a lame man who was sitting at the temple gates begging for alms. Peter comes up to him and the man is expecting Peter to give him some money, but instead Peter lifts him up by his hands, and tells him to walk. The man goes with Peter in to the temple, leaping and rejoicing because he has been made well.

I was that lame man last year. I was just barely getting by. I was poor in spirit and NOT taking care of myself physically. I had nothing but scraps of emotional energy to share with my family.

But then something happened. I began to believe that I could in fact become the best version of myself possible. Not only could I do that, but that it was the best way I could minister to my family.

I put my oxygen mask on. I have been putting my oxygen mask on for almost 11 months now and am down just about 100 pounds. And in that time, almost from the beginning of my decision a year ago to put on my oxygen mask, by emotional availability to my family has been through the roof.

I am leaping and rejoicing when I head out for my 25 minute run at 5:59 am 3 days a week. I am leaping and rejoicing when I attend Yoga classes 3 times a week.

It is not wrong or selfish to want to be the best person we can possibly be. In fact, it reaps blessings on others because my family will tell you last year I was a grump. My scowl-lines on my face had scowl-lines of their own because I was angry at the world, angry at myself, yes, even perhaps angry at God for "letting" me gain all of my weight back.

I realized I was in denial about who was to "blame" and instead of beating myself up over it and hating myself, I did just the opposite. I turned my hope into a strategy and have been doing Medifast ever since.

I guess if there is one thing I want to leave the readers with in this blog it would be that "Hope is not a strategy", and to help others you must first help yourself. That kind of "selfishness" is not the bad kind.

So put on your oxygen masks! One white packet at a time!

Happy Medifasting! Rinse and Repeat!
With a lady in Barnes and Noble who is in desperate need of Medifast. I am praying that she will consider doing the program, she just started thinking about Bariatric Surgery last month, as she needs a double-knee replacement after multiple knee surgeries but the Doctors don't want to do the replacements until she loses some weight first.

Does your heart ever just break for everyone around you at the same time who is morbidly obese? Mine did today. I almost cried in my double-espresso looking around at the "average American" coming in and out of the coffee shop. Maybe I'm just PMS but I was super-emotional today about getting America healthy one person at a time.

If you are the praying kind, please pray for her.
I've been at this (my second time around) for almost a year now. Last year when I committed to myself to do this one last time, I saw many inspiring Medifasters posting regularly. They still do. And it is inspiring.

Now I've been here for almost 11 months, and have done well, and I would encourage all who are just starting out and feel like you have a long road ahead of you...we all do.

I have by no means had an earth-shattering average weight loss my second time around. It just goes slower the second time, because I had less Lean Body Mass to start with (having lost the appropriate amount of LBM along with my fat the first time around....). My average has been about 7-8 lbs/month.

But I've stuck to it. I've stuck with it.

And you can too! And at some point, the newbies will be signing on and reading YOUR blog and saying "Wow, I just don't know if I can be as successful as that...."

Yes, they can. And yes, you can. It takes time and patience. The time I've got, the patience I like to think I have learned. Yeah right. =)

So keep it up. Take it one day, one hour, one SECOND at a time if you have to. One Medifast packet at a time. Even if they are all brownies LOL.

Happy Medifasting! Rinse and Repeat!
It almost seems like a given that those of us on Medifast want to lose weight and be healthy.

Of course we do. We've been dreaming about it, feeling deprived if it, for years and years. The LACK of being fit and healthy has been an excuse for us for as long as we can remember, sort of like wanting to climb that mountain, but we can't because instead of hiking boots we have these old comfy worn shoes which are falling apart but we can't bear to give up.

So do we really WANT this? Do we really WANT to finally, for once in our lives, become the best version of ourselves?

Do we? Because when it all boils down to it, we usually find a way to get what we want.

But do we want it?

For some, the insulation of fat is the crutch we are actually afraid to get rid of. So we sabotage ourselves. We focus on the food we can't have, until the tension is so great we "cave" and binge on it. Is it really about the deprivation? Or are we secretly telling ourselves that what we really WANT is to STAY fat?

Losing this safety net of insulation (ie fat) takes courage. It is courage that I KNOW WE ALL POSSESS.....

We do. We all have it within ourselves to be the BEST version of ourselves we possibly can be. We have been entrusted with this body, I believe by the Lord, in order that we would be good stewards of it. Are we using it for His glory? Or are we using it for OUR shame?

I see the tendency in my own life, when I am doing very well and adhering to the program as written, a bit of fear creeps in. That fear could mask itself as desire for a glass of wine. That fear could mask itself as desire for anything off plan. Or a desire to NOT go for my run when my alarm clock goes off. Either way, at it's core, it is a fear of living up to my God-given potential.

I mean, what if I become the best version of myself that I can possibly be, and am STILL a disappointment? Then what? At least if I am overweight I have an excuse to be disappointed in myself. When that is gone? What then?

These are some things I have been pondering lately. What is at the core of my belief system about myself? About what I am capable of? Of what drives me? How do I consistently keep on track not only in the food part, which is pretty self-explanatory, but also consistently keep focused on what I want? And how to I make sure I am wanting fitness and optimal health all the time? How do I not be afraid of success?

Until next time......

Happy Medifasting! Rinse and Repeat!
How many times throughout my life have I thought of dieting in terms of eating the "right" or the "wrong" foods, being "good" on my diet or being "bad" on my diet?

I believe that it is quite possible that we set ourselves up for failure and defeat just by using this terminology.

Eating off-plan foods is not a question of morality. It is not being "good" or being "bad" as defined by what I choose to put into my mouth.

Sometimes I wonder if it is part of the problem? I look at it this way. Part of me, a very small part I will call my inner-brat, just wants to be BAD sometimes. Call it a rebel gene. Call it the perpetual teen-ager syndrome. Call it human nature, or just being "human".

So part of me is prone to wanting to "act out" or to engage in "negative behavior" much like a rebellious teen. Perhaps it is because so much of my life is already structured and I feel a great amount of responsibility for myself and my family. I'm not a psychoanalyst and I don't play one on TV so really I don't know what is behind it.

But I have found something very interesting in terms of my internal classification of food....when I strip food of it's labels of "good" or "bad", the food that I considered "bad" loses it's appeal.

Let me explain it a different way.

I have two fundamental choices to make when confronted with an opportunity for off-plan eating. Whether I was blindsided and the opportunity popped up unannounced or I, by way of social obligations etc, had to attend a function where off-plan foods were in abundance. My two choices are:

1) Eat food that will take me closer to my goal of optimal health
2) Eat food that will take me farther from my goal of optimal health.

That is it. Choices. Instead of being "good" or "bad" I have redefined it in terms of a chart with a timeline.

My goal of optimal health is at one end, and a shortened lifespan with potential obesity-related illnesses is at the other.

Which choice do I make? Well, I can make the choice that will take me closer to my goal of optimal health, or I can make the one that will take me farther from that goal.

Again, for me it is no longer a question of "good" or "bad" behavior. It is a choice of where I am headed, and do I want to keep that momentum in the direction I have chosen?

These are some of the things that I have been pondering lately.

Happy Medifasting! Rinse and Repeat!
I have this vision of myself in my mind's eye, which is SO very different from the image portrayed in my "before" pictures.

First impressions mean a lot. And our OWN impressions of ourselves mean a lot also. In our deepest desires, who do we want to become?

I have always had a innermost deep desire to be a picture of health. All of it. The whole package. Age doesn't matter to me, but health DOES. I am picturing in my mind's eye a very fit, slim and trim toned blonde lady running the Paris Marathon. Whether that happens in 2012 or 2013, it WILL happen. Lord willing!

I am becoming that picture of health.

It started with the weight loss. I lost about 80 pounds on Medifast before I began my exercise program. Had I begun any earlier, I am convinced personally that I would have drastically reduced the life of my knees! =)

But all of a sudden it seems like I have woken up to a new me who resembles more the person I WANT to be than the person I STARTED out as.

This new me has a gentle Yoga class on Mondays Wednesdays and Saturdays. This new me is doing the C25K running program on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sundays. This new me is working on strengthening her core. This new me bicycles to Sprouts Grocery Store to buy her veggies a few times a week.

This new me is wearing size 10 jeans, down from size 26 less than a year ago.

I am reminded of Epictetus. He said "Say who it is you would be, then do what you need to do."

I have said it. I will do it.

Happy Medifasting! Rinse and Repeat!
The moment of decision....we've been there...that spontaneous pull that seemed to come out of nowhere and blindside us. Before we knew it we were reaching for (insert forbidden food here) and had it headed for our mouth.

STOP. Just stop.

CHALLENGE. Challenge yourself, will this take you further from your goal or closer to your goal of optimal health?

CHOOSE. Choose. Just choose.

Because everything we put into our mouth is a choice. There is no such thing as mindless eating. There are conditioned responses, but even those responses are a result of a series of choices, the pathway is just so familiar in our brains that it seems routine. Changing that familiar pathway also seems painful at times. Downright painful. As if real physical pain were involved.

It takes 21 days to establish a habit, whether bad or good. Lets begin today establishing the GOOD habits, because honestly those are as hard to break once established as bad ones are.

Happy Medifasting! Rinse and Repeat!
Many of us here are here because we have spent the last 5, 10, 20 or more years getting busy dying.

We have been preoccupied with feeding ourselves into obesity. We have been slowly poisoning our bodies and our souls.

Let's face it, anyone who IS Obese is setting themselves up for an early death. So MY perspective is that Medifast is a tool, and my doing the program day in and day out IS my lifeline.

I am getting busy living, because there is SO much living I plan on doing on this earth, Lord willing!

So, my inner-brat is staying in the closet today, in the straitjacket I place her in every morning. I've actually ordered a POD for her, it will be delivered tomorrow. I'll throw her in there and they can store her in some warehouse in an undisclosed location. Pretend she's in the witness protection program or something. Either way, she is hitting the road and I'm not giving her a key to the house so she can sneak back in the side door someday.

What is your inner-brat telling YOU to do today which would result in you making the decision to "get busy dying"? Wouldn't you rather make that choice to "get busy living"? I would! I am.

Happy Medifasting! Rinse and Repeat.
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