Can I come to the conclusion yet that I might have an EDNOS? It is quite possible. I have gained 90 lbs in 12 months. Who does that? I lost 136 lbs in 14 months, and gained 90 of it back.
I feel so large. My back is starting to hurt. My knees hurt. I am less emotionally available for any of my family because I'm feeling sorry for myself.
We are still at the Ronald McDonald House, and the stress over the last 12 months has gotten me looking like a blow-up doll. I was at my goal of 129 on September 27th, 2007. I ran a 1/2 Marathon, the Boulder Backroads. I then found out I was pregnant in October, we were told Julian needed peritoneal dialysis in November, they did the surgery to place the catheter on the 29th, it stopped working after 10 days of training beginning on December 12th, I had my miscarriage at 12 weeks, we went to Phoenix to visit my dying Mom, we returned to Colorado and the PD catheter still didn't work, I we had the catheter taken out at the end of January, decided we were going to go to Stanford's Lucile Packard Children's Hospital for Julian's kidney transplant, we sold our house in March, my Mom died in March, Julian and I went to Lucile Packard Children's Hospital and began living at the Ronald McDonald House, in April, my Dad met a new woman in April, Julian started hemodialysis in April, Julian got a kidney transplant in May, we've been at the RMH since then, my Dad got married in July. It is now the end of September 2008 and I just returned from my Dad's wedding reception in Payson. We are leaving the RMH next Friday to go back to Colorado.
I'm getting bloodwork done next week, and starting the MF program again, full force. I will take a picture every day of my shrinking bod. I will run a marathon in Seattle next summer. I will keep a daily journal of my thoughts/feelings/intake/exercise/weight.
I begin on October 6th.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Friday, August 8, 2008
Woah! 201!
Well, I finally did it, unfortunately. I'm back up over 200 lbs. Now I've got 75 lbs to lose. My knees and feet and back are starting to bother me again. I am starting today. Even if it's just the 5 MF meals, I've got to start today.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
This morning I fired up my oatmeal, had my cup of coffee, drank my water, and thought "Now THIS feels right." It feels right to be back OP and going the right direction. It feels like a relief. Like I've veered off the dangerous path that was heading for the precipice, and am headed in a healthy direction.
The same life that felt so scary and anxious a few days ago, mainly mine, has a little bit of a glow to it now. Even as I walk by the stores at the Stanford Mall and see my frumpy sweat-pants and sweat-shirt clad reflection peering back at me, I am at the same time saddened and, strangely, hopeful.
It wasn't too long ago that I peered INTO shops like that, wondering if I would ever be able to buy "normal" clothes again. I watched my transformation with awe and wonder, as I bought smaller jean size after smaller jean size...and wore them! My shining moment was buying the size 2's from the Levi's store...and wearing them in public! I still remember walking in that store and being thrilled I could purchase a size 16!
I remember buying a size 8P dress from Ann Taylor and the cashier asking if I wanted a gift receipt with that? I said "no, it's for my goal closet". Then I remember that same outfit becoming too big for me and having to give it to my sister. Boy did that feel good.
So I'm back to size 12's being super-tight. So what? It's only a matter of time before I'm back in my beautiful wardrobe. The wardrobe that I only got to wear for a few short months. I will be back in them and wearing them around town, with my little man Julian by my side. A picture of healthiness and happiness. A picture of nutritional balance and spiritual refreshment.
Instead of being angry all the time, which I'm convinced is a direct result of my disgust with myself for letting half my weight creep back on, I will be happy and smiling. I was before. I can do it again.
So, day 3, here we go. Last day of hunger. Last day of irritibility. Tomorrow is a brand new "ketosis" day. Bring it on.
The same life that felt so scary and anxious a few days ago, mainly mine, has a little bit of a glow to it now. Even as I walk by the stores at the Stanford Mall and see my frumpy sweat-pants and sweat-shirt clad reflection peering back at me, I am at the same time saddened and, strangely, hopeful.
It wasn't too long ago that I peered INTO shops like that, wondering if I would ever be able to buy "normal" clothes again. I watched my transformation with awe and wonder, as I bought smaller jean size after smaller jean size...and wore them! My shining moment was buying the size 2's from the Levi's store...and wearing them in public! I still remember walking in that store and being thrilled I could purchase a size 16!
I remember buying a size 8P dress from Ann Taylor and the cashier asking if I wanted a gift receipt with that? I said "no, it's for my goal closet". Then I remember that same outfit becoming too big for me and having to give it to my sister. Boy did that feel good.
So I'm back to size 12's being super-tight. So what? It's only a matter of time before I'm back in my beautiful wardrobe. The wardrobe that I only got to wear for a few short months. I will be back in them and wearing them around town, with my little man Julian by my side. A picture of healthiness and happiness. A picture of nutritional balance and spiritual refreshment.
Instead of being angry all the time, which I'm convinced is a direct result of my disgust with myself for letting half my weight creep back on, I will be happy and smiling. I was before. I can do it again.
So, day 3, here we go. Last day of hunger. Last day of irritibility. Tomorrow is a brand new "ketosis" day. Bring it on.
Day 2 Done
I have just completed what I have determined will be my last "day 2" EVER. My committment is to lose the 70 lbs I recently gained and be done with this compulsion. I will do what it takes to shed the weight and work through my issues with food.
My story seems old hat to me, but I'll share briefly. Started MF July of 06 after a super-scary incident, was determined to shed the weight. I started at 266, and 14 months later clocked in at a lean and trim 130. Went from a size 26 to a size 2-4P. Check out my pictures, they are awesome if I do say so myself.
Then all chaos broke loose. I got pregnant so i couldn't transition properly, had a miscarriage at 12 weeks, postpartum depression and then my Mom died. One month after my Mom died we came out to the Ronald McDonald House here in Palo Alto for my son's Kidney transplant which happened on May 20th. We have to stay here through August, and then I'll be back to my own house where I can control what is in my kitchen.
During all the emotion/stress/uncertainty of this last year, I have put on 70 lbs again. Originally I thought I might wait until the end of August to re-start, but as I see the scale getting closer and closer to 200 I realize I can't afford to do that. After many re-starts and "I'm going to do better tomorrows" I decided yesterday enough was enough. I saw 199.6 on the scale and decided I'd flirted enough with disaster. Time to just do it, no matter how I feel.
I have a beautiful wardrobe ranging from size 2-6 at home now, and by golly I will be fitting into those again by Christmas. it's my Christmas present to myself this year. I refuse to put up with any more of my shenanigans. So here I go.
We're all in this together, but it is ultimately our personal decision whether to stay on the program or not to. When I do stay on, it works. Here's to staying on. No matter what.
My story seems old hat to me, but I'll share briefly. Started MF July of 06 after a super-scary incident, was determined to shed the weight. I started at 266, and 14 months later clocked in at a lean and trim 130. Went from a size 26 to a size 2-4P. Check out my pictures, they are awesome if I do say so myself.
Then all chaos broke loose. I got pregnant so i couldn't transition properly, had a miscarriage at 12 weeks, postpartum depression and then my Mom died. One month after my Mom died we came out to the Ronald McDonald House here in Palo Alto for my son's Kidney transplant which happened on May 20th. We have to stay here through August, and then I'll be back to my own house where I can control what is in my kitchen.
During all the emotion/stress/uncertainty of this last year, I have put on 70 lbs again. Originally I thought I might wait until the end of August to re-start, but as I see the scale getting closer and closer to 200 I realize I can't afford to do that. After many re-starts and "I'm going to do better tomorrows" I decided yesterday enough was enough. I saw 199.6 on the scale and decided I'd flirted enough with disaster. Time to just do it, no matter how I feel.
I have a beautiful wardrobe ranging from size 2-6 at home now, and by golly I will be fitting into those again by Christmas. it's my Christmas present to myself this year. I refuse to put up with any more of my shenanigans. So here I go.
We're all in this together, but it is ultimately our personal decision whether to stay on the program or not to. When I do stay on, it works. Here's to staying on. No matter what.
Monday, July 21, 2008
Sunday, July 13, 2008
YIKES
Yikes. Time to read all my old blogs. Time to get serious. Time to take care of me. Again.
This morning I grudgingly climbed on the scale, thinking I'd see 190, because I was 188 a few days ago and I've been extremely bent on self-destruction the last few days. I blinked. 197 "and some change". 197. That's exactly 70 lbs up from my low low of 127 on September 27th, 2007, the morning I got weighed for my life insurance interview. Wow. That's over half the weight I originally lost, regained. It's a crying shame.
I am so distraught but have nothing left to do but blame myself. And my EDNOS, which I have not quite wrapped my head around yet, but I'm sure exists in some form. Some combination of ED's and some other psychological stuff thrown in there for good measure. But I've done it time and time again, I can muster up one final weight loss and then quite possibly may need therapy to keep it off. Because I'm no good at that, the keeping it off business. I've noticed it is the worst when I'm super happy or relieved at something, I eat to celebrate. I have no self control. When I got married I gained a bunch. I was happy and content. And had fun eating myself up to my high weight. Now that Julian's kidney transplant is complete and a success, I have thrown caution to the wind and am eating out of "relief". I've got to express my relief in some other way than eating.
So, today I began Medifast, yet again. This time, though, I'm going to try to do the Complete Medifast which is the "5-6 Mf meals" only. Because I don't trust myself to be around "adult food". I don't trust myself to buy for me.
Because last night I found myself eating Sushi, drinking Beer, and Saki, buying Twinkies, and candy, and eating them. That is how I could balloon up to 197 when I was just 188 a few days ago. Disgusting. Out of control. No more.
So, here is my first Blog on my first day. I am not worthless. I can do this, I am worth it, and my son deserves better. So does my husband.
This morning I grudgingly climbed on the scale, thinking I'd see 190, because I was 188 a few days ago and I've been extremely bent on self-destruction the last few days. I blinked. 197 "and some change". 197. That's exactly 70 lbs up from my low low of 127 on September 27th, 2007, the morning I got weighed for my life insurance interview. Wow. That's over half the weight I originally lost, regained. It's a crying shame.
I am so distraught but have nothing left to do but blame myself. And my EDNOS, which I have not quite wrapped my head around yet, but I'm sure exists in some form. Some combination of ED's and some other psychological stuff thrown in there for good measure. But I've done it time and time again, I can muster up one final weight loss and then quite possibly may need therapy to keep it off. Because I'm no good at that, the keeping it off business. I've noticed it is the worst when I'm super happy or relieved at something, I eat to celebrate. I have no self control. When I got married I gained a bunch. I was happy and content. And had fun eating myself up to my high weight. Now that Julian's kidney transplant is complete and a success, I have thrown caution to the wind and am eating out of "relief". I've got to express my relief in some other way than eating.
So, today I began Medifast, yet again. This time, though, I'm going to try to do the Complete Medifast which is the "5-6 Mf meals" only. Because I don't trust myself to be around "adult food". I don't trust myself to buy for me.
Because last night I found myself eating Sushi, drinking Beer, and Saki, buying Twinkies, and candy, and eating them. That is how I could balloon up to 197 when I was just 188 a few days ago. Disgusting. Out of control. No more.
So, here is my first Blog on my first day. I am not worthless. I can do this, I am worth it, and my son deserves better. So does my husband.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
The Chit-Chat Cafe
The Chit-Chat Cafe. Quite a spunky little name for a spunky little coffee joint. It is located quite literally in a small "corner" of the world.
Imagine driving through busy, thriving San Francisco. Imagine finding a small stretch of road comprising part of what I think is the most beautiful highway in the world, the California Highway 1, the coastal highway. The city falls away to reveal beautiful rolling hills, then suddenly, the Pacific Ocean.
Today we stumbled once again into Pacifica, California. It is located a few miles south and west of San Francisco, and is on the route of a round-a-bout way to get back to Palo Alto from the City of Bridges.
We stopped in Old Pacifica, with it's crab-fishing pier, City Hall, a foggy windy boardwalk, and a little spunky coffee place called the Chit-Chat Cafe.
Now anyone who knows me knows I'm not much for chit-chat. Never have been, never will be. I lack that certain ease with small-talk than most of the population of, say, the WORLD, possesses. Me? No. Give me politics, give me crisis situations, give me philosophy, or faith. Give me a problem to solve, but heavens to Bessie don't make me stand in a room full of strangers for any period of time and expect me to socialize.
The Chit-Chat Cafe. Dave, Julian and I got a bowl of Clam Chowder, "The Best in Pacifica!" a slice of lemon cake, and some lattes, and sat in a small booth for awhile. We had brought along Julian's loaf of Boudin Bread (he LOVES San Francisco Sourdough!) and butter, and a small jar of blueberry granola for him. We sat happily munching our food, and looking out at the "MAX TWO LINES PER PERSON" signs emblazoned on the pier in various spots. There were about 20 people on the pier, catching their dinner. Mostly crabs. I guess there is a "Five-Inch" rule, and we watched one happy crab who was tossed back in scamper into the depths at lightening speed...all for being "four and a half" inches long. It was his lucky day.
Julian's favorite thing to do today was watch the waves come in and out, and dash on the beach and rocks. We have about 3 minutes of video of him laughing and smiling with glee, singing the whole time, watching the waves come in and out there on that little pier in Pacifica. Good times. It seems we all love the ocean.
The Chit-Chat Cafe. If someone were to come chit-chat with me, this is what they would hear....
"Why yes, I'm doing fine thank you...my son is having a kidney transplant in approximately 10 days.....What?....Oh, yes, I'm rather petrified actually.....Oh, certainly I have faith....I have faith that God's will will be done.....Yes, I know he loves us....I just don't know exactly how He will express that love in our lives and Julian's life exactly....yes, the not knowing is hard....yes, yes, I know He loves us and works all things for the good of those who are in Christ Jesus, thank you....but would you mind spelling that out in advance?....I mean, what that exactly will look like in the next few weeks?....Oh, you can't?....Yes, yes I trust Him....but I don't want Him to decide that taking my precious son to be with Him will be what His will is....not now...I want more time....Julian is my most precious little angel....I want him here with me....I'm his mother...surely God understands that....surely He knows that the desire of my heart is to love and raise Julian in the fear and understanding of the Lord...surely He'll let me do that...."
So you see, there really is no small talk or Chit-Chat with me right now. I'm in it, in the thick of it, the heat of it, and it is rather ironic that our little corner of the world, our most favorite place today, was the Chit-Chat Cafe.
Imagine driving through busy, thriving San Francisco. Imagine finding a small stretch of road comprising part of what I think is the most beautiful highway in the world, the California Highway 1, the coastal highway. The city falls away to reveal beautiful rolling hills, then suddenly, the Pacific Ocean.
Today we stumbled once again into Pacifica, California. It is located a few miles south and west of San Francisco, and is on the route of a round-a-bout way to get back to Palo Alto from the City of Bridges.
We stopped in Old Pacifica, with it's crab-fishing pier, City Hall, a foggy windy boardwalk, and a little spunky coffee place called the Chit-Chat Cafe.
Now anyone who knows me knows I'm not much for chit-chat. Never have been, never will be. I lack that certain ease with small-talk than most of the population of, say, the WORLD, possesses. Me? No. Give me politics, give me crisis situations, give me philosophy, or faith. Give me a problem to solve, but heavens to Bessie don't make me stand in a room full of strangers for any period of time and expect me to socialize.
The Chit-Chat Cafe. Dave, Julian and I got a bowl of Clam Chowder, "The Best in Pacifica!" a slice of lemon cake, and some lattes, and sat in a small booth for awhile. We had brought along Julian's loaf of Boudin Bread (he LOVES San Francisco Sourdough!) and butter, and a small jar of blueberry granola for him. We sat happily munching our food, and looking out at the "MAX TWO LINES PER PERSON" signs emblazoned on the pier in various spots. There were about 20 people on the pier, catching their dinner. Mostly crabs. I guess there is a "Five-Inch" rule, and we watched one happy crab who was tossed back in scamper into the depths at lightening speed...all for being "four and a half" inches long. It was his lucky day.
Julian's favorite thing to do today was watch the waves come in and out, and dash on the beach and rocks. We have about 3 minutes of video of him laughing and smiling with glee, singing the whole time, watching the waves come in and out there on that little pier in Pacifica. Good times. It seems we all love the ocean.
The Chit-Chat Cafe. If someone were to come chit-chat with me, this is what they would hear....
"Why yes, I'm doing fine thank you...my son is having a kidney transplant in approximately 10 days.....What?....Oh, yes, I'm rather petrified actually.....Oh, certainly I have faith....I have faith that God's will will be done.....Yes, I know he loves us....I just don't know exactly how He will express that love in our lives and Julian's life exactly....yes, the not knowing is hard....yes, yes, I know He loves us and works all things for the good of those who are in Christ Jesus, thank you....but would you mind spelling that out in advance?....I mean, what that exactly will look like in the next few weeks?....Oh, you can't?....Yes, yes I trust Him....but I don't want Him to decide that taking my precious son to be with Him will be what His will is....not now...I want more time....Julian is my most precious little angel....I want him here with me....I'm his mother...surely God understands that....surely He knows that the desire of my heart is to love and raise Julian in the fear and understanding of the Lord...surely He'll let me do that...."
So you see, there really is no small talk or Chit-Chat with me right now. I'm in it, in the thick of it, the heat of it, and it is rather ironic that our little corner of the world, our most favorite place today, was the Chit-Chat Cafe.
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