Tuesday, October 9, 2007

The Beast Within and What I Fear Most!

I have come to the conclusion (yet again) that my old self, the fat self, is lurking quietly and sometimes not so quietly in some mental closet of mine, and waits for those times when I'm alone and scared and the lights are off. When that happens, it jumps out, unwelcome resident that it is, and temporarily comandeers control of my person. Multiple personality? No, but sometimes I feel like it! This beastie mentality feeds of the feeling of chaos. It feeds off the smallest slip-up and is very opportunistic in when it strikes.

This beastie mentality waits until I'm at my parents house, dealing with the stress of that, on top of the stress of going to Boston this next weekend with our little guy. It feeds on the stresses of our finances, the stresses of my housekeeping skills (or lack of them) and it just collects all of these stresses in it's little closet. (Perhaps that is why I feel so calm most of the time, calm and in control...and then.....BAM!) Yes, and then BAM!!! IT strikes. IT derails me. This little "other" part of myself which I thought I had beat. It is alive and well, and seeking to destroy me.

I won't let it. I've worked too hard. I've come too far. It's back on 100% for me, goal or bust.

I'll spare the gory details, but suffice it to say I was a bad little Medifaster over the weekend. Not the entire weekend, but about 24 hours of the weekend. Enough to backtrack myself a week. Again.

My husband tells me not to be so hard on myself, that I am just about at the point of maintaining, and in effect, if that is being accomplished why worry? Well, I do worry because this is not the method it is supposed to be accomplished by. We aren't supposed to maintain by eating off for the weekend, and crawling back to MF on Monday to re-lose the weight we just re-gained.

And I won't work the program that way. Anymore, I mean.

I have not been consistently acting in this manner, but I enjoyed "preparing" for the Marathon and "celebrating" after the Marathon last weekend a bit too much, and then this Phoenix weekend well nigh took me by suprise.

Ok, beastie, this means war. You realize that, don't you? No more setting myself up for failure by NOT GETTING ALL MY WATER IN. Yes, that is what started it for me. Not enough water on Saturday, which led to me being thirsty and mistaking it for cravings and hunger, which I satisfied in a non-MF approved way, which caused more cravings and mental hunger. It was absolutely crazy. And I needed to blog about it, because I abhor pretense and I am who I am. I'd rather be honest about a mistake and getting back on that trying to hide it and let you all think the GBS doesn't ever struggle. Poppycock.

So. Have I lost alot of weight? Yes. Could I regain it if I began acting like this on a regular basis? Yes. Will I? NO.

Part of the stress was that People Magazine called on Friday and wanted one more picture in order to choose the people they are going to feature in the "People Who Lost Half Their Size" January issue. This was 1 hour before I had to leave for the aiport on Friday. So, I took the picture, sent it to them, and am waiting to hear back.

So there's an update on that.

Oh, right, what I am fearing the most. What I am fearing the most is gaining all my weight back, plus more. In fact, in talking to a friend I hadn't seen for about a year in Phoenix on Friday night, she said "you are tiny!" and I said "yeah, I'm where I want to be, and will probably stay here for, like, 5 seconds, and then start gaining again....it seems to just be what I'm good at...losing or gaining. But I suck at maintaining."

There, I had said it. It was out there, verbalized. Now, did I just reinforce that mentality by verbalizing it, or did I aknowledge that it exists and can combat it? Was the ensuing weekend shenanigans proof that I CAN'T maintain my weight, and that I WILL gain it all back again? Or was it a wake up call? Need some answers, and I think only I can find them.

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